Surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship: 2008

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New Year = new beginning without narcissist?

Monday, December 29, 2008

Horrible argument again with narcissist spouse..

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Leaving narcissist is for the best...

Thursday, December 25, 2008

New strategy to deal with narcissist spouse

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Narcissistic spouse and cheating

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Many, may things have happened again... perhaps the saddest is the realization that my narcissistic spouse truly is the kind of person, who is "throwing his nets" to many directions in the same time, even tho he is in serious relationship with me (or so he claims). It feels so horribly bad to realize that the person who you love is saying sweet, loving things to another women. My narcissistic spouse is such a person, that he is bending the rules in relationship the way it best fits him. Narcissist has said he thinks its ok for him to get emotional with another women, as long as there is no sex. I dont know if the problem is in communication between us, that narcissist speaks about certain things using different words that me. I dont know if narcissist really means that its ok to have emotional relationship with someone else... but he certainly says things in such a way that it sounds like that :(

I feel so sad at this moment. I feel that only thing I wanted was to be happy with this man, because I really, truly, loved him so very much... but I have been fooling myself, brainwashing myself to believe that he loves me. His behavior towards me is not loving and caring. Why, then, am I still with him? Why have I not left? I have been trapped by my strong feelings towards my narcissistic spouse. I have not been able to think clearly. There are moments when I feel that "I stop worrying about him possibly being unfaithful, I give him the benefit of doubt, I worry about it if it happens..." etc you know those mental exercises, that people do, when they try to deal with difficult situation, to survive it without becoming a mental wreck... but that is not true happiness. I have not felt truly happy with him for a long, long time. There are always shadows in the sky of this relationship, memories of his misbehaving towards me, which I just cannot forget. But I dont seem to be able to let go... why?!

Now narcissist is getting very emotional with a woman from his past, who he used to love very much, long time ago. I feel hopeless. I feel there is nothing I can do to change that man, so of course I should leave... of course narcissist is saying that he will not do anything with her, not try to pursue relationship or anything, as long as he is with me... yeah, right, really sensitive talk, "as long as he is with me". I know my narcissistic spouse pretty well by now, I think I now how his mind works. Narcissist is not saying anything definite like "I will not get involved with this woman", so that if something happens, narcissist might then simply break up with me and he can then say "this is how things sometimes go in life, even if people dont mean for it to happen, I never promised you not to get involved with this woman, I only said I will not get romantically involved and have sex with another woman when I am with you". And narcissist walks away feeling good about himself, feeling he did the right thing, feeling honorable and respectful person, because narcissist was not lying to anybody.

I have read much about narcissism during last months, also experiences of people who have been living with one from various forums... and I feel so horrible to realize that this man truly seems to be one. Of course I have had that thought before, but whenever I think about it, it feels so crushing. But everything fits. He is constantly looking for emotional excitement, thats why he gets so emotionally involved, if a new female friend enters his life. Its like a fuel for him, fuel thrown on fire. To his partner, this is causing endless suffering... so why, why have I not left? I feel that no matter which way I choose, to stay or to go, there will be misery waiting for me. I guess thats why I have stayed... hoping for a miracle. But now I must face the facts. If narcissist will get emotionally involved to this woman, starts to talk romantic things to her etc, I must leave. If I stay, I will lose even the last traces of my self-respect. If that happens, I will just do it without thinking, just break free, face all the suffering, all the loneliness, and just wait for it to past... I dont know how long it takes, but I wish sun will shine on me one day. But for now, I am still waiting... to see what will happen between them. To see how long narcissist can go. If I see that he truly is that kind of double-faced cheater and goes all the way with her, then perhaps its easier for me to leave, without so much pain, knowing that there was never any realistic change for this relationship...

As I said, narcissist has already spoken to this woman about his past feelings of love towards her in a very romantic way. The way narcissist has talked, he has in my opinion thrown the ball to her. Now narcissist is waiting how she will respond. Narcissist has told me about this interaction, he has been very open, saying he simply wanted to clarify some misunderstandings from their past, which may have led to them not being together back then.

Narcissist never even had a real relationship to this woman, but he claims he was madly in love with her and for a long time he has been wondering about certain things, which were left unsolved back then. Narcissist says this is the reason why he wanted to get in contact with her, to get answers to those questions. I find this all very sad, and not very "nice" behavior towards me. I would not handle thins kind of thing the way narcissist is handling it. And as I said, his communication with her is of that kind that leaves room for more things, if she only goes along with it...

Narcissist has said to me himself that there is a possibility that they might feel again for each other, as there is a possibility that asteroid hits earth... this is the way narcissist talks, he is giving possibilities to things, saying that they are so very unlikely, but if it then happens, narcissist cannot be blamed... I feel its horrible that he is talking about her like that to me, when he knows very well how much I care for him and how much it must hurt me to hear this sort of things...I feel so bad about all these things... But there is nothing I can do... I feel trapped, and very depressed right now... I dont really know what to do... :( :(

Thank you so much for your supportive comments, Almost there!!!!! It feels good to know you are out there :)

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Great article of inner child in all of us...

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Another bad day with a narcissist...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Ex girlfriend of a narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Well, many things have happened again... some are positive, some negative. I guess thats how things go in life.

We spend very nice weekend together, narcissist was very pleasant and caring. As I have said, of course its not "all hell" with this man all the time, otherwise why would I have stayed with him this long... I am mainly writing to this blog about things which are bothering me in this person, and not so much about those things which I like about him, so it may give a bit "one-sided" image of him and of our relationship... but I guess all those who read this blog and who have been in a relationship themselves understand that there are always positive and negative things in a relationship, its never black and white. I guess we tend to complain to our friends about things which are bothering us, but when things are going well we dont so much mention about it... I just wanted to say this so that it would be clear that this man is not "thoroughly bad" person, that is not the image I want to give of him. This blog has been my "channel" to process all my doubts and negative feelings related to this relationship, and I understand that it may sound as if there is nothing positive there... but f course there is. Unfortunately, in this relationship there seem to be also those negative things more than in my previous relationships. I try sometimes to remember to write here also about those positive things, since this blog is meant to give a realistic view of one kind of human relationship, my relationship.

But today I have something else in my mind. Its something that has been bothering me and I dont quite know what I should think about it. Its the relationship of my narcissistic spouse to his ex. Narcissist has wanted to maintain a friend relationship with her, which means meeting her over drink and dinner etc. I am feeling bad about this, but I try not to say it so much, and I have never tried to stop narcissist from seeing his ex. I feel thats the decision he has to make himself. I have told narcissist that I feel sad about it if he sees her, and I feel that if he truly loves me, the fact that I feel sad about something and say it to him should mean something to him, and perhaps he would then avoid doing those things which make me feel sad, as I am avoiding doing things which I know would make him feel sad. I think thats what people do when they are in love.

But on the other hand, I have started to think that am I "over-reacting" to this, should I just accept that he is seeing his ex time to time for drink or dinner... as I said I have never tried to stop him but he has seen clearly that I am not happy about it. He says that he thinks he has right to meet whoever he wants, but I feel that in a relationship compromises are sometimes required, and this is (in my opinion) that kind of situation... I would never suggest to go for a dinner with my ex boyfriend, I know he would feel very, very negative about that... thats why its hurting me when he is doing those things even tho he knows it hurts me.

I understand that he feels I should not prevent him from seeing his friends, but I feel that seeing ex is a bit different, I cannot believe that I am only one in this world who feels uncomfortable about it if my man sees his ex. I think its pretty natural feeling. But still I am a bit confused now, not knowing for sure if its ok for me to feel like this, or am i being "unreasonable" when I wish he would not do this sort of things... I dont know. I will get back soon with updates. He is now planning to see her again, and I said I feel sad about the idea. I said to him "you will know how I feel about this, if you put yourself in my position and imagine how you would feel if I was going out with my ex boyfriend". This didnt seem to have any effect, but lets see how things go...

He will probably see her sometime during this week. If he goes out with her on friday or saturday night I think its quite bad, its like a date to me... I wish he would not do this, but I am not going to protest, I feel he makes his decision, and if I get feeling that he cares nothing of my feelings, it will bring my own feelings down, of course... I only wish I didnt feel this sad... well, best thing is to try to concentrate on my work and forget about this for a while. I just wish he would understand my point of view about this matter, and not behave as if I am being unreasonable... if I felt that he is at list trying to make me feel good about the situation and supporting me, then I would feel (I think) ok even if he goes out with her... but if I feel that he just makes those decisions without caring about my feelings, it hurts...

Almost there, thank you so much for your comments!!!!! I will write again to Forum, you are right, its good to get feedback from others in similar situation. I dont know how much time I will eventually got to write there, because it already takes a bit of time to write to this blog, but I will do it at some point. I am very glad you have been reading my thoughts and have been giving your opinions, I really appreciate it a lot!!! Thank you :)

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Analyzing my relationship with a narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Thank you so much for your message, Almost there! It brought a smile to my face :) I am doing ok, even tho many things have happened during last week... If someone had asked me two days ago if I am doing ok, the answer would have been "no". Ok, let me explain why I say that...

So, my narcissistic spouse has now been in town for some time. First things went very well. Narcissist was actually more patient than ever before, if some things irritated him. For example, if narcissist had said something negative to me (this time I mean only "small" everyday accidental comments, which are not meant to hurt), and he could see that I was feeling sad about it, narcissist would actually hug me (!) and act very positive and friendly, trying to make me feel better. As you can imagine, I was amazed, and of course very happy about this change in him...

Well, it turned out to be short-lived. narcissist was like that for one week, and then again he exploded out of something very small. His biggest problem is that if he gets upset, he cannot calm down for several hours/one day. I, on the other hand, almost cannot stand it if things are not solved pretty soon after argument... but narcissist can never do this, he wants to go to sleep in bad mood, sleeps in different room etc.

I know people are different when it comes to dealing with conflicts, I happen to be like this and he is simply different... I cannot say he is being unreasonable only because he is different than me. But I think the way he is dealing with conflicts is unreasonable... The way he talks is so insulting, he calls me crazy, sick etc... I have started to understand those women who say that if they hear that kind of stuff for years, they slowly start to believe it, subconsciously...

I feel my narcissistic spouse has definitely brought my self-esteem down with his criticizing comments, accusations and mocking. The problem is that when he is not being total asshole (sorry to use this kind of language!) I enjoy his company quite a bit and he makes me feel pretty good... I know how crazy it sounds! But I guess those who have been in similar situation than me, can understand this... that in the beginning of a relationship you have fallen in love with the image you have created of another person, and when it turns out the person is not what you thought he was, it takes time to let go of that false image you have created... thats why its so difficult to end relationship and to forget, and to go on with my life. But I feel all these negative things have piled up, to the point that I feel I can no longer genuinely enjoy his company, I remember all the bad moments and it brings my mood down.

Still, I have decided not to make decision of leaving, if I am not 100 % sure I want to do it at given time... now I feel I am 90 % sure I want to leave, but that 10 % is still keeping me in this relationship... because if I think of leaving, I remember all those good moments we have shared, and so I find myself postponing the decision, telling myself "well, I can leave anytime I want, even tomorrow, but I dont feel like leaving today"... it feels good to know that I am not forced to stay in this relationship, but that I have the choice... I am the one who decides what happens. That thought actually gives me strength... :)

I notice that I am not anymore feeling so bad if I think of "losing him"... somehow that thought does not evoke strong emotions anymore. That must mean that my feelings towards my narcissistic spouse are starting to go down... which is exactly what I have wished for! I wish that my feelings towards narcissist will eventually die completely (or at list get reduced considerably), then I am strong enough to leave without feeling very depressed!! Actually my narcissistic spouse is speeding this process with his behavior... Let me tell you shortly what I mean:

As I said, we had that bad argument couple days ago. Narcissist told about our argument to his ex, who lives near here (narcissist said he talked to her after our argument, the same day when it happened). Next day after our argument narcissist was behaving again normally towards me, smiling, hugging etc. So I thought that everything was (relatively) ok between us... I thought that in the end perhaps its not a big deal that he complains about our problems to his friends, because I of course do the same to my friends... I mean if we have an argument and I feel bad about it, of course I talk about it to my friends, I think everyone does that... and he claims that this ex is his friend, so I thought that ok, I dont care about it even tho he talked to her...

But then next day I overheard narcissist talking to this ex on the phone, telling things about me which were very insulting, calling me crazy, sick woman etc (no one I know has ever said anything like that to me except him, so I dont think I am truly being "crazy" or "sick".. thats why its so insulting to hear him talk like that about me to his ex, as I am sure you can understand... ).

Narcissist was saying to her on the phone that he was just pretending that everything was normal between us that day, because he didnt want to "create more conflicts", that he has had enough of this "craziness" in our relationship and he wants me out of his life... When I heard him talk like that, it broke something inside me and I lost forever that last trace of "pure" love I have had towards him. I feel sad, because this is all his own doing, I really, truly loved him with all my heart, I feel I have never loved any man as much as I loved him... but his behavior has slowly killed that love.. I wish things didnt go like this but they did :(

Amazingly, after narcissist talked like that to his ex about me he was very friendly to me whole evening after that, wanted to have sex, and next day (which is today) was very loving, hugging me all the time, kissing, doing housework etc... talking about our future together etc. But I have turned cold, because I heard narcissist say to his ex he was only pretending, and actually feeling very bad being with me... I cannot forget that, I feel I cannot trust anything narcissist says... Even tho I in the same time have a feeling that in some way I can understand him, that if he is very upset and angry to me, he would say things like that to his friends and then he changes his mind after a while.. thats what has happened to me so many times, that I have said to my friends that "this is it, I had enough, I will leave, I cannot live with a person like him", and yet I have stayed... So, I have done the same, but still I feel that the way narcissist talked about me was a bit more insulting than what I have said... and especially after he had been so nice to me whole day before that... I cannot help it, it makes narcissist appear double-faced and dishonest :(

Thank you so much for your message, Almost there, it really made me feel good! I hope you keep on reading my blog, its nice to know I am not alone in this cyberspace :) I feel I am getting there too, with small steps...

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Friday, November 7, 2008

Weekend coming up...

Well, my narcissistic spouse is coming back this weekend. I have been keeping busy with all sorts of things at work. I still have pretty mixed feelings about narcissist. Sometimes I feel good thinking about him, I have warm and caring feelings towards him, but then after a while I remember some insult from his part, and my feeling goes down...

I feel so sorry that narcissist has with his own behavior cooled my feelings towards him. I truly cared for him very, very much and I still care about him, but my feeling is now different. I am not letting myself "love" him anymore so strongly, I have willingly cooled down my feelings. And its actually amazing to realize that we can indeed control our emotions, at list to certain extent :)

Nowadays, if I remember some insulting incident from our past, I feel pain only for a brief moment, after couple seconds my feelings just turn flat, I feel nothing, no pain, perhaps a bit of sadness, because I know things didnt have to go that way, if only he would not have behaved so inappropriately towards me.. It was all in his hands, and he chose to kill my love towards him with his constant criticism, shouting and insults.

I know I could wake up my love towards him again, it would be very easy, but I dont want to do it, because I dont want to get hurt again by him... Narcissist has proven to me that he is the kind of person who is capable of hurting me, he can do things which make me sad (and which he KNOWS will make me sad) without thinking or caring for one second how I feel. To me that is not definition of love, actually its the opposite of love. I feel my narcissistic spouse has been treating me pretty badly... And I think its not possible for me to ever forget those insults. And I guess that is a good thing, no one should swallow that kind of stuff forever.

I have tried all I can to make it work for us, but it has not been enough. If only one person is empathetic towards the other and trying to create a happy relationship, it does not work. It takes two people. And these things have not been a priority for narcissist.

Lets see how weekend goes...

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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I feel stronger :)

As I have said, it has now been a while since I have seen my narcissistic spouse, he has been away due to his work. At first I was missing him (despite everything), but now it seems like time has started to do its job: I am starting to realize how pleasant and carefree my life is when narcissist is not around. My stomach is not aching, I dont have constant unpleasant feeling, I feel overall much better. Of course I have those bad moments, when I am thinking narcissist might be flirting with some women while he is away, but somehow I have realized that if he is going to do it, he is going to do it, and it makes no difference if I am stressing about it, I will never know how things have went, since I cannot be a fly on wall... unfortunately (or maybe fortunately:)

I think I am slowly starting to come to my senses. It will be interesting to see how I react/feel when I see my narcissistic spouse again.... perhaps I will be surprised.

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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Narcissistic spouse is coming back in few days...

Well, as I said earlier my narcissistic spouse is coming back home by the end of this week... after being away for quite a while (due to work). I have mixed feelings about it. There is part of me that is wishing i could somehow forget all the bad times and insults... and then there is a part that understands that its not possible, that no matter what happens in the future, I can never respect and trust my narcissistic spouse again the way I did in the beginning of our relationship... and perhaps this is a good thing, perhaps evolution has created this mechanism to protect us: if someone has show you with his behavior that he cannot be trusted, you would be a fool if you did trust him again, right (unless of course if he really shows with his actions and attitude that he has changed)?

I have been reading recently quite a bit of stories of other people (from various discussion forums) who are in similar situation than me, and it really helps to realize that there are others out there who are asking all the same questions that I am asking. Its funny how it always takes time for a human mind to fully understand whats best for us...

I am in away a bit afraid of the moment when my narcissistic spouse is going to step in after few days... I would so much want to believe that there will not be any arguments, but past has shown me that there always will be... So, I have tried to be mentally prepared that we may break up before Christmas. In a way it would be easier if narcissist was the one to make that decision (of breaking up), on the other hand it might be better for my self-esteem if I was the one who is leaving narcissist, and not other way around... Even tho I imagine narcissist is going to present the case to his friends in such a way that it was narcissist who left me, no matter what really happened... Narcissist never wants to appear weak in the eyes of others.

So, it will be rather interesting time during next few weeks. I will keep writing this diary, it helps me to cope with my feelings...
Amazing how much a simple act of writing can help!

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Monday, November 3, 2008

Forgetting cheating, bad treatment and narcissistic rage

I was talking this weekend to a friend of mine, who had some interesting new insights regarding difficult relationships, insecurity, jealousy etc. He said (this friend of mine), that in some sense a key to happiness is "letting go" of things, not to hold on to things too much. I started to think about this more, and realized that it is actually true! I have been having EXTREMELY DIFFICULT time accepting certain things which my narcissistic spouse has been doing with other women... The thought of my spouse being together romantically with another woman has been very painful to me... it makes me feel physically sick in my stomach. My narcissistic spouse claims that he has not really gotten physical with another woman, but just holding hands, light kissing etc. But I think those things are bad enough, I would not go on holding hands or kissing with another person, if I am in a relationship... but I know there are many people in this world who think differently, who dont think those things are such a big deal... but since I think they are, I have felt that my spouse has to think the same way, otherwise things cannot work...

Anyways, back to the main point. So, I was digging into my "deepest feelings" and tried to discover what was the "source", the true reason for my unhappy feeling, whenever I was thinking of my narcisistic spouse with some other woman, doing something romantic... And I realized that the "bottom" reason was that I felt as if something was "taken away" from me, something which I had thought was mine: the love of my spouse towards me.

The very thing that make us fall in love with someone is (amongst other things) the fact that we are aware that person loves us back. During the first months of our relationship, I was literally in heaven: I felt my spouse loved me and that made me love him even more. Now during last year, all sorts of things have happened... My narcissistic spouse has been getting romantic with other women, he even slept in same bed with a woman, who he has previously been involved with. I think that is incredibly insulting behavior towards me... I could never do that to person I love.

All these his actions have made me feel that his feelings towards me are not as strong as my feelings towards him. And that hurts, because I believed I had something (his love), and I now realize I dont have that thing anymore (perhaps never did). And it is that feeling of losing something that is causing the pain... However, my spouse has not said to me that he has no feelings towards me, he says he cares for me very much, despite our problems. But his actions speak often something else... So, I am getting contradicting messages, and get very confused :(

But yesterday I realized that if I "let go" of my expectations, I will not be so hurt by these things. I know some of you might think this is rather foolish approach. But if you are experiencing strong pain and heartache in your relationship, you do anything to make that feeling go away. Thinking like this helps me to get rid of my pain. Of course it might (and probably will) eventually take away my feeling of "love" towards my spouse... But I think he has already proven with his actions, that he is not the kind of person I thought he is, and therefore its not good for me to love him too "purely", since he is not loving me back that way.

The best option for me is to love my narcissistic spouse back the same way he loves me, not with too much emotion and feeling, but somehow more "practical" way. I no longer expect anything from him, so I dont get disappointed... I dont know if I can really live like that, but at list I can try..

I believe my narcissistic spouse is emotionally very cold person, who just cannot put himself into position of another person. He either does not realize how much his behavior, shouting etc can hurt other person, or then he does realize it but simply does not care, or then (the worst option) he is enjoying seeing other person get hurt... Whatever the truth is, I dont want to love that kind of a person "blindly", from all my heart without any reservations, because it will only bring pain for me. So, the only option is to little by little let go of my pure love and to learn to think of my narcissistic spouse the same way he seems to think of me. Why should I waste my emotions on person who is not loving me with all his heart? And little by little I hope this approach will help me to let go of my painful memories of insulting things narcissist has done to me in past. If someone who you love is doing bad things for you, it hurts, but if you dont love the person who is doing them for you, you just dont care so much... if someone who is neutral to you is treating you badly, you just go away from that person, but if you are in love, its so much more difficult to leave...

Its such a pity that my spouse cannot see that he is driving me away from him with his own actions. I wish things did not have to go like this... I wish he could love me as much as I (have) loved him. But it looks like he cannot do it. Perhaps he simply does not know how to love anyone....

Well, this ended up being rather pessimistic message, even tho I meant it to be a bit more optimistic... I guess it is a reflection of my true feelings... sad but true, it seems I no longer truly believe we have a change to stay together... well, time will tell how things go.

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Friday, October 31, 2008

Secret of Happiness

The secret of happiness: lets not compare ourselves to others around us. Its so natural for human being to do that, but once we realize we dont really HAVE TO do it, its like opening the door into another world...!
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Innocence lost to narcissistic spouse

My narcissistic spouse has been out of town for some time now, due to his work, he is returning after one week. In a way I feel its good to have my privacy for a while, to organize my thoughts... I have been doing so much thinking during last couple weeks. I have started to realize that no matter what will happen to this relationship, even if we could somehow stay together and magically work out all these problems, I can never get back the innocence I had in the beginning of this relationship.. :(.

Before this man, I never, ever had trust issues in my relationships. Somehow I was spared from that stuff until now. So, in a way I have been living in an innocent world of a child, where all feelings, including love, are pure... its such a horrible feeling, when you cannot trust someone you love, it has been hard lesson for me to learn.

When I first got to know my narcissistic spouse, I was so much in love with him it was simply overwhelming. I felt he loved me too, and that made my feelings even stronger, typical positive feed-back loop, familiar to so many. We wrote loving emails to each other, called all the time long phone calls, expressed our emotions to each other all the time, felt so good and excited about the idea of sharing future together... At one point we moved to live together, I remember how happy I was when we went to buy some new furniture for our new home. I wasnt happy because of the new furniture, I was happy because I was there looking for them WITH HIM, for our HOME that we shared...you know what I mean, right? You have been there, those first exciting months/ years of relationship when love seems to be all around...

Then something changed, so slowly that I didnt even realize it until after long time had passed. At some point he stopped writing loving emails to me. I still continued, but his responses were short, so in time I stopped doing that too. Also all these arguments started to be more frequent. During first arguments, I was so shocked, I became mental wreck, I just could not face it that my man who I loved so much and who I thought loved me was able to shout to me all those horrible things he did... when he was angry, he could say to me that he no longer loved me and that I was a horrible, unpleasant person, that he wanted me to get the hell out of his life etc.. he was insulting me in so many ways... but then when his anger passed, perhaps after couple days, he could say that he did feel good about me, despite all the arguments, and wanted to stay together and try his best to make it work. So, one day he was showing red light for our relationship ("I dont love you, dont want to be with you" etc), another day he would show green light ("I love you, you are the best woman for me" etc).

I felt like a total mess, I felt I could not build my plans of future with this person, since I could not be sure that he was going to stick with me... this led to feelings of incompetence and insecurity, uncertainty about future etc, and all that lead to great unhappiness and feelings of depression... and that is about the point where I stand now.

I feel that no matter what I do or what my narcissistic spouse does, I cannot get back my loving feeling towards him. There are moments when I feel good and happy and I can think about my narcissistic spouse with warm feelings, but that can all change in a blink of an eye: If a memory of some impolite thing he has done to me surfaces unexpectedly, I feel literally sick in my stomach, physical pain and bottomless sadness... for example if I suddenly remember narcissist doing something improper with some woman (sleeping in same bed with a woman after drinking with her and claiming that nothing happened, or something similar..), I instantly become sad. And those memories can pop up at unexpected times, like in the middle of the dinner with my spouse, and then my mood is spoiled...

I have tried to analyze why this happens, and I think I know why: Before any problems existed, I could say to myself "my spouse really loves me, from all his heart", and that thought gave me such a pleasure, because I loved my spouse so much and when you love somebody, its like taking some drug when you think that the person loves you back, your brain is releasing all those pleasure substances, lifting you above the clouds... you know what i mean.

But now, after all the arguments, after all the shouting and insults from his part, I no longer can say to myself that my spouse loves me "purely". I feel I would be fool if I believed that at this point, so I just cannot make myself to believe he truly cares for me as much as I used to think before... and as a consequence, I feel as if "something has been taken away from me", even tho I never really literally had that something... The sadness I experience is simply grief due to this loss, and mourning something always takes time...

My narcissistic spouse has said to me many times that he does not love me. I have never said this to him, not a single time. Even if there is an argument, I am never saying anything mean to my spouse, I merely try to defend myself against his horrible accusations. I never attack back. I feel that if I love somebody, I could never intentionally hurt and insult that person, least of all say that I dont love him, which is the worst thing one can hear if one is in love...

I never do those things, but he has no problem doing them. So, my illusions of "pure love" between us have been taken away, forever. And that is what I mean when I said in the beginning of this message, that I feel I have lost the innocence at list when it comes to this relationship, that things can never be the same again, even if my narcissistic spouse would change completely and never insult me again... the memories will always stay with me. However, they dont have to hount me. If I stay with my spouse, our life together will be different, even if things will improve. Different does not necessarily mean worse. But only time will tell how things will go...

Perhaps its good that these things happened, this has really made me grow as a human being... as I said, before I have never faced any trust issues in relationship. This has forced me to grow stronger, more independent... I have started to realize, that my happiness cannot be dependent on anyone else, I am the center piece of my life, even if my man does not love me its not the end of the world, then I just move on... and even if I will not find someone I can love and who loves me back, that cannot prevent me from being happy! We create our own happiness, I can decide what is happy life for me. I dont have to be dependent on anyone, least of all of someone who is making me feel depressed and unhappy and who does not seem to respect me...

Its so helpful to be able to write down my thoughts here! I will get back soon :)

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Thursday, October 30, 2008

More thoughts about narcissism

Today I had in a way sad and in a way happy day. I felt calm, I was able to get some good things done at work, and generally I didnt feel very depressed... I have felt depressed due to this relationship with my narcissistic spouse for about a year now. It has happened gradually, only now when I look back I realize how bad I have felt because of our problems. Feels like light has slowly disappeared from my life, I have become a sad woman, I no longer get enjoyment out of those things which used to bring me joy. All these things are warning signs which should be taken extremely seriously, I know.

The problems with my narcissistic spouse started about one year ago, when first issues of other women came up. I have not caught narcissist literally cheating, but he has had emotional affairs, which have insulted me very much. Also there have been some incidents which I am sure would have made some people think that something physical has happened...

For example narcissist has been sleeping in same bed with another woman, after going out and drinking with this woman (narcissist of course claims that nothing happened), and also he has been getting couple new female friends during last year, with whom he has been going to bars etc. Also narcissist has admitted that something "half-romantic" happened with one of these women, but he claims that he is not interested in her. Anyways, I feel his behavior towards me has been pretty impolite in many ways, these were just some examples. Why, then have I stayed with my narcissistic spouse? Well, he claims that he is not looking for another woman, that he is not even thinking about it, that he wants to try his best to make our relationship to work, that he cares about me.... and up to this point I have always tried to believe him, until next horrible argument has emerged, leaving me with hopeless, empty feeling...

There are also other reasons why I have stayed this long with my narcissistic spouse, trying my best to make it work... biggest reason of course is that I feel I am still emotionally attached to my narcissistic spouse. But I have started to realize that it is not really narcissist to whom I am attached, but merely to an image of him, which I created before I even got to know him well. Now narcissist has shown his true face to me, and he is not the kind of person I thoughts he was. But letting go of my ideal image of narcissist is very hard... its hard for human being to admit "ok, I was wrong, I failed, I could not reach this person and make him realize how wonderful thing he had going with me, and that he blew it up with his ignorance, and that its so sad, because it didnt have to happen"... I guess that is the reason why people stay in horrible, abusive relationships.

My narcissistic spouse is not violent (not really violent), but he is definitely mentally abusive person, so in a way this situation is comparable with those relationships where there is violence... for some reason it is so hard to leave, even tho one knows its not good to stay. But after leaving an abusive relationship, I have never heard anyone say they regret they left, not a single person. Only thing everyone seem to regret is that they did not leave sooner... thats something to think about.

Of course there are also good times, and good sides in my spouse. I like some aspects in him very much. Of course, why else would I still be with him..! But I dont know if this is enough to keep relationship going... sometimes love is just not enough, it does not matter how much you love someone, some people just cannot live together... I have started to think perhaps we are one of those couples. But I dont know how this is going to end, because I seem to be too weak to walk away at this point.. perhaps more time, and more arguments will make me stronger. It remains to be seen...

Ps. I found this great website dealing with narcissism, take a look if you suspect your partner could be a narcissist:
thepsychopath.freeforums.org

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Thoughts about narcissism

Ok, it has been a while since I have been writing here. Many things have happened... I have kept a diary all this time when we have been together with this man, and I was just reading it on one day. I was shocked. If I read that diary as an outsider, I just simply could not understand why this woman is hanging with this guy, why isnt she leaving him. Reading about his anger and small, insignificant things which triggered that anger almost made me laugh at some points. I guess that is a good sign... :)

I have been reading a lot about narcissism lately, and even tho I know I am in no position to make a diagnosis (not a doctor), I still strongly believe that this person has LOTS of narcissist features in him... Here are just some examples:

- He hardly ever asks about my life when we talk on the phone, if we have not seen for a long time. He is either talking about himself, or then he is quiet. If I dont say anything for a while, there is silence. Then maybe he says something, but most likely I will try to keep conversation alive by asking something about his life, then he can again talk about himself.

- His episodes of extreme anger ("anger attacks") seem to be often related to the fact that he feels I have somehow questioned his knowledge or capability. For example if I say "dont worry about that" if he has told me about some problem in his life, he can get very upset, even start shouting, saying that I dont know him at all if I think he is "worrying" about something. "Worrying" to him is equal to "being afraid", and he never, ever can admit of being afraid of anything.

- He does not react to tears. If his shouting has made me cry, it only seems to aggravate his rage. If I try to defend myself verbally, he says "dont try to defend your behavior, you dont need to try to justify yourself", in very impolite manner.

- He can never see anything wrong in his own behavior. Everything is always my fault, due to my personality, which makes him act like that towards me. He claims that he is a good-hearted person, but that I bring out all these bad sides in him... (if this is true, why is he still sticking with me? He is free to go anytime, but he hasnt left... I believe its because he has nothing "better" in sight at this moment, but if he one day has, he will not hesitate to go. Another typical feature for a narcissist.... always looking for provider of "narcissist supply", and so far it has been me...

- He is always talking about how much other people appreciate him. He has been helping some people in his work and he can say things like ""that guy will never forget what I did for him, he will always remember it and appreciate it" etc. Or if he has invited some people out to dinner, he can say "those people really liked me and appreciated what I did for them"... If I was in similar situation, even if I feel that someone has appreciated my actions, I dont feel comfortable talking about it out loud that way... almost like bragging... feels like he needs so much admiration and appreciation from others, that he needs to say those things out loud to make it more "true" for himself, perhaps. Another narcissist trait, I guess...

- He often says "I can feel that you love me extremely much", or "I am so happy that you love me so much" or "you seem to love me like crazy"... he does not say often "I love you". Somehow he seems to get pleasure out of the thought that I love him "like crazy", that boosts his self-esteem...

- There are many more examples, I will write them down later.

I will start to write to this blog more regularly, keep this as my new "diary", so that I can see these sorts of patterns of behavior more clearly... I feel I am now further down this path of breaking free, I am slowly getting there, eventually I know I can let go of him... but I dont want to leave yet, I dont want to go through stress and depression of moving out at this moment (too many important things going on at work etc... they cannot fail. I dont want to let him ruin those things too for me), I dont want to miss him like crazy if I leave now... I want to slowly start to see him as he is, and to realize that I dont have to miss him, once I leave... now I feel I would still miss him very much. I am going to collect these strange features of his into this diary, and by reading this I see him as he really is, definitely not a person worth missing...

Its almost funny, that human mind is sometimes so "weak", that I dont seem to be able to just simply leave, even tho he has shown in so many ways that he does not respect me, most likely does not love me etc... I am "addicted" to my own illusion, image which I created of him before I truly got to know him... I saw him as this charming, caring, polite person... but now I have started to see behind the curtain, to see the ugly side in him, the unemotional, cold, cruel, even slightly sadistic side.

I say sadistic, because I have started to think that perhaps he is getting some sort of twisted pleasure out of being cruel to me. One time I was talking with him via webcam, when he was out of town because of his work, and he was shouting again to me like crazy about something insignificant. I had my webcam off, and I think he did not remember that his was on... I was looking at his face when he was shouting (he wasnt looking at the camera, but looked like a person who thinks he is alone, nobody watching him), and I could swear I saw a trace of smile on his face. Of course it could have been a grimace, due to anger, but it sure looked like a smile to me... that was pretty scary. I felt as if I did not know that person at all...

Ps. I just read what I wrote above and I feel like yes, I am definitely close to being able to break free...! This is not the life I want for me for years to come. I want to feel happy and loved, not depressed and sad... I hope my writings could help others struggling with similar issues, trying to break free from bad relationship, but having hard time doing it... Warm hugs to all of you! It helps to know we are not alone in this :)

It has really helped me to read stories of others in similar situation from various discussion forums. Here are couple good ones if you want to take a look:

thepsychopath.freeforums.org
psychforums.com
curezone.com
divorcesupport.com

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Thursday, October 9, 2008

I am drunk... analyzing my relationship with narcissistic spouse

Ok, as I said in title, I am a bit drunk right now, so following should be processed through some sorts of filters...

Tonight I felt both bad and good about my narcissistic spouse. We went to a party together, and there narcissist met his ex, and I felt she gave me a pretty bad look while she was talking to him, so I took off at one point... this was not a protest, I was supposed to leave at one point to my work, and we were supposed to call each other afterwards. My narcissistic spouse did not even realize what happened... When we later talked on phone, he said I was imagining things when I said she gave me a bad look.

Well, after thinking about it carefully it can be that she wasnt looking directly to me, she and my spouse were sitting together a bit further away when this happened, but she was looking at my direction, with grim look on her face, and I really did think she saw me and didnt like to see me there... this thing between me and this ex is a bit complicated, I have not really talked to her at all, since my spouse has said that she is still very upset about their break-up, and that I should not go talk to her, since she feels bad about thinking of me and him together... I know it sounds strange, but thats what my spouse has said, and somehow I have went along with it...

Anyways, so I left and came home alone, sent my spouse a txt message that I am waiting for him to call me, and he did call me after a while. He sounded very loving, sounded very surprised that his ex had gave me a bad look (if she did it, of which I cannot be sure, so I dont want to accuse her without solid proof :), was very polite, friendly, etc, and wanted me to join the group of people who was going out tonight... I said I was already at home, and said I will wait for him here. He sounded very loving and friendly. His ex was (according to him) not part of the group he was going to continue evening with, and he wanted me to go along with them. I said that I will await for him at home. He said he will call me a bit later.

Now I am here, waiting for my spouse to call or to show up... I dont know why, but I feel somehow good about his attitude, I feel there might be some hope for us after all the trouble we have been through... He has been very friendly during last couple of days after our severe argument, he seems to understand that there has also been some fault in him (I mean all our problems I have told you before...). That somehow makes me feel good, that my spouse realizes that there is some fault in him as well, that is not all about me... I feel there are so many good things in this relationship, which have been the reason why I have been trying to keep it going... biggest reason of course is that I love him. If I did not, I would have given up long time ago. I just would hope that he would show with his behavior that he loves me too.. If he does, I feel I am ready to be with him until the end... I am exposing my deepest feelings to you now in this internet diary. This is how I feel in my heart. I know some of you think this is crazy. Also I know some of you recognize themselves in my writing...

I know there are so many relationships in this world which are not ideal, and people are struggling trying to decide whether they should leave or not... I have been doing the same thing. But something is making us to stay with these partners of ours, even when they treat us badly... what is it? Love? Addiction? I dont know, but I am trying to find out... come back again to read my story as it continues, and maybe we will discover it together... maybe I will end up leaving this man, or he leaves me, I dont know what will happen... or maybe we will stay together... follow my story and you will find out! And maybe it will help you in your own relationship.

We are not alone, there are countless of numbers of people in this world struggling with these same issues at this very moment... lets support each other! We deserve happiness, no matter in which form it will come to us..! I wish my story will help someone out there to see his/her situation more clearly! We humans are all alike... I am like you, you are like me. I wish I knew you, who are reading this blog! I wish I was able to talk to you and share experiences! Maybe one day we are able to do it :) Lets keep in touch! Keep on reading my story, maybe some day we will meet in person or talk over skype or over phone, that would be fantastic!!!! Love you all. Take care. Lets not give up!!!!

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.

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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

About jealousy

I have been thinking about jealousy today, tried to understand what is the reason for it... I think jealousy is mostly due to fear of losing something. This may sound like stating a self-evident fact, but I think many people have not truly bothered to analyze themselves when they feel unpleasant feelings, they are just suffering of jealousy, without realizing what is causing it.

Knowledge is power, and that power helps to get rid of bad feelings! I too have been experiencing jealousy in my relationship. But now I have decided to train myself "out of this bad habit", I want to free myself of everything that is unpleasant and that is preventing me from being fully happy (when I say that I am thinking of the rest of my life, not merely this relationship I now am in... I dont know if we are going to stay together or not, right now I am too confused to make any decision, but regardless of that, I want to learn to control my own feelings, for the sake of myself and for my future happiness! :)

I realized that in the end its pointless to feel jealousy, because if something is going to happen, it will happen anyway... so its pointless to worry about things beforehand, right? :) Anything can happen in life, we can die tomorrow, so why not to enjoy this moment, instead of wasting life in worrying and being afraid..! Of course its easier said than done, I know. But I believe its possible to train my brain to think in a new way and truly become the master of my own feelings, so that for example problems in a relationship cannot crush me :) I am going to start this process of training my brain, and I will keep you updated about the process :)

Tired...

I have been so disoriented during last few days... I dont know what to do. On the other hand I want to leave my narcissistic spouse, but a thought of leaving makes me so sad... I dont have strength to do it... I have not even had strength to write here, I have been so tired. I will try to write more soon... and tell what will happen to us...

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Friday, October 3, 2008

Confused... thoughts about bad relationship with a narcissist

Well, I have not moved out yet... we have been able to talk to each other as civilized people, my narcissistic spouse has been apologizing his behavior, we have even been intimate... but somehow my feeling towards my spouse is not the same. I nowadays perceive my spouse as person with disorder (narcissism) and it has flattened my feeling. I still feel "love" and attachment, but somehow the joy that was there in the beginning of our relationship has disappeared.

I remember how I felt when we had just met, how much in love I was with my spouse, there was nothing bitter, nothing bad, no sadness, no suspicion, no mistrust... I felt loved and happy. There was no lies, betrayal, other women, mental abuse, narcissistic rage or any of those things. Now I no longer feel as I did back then. I believe my narcissistic spouse cares about me in his own way, the way a narcissistic person can care about somebody, but that is not the same way I care about him. I feel my spouse does not love me as much as I love him (yes, unfortunately despite all that has happened, I still feel love towards my spouse... I wish I didnt, I wish there was a button I could press to stop my feeling, but unfortunately there is no such button). I realize that a narcissist can never love another person more than he loves himself. Well, that is what narcissism is all about so it should not be a surprise for me, since I have known for a long time that he is a narcissist... :(

So, I feel very confused now... I cannot start the mourning process, because I am still in a way "together" with my narcissistic spouse (we live in same apartment, are behaving normally towards each other, have been intimate as I said, etc..). But I cannot be totally happy either, because these things are in my mind, clouding my thoughts... I cannot forget his narcissistic rage attacks, his insults and mocking, shouting and all that mental and verbal abuse.
I will get back soon to tell how things are improving.... I am pessimistic, I feel its only a matter of time when there will be next big argument. Sadly a narcissist can never change. Like for example tonight my narcissistic spouse got invited to a party organized by his friend, and I imagine he would want me to go with him, so that everything would seem "normal" to these friends... Appearing normal is very important for a narcissist. But I dont feel like going. Usually if I refuse to go somewhere with my narcissistic spouse, he gets angry and upset and has narcissistic rage attack. Lets see what happens now... I certainly dont want to go, I feel unpleasant about the idea of going because my spouse has been insulting and mocking me also in front of these people. I dont want to go there as some kind of a puppet, who is again happy because narcissist decided to be nice for change... no thanks!

I will get back soon, until then take care and lots of hugs!

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Sad thoughts about mental abuse and relationship with narcissistic spouse

I have found it very hard to concentrate on my work lately due to problems in personal life... I promised to write more about what happened after our argument, but I will try to do it in next post. Now I feel I just want to write about how I feel right now. I think these feelings are very common to everyone who are dealing with similar problems in their relationship.

I feel very stressed physically. My stomach is aching, it feels as if my head is very heavy, sad thoughts are filling my mind, I cannot concentrate or find happiness in anything. If only there was a way for me to coexist peacefully with my narcissistic spouse, that is all I would want. But it seems he is not the kind of a man with whom I can never, and I mean NEVER, feel happy, carefree and trusting. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, and if that starts to fade, its the beginning of an end... so it seems to be in this case as well.

Ok, let me tell you a bit of what happened after our argument. As I said couple days ago, I had already decided to leave and move out from our home, but I found it very hard to actually start to do the arrangements for this. I was extremely sad when thinking that our relationship was over...

After couple days had passed, things started to calm down between us, and I had a feeling that perhaps I was able to live together with my narcissistic spouse in that apartment until I find my own place. It was in a way horrible to realize that I started to have thoughts in the back of my mind that "perhaps we could somehow get over this crisis, and live peacefully and happy...". But in the same time I know very well that a narcissist can never change. Narcissist will continue to be as he is, he can never change those things in him which hurt me.

Why, then, the decision of leaving is not crystal clear in my head? When I think logically, it should be such an easy decision, of course I should leave... but leaving is so hard, so crushing, so sad... staying seems to be "easiest" way, even tho in a long run I know it is very wrong decision... this relationship feels a bit like a drug (even tho I never tried drugs, but I imagine it must feel the same..) in that sense that if I think of leaving my narcissistic spouse, I start to have physical withdrawal symptoms, pain in stomach, feelings of depression and anxiety... and then if I imagine that things could be worked out, those withdrawal symptoms disappear... but not completely, because i know in my heart that narcissist cannot change, these situations keep coming also in future, narcissist gets upset about tiny things, he shouts at me, he slowly destroys my self-esteem...

The big question is do I let that happen, am I so weak that I cannot break free, protect the integrity of my mind by leaving? I always thought I was a strong person, but now I feel so weak... I know I should leave, but its so HARD to make that decision... I feel like a boat floating towards deadly waterfall, helpless, unable to save myself... I wish I will find a strength in me to break free! I must really start to train my head to become stronger person, to control my emotions and to get back on the horse again.... I want to be happy in my relationship, not sad, depressed, anxious etc...

Sometimes I have seen some friends to be in similar situation in which I now find myself to be in. Its so easy to see from outside what a person should do, but when you are inside that situation yourself, your judgment and common sense are clouded by your desperate hopes of somehow being able to find a way to live happily with your significant other... I guess I now understand a bit better why people stay in horrible relationships where there is constant beating etc (luckily my narcissistic spouse is not really violent, or at list he has not been until this day...).

I feel right now so bad, so helpless and depressed about this situation. I dont know what is going to happen. I must clear my thoughts. I will write back here soon and keep you posted on what is going on... I wish my story helps someone out there to see their own situation more clearly. You are not alone with your heartache and sadness...

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

After argument with narcissistic spouse

When I said earlier that my narcissistic spouse hit me, I feel I must explain that situation a bit. We had had a big argument couple days before that happened and due to that, I had been a bit quiet and working late during those days. I suspect narcissist had been thinking in his head that I am playing with an idea of leaving him... which I of course had been doing, but I had not spoken to narcissist about my thoughts. In addition to this, narcissist had been having all sorts of trouble at his work, which had also caused narcissist stress. So in a way these things may explain partially why narcissist got o upset so easily, over nothing at all... but of course these things dont justify his bad behavior.

Anyhow, when my narcissistic spouse hit me, it wasnt a hit to the face or anything like that, but narcissist hit me to my back from behind when we were walking on the street. It didnt really hurt me, he didnt hit so hard, I dont know if it was because my narcissistic spouse is not really very strong person physically, or because he did not really mean to hurt me badly, it was just a reaction (but still, a reaction like that should never take place between two human beings!)... I feel narcissist was so overwhelmed by his anger that it came out like that, in a burst. But when it happened, I felt very bad... because I had told myself that if ever a man hits me, its over, immediately.

After hitting me, narcissist left in anger, and I went the other way. As I was walking back towards home, I felt adrenaline rush through my veins. I felt alive, energetic, sad that things ended like that, but very certain that this was the end, because narcissist had hit me to my back, from behind, like a coward, and in public place, so that everyone could see it... and people did see it, they were looking in amazement. I felt very embarrassed because of his behavior.

After this mad behavior, narcissist disappeared for 24 hours. He did not contact me (we live in same apartment) or send a note or anything at all to let me know where he was or that he was not going to come home that night. Next day narcissist called on afternoon. He was calm, but said he did not want to see me. I agreed. Then after a while narcissist nevertheless called me again and we decided to meet.

Narcissist was calm and friendly, and we were able to communicate. Here I must emphasize that my narcissistic spouse had never been violent before, perhaps for that reason I felt comfortable enough to meet him and talk to him. I understand that many of you find it very strange that a woman can agree to meet a man after being treated like that. But when one is in love, the actions are not always "smart" or "sane"... So, we went to eat pizza together and as I said narcissist was friendly, but I had surrealistic feeling, I felt something has been changed, and could not be changed back, ever. I felt very sad. We were smiling and behaving normally, but it was just a show, not real warmth. I felt very sad.

I will continue this story soon, more things happened after that which really made me think...

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Some random thoughts about narcissism

I have meant to return to write something here sooner, but I just have not had the energy. I have tried to handle my work and all other things and in the same time I have tried to keep my head together. But many things have happened during last couple of days, and I want to write about them here as soon as I can. I will write more within 24 hours, I want to try to clear all these things in my mind by writing down everything that has happened.

I wish my story and all these experiences in my relationship with narcissistic spouse and thoughts related to those events could help others who are in a relationship with a narcissist to see their situation more clearly and make right decisions in their own life... I will return soon and tell you more about what has happened!

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Recovery after break-up with narcissist spouse

Ok, yesterday my relationship to my narcissistic spouse finally ended. Or perhaps I should say today, because I decided today that I must finish this after our horrible argument yesterday. The argument, as usual, started over something extremely small, insignificant matter, of which my narcissistic spouse got upset. I said some trivial, everyday matter, but narcissist interpreted it (as usual) in a wrong way.

He went to narcissistic rage mode again, got extremely upset and started to shout to me. At one point in the middle of shouting he hit me. Narcissist had been shouting to me many, many times before during our relationship, but before this he had never hit me. I felt horrible, completely crushed. But still, even after this, I tried to calm narcissist down, explain that I did not mean to make him upset, that I loved him, etc.

But as usual, words did not mean anything to my spouse as it seems to be the case with a narcissist. My spouse is completely emotionless person, totally lacking all empathy and compassion towards others. If I cry, my tears only aggravate his anger and narcissistic rage. My spouse has always been like this, it is in his personality and I dont believe he can chage. So, finally, I decided today that it is time for me to face the facts, no matter how much they hurt, and accept that narcissist is not going to change, ever, and therefore I must leave him. And this is when the hard part begins. Bittersweet recovery from mentally consuming relationship with a narcissist.

I feel totally empty (hitting happened yesterday) and somehow still wishing things could turn out the best and we could stay together. But in the same time I realize that I can never forget the insults of my narcissistic spouse and his mad anger towards me, he has been calling me with horrible names and shouting to me countless of times. So I must just be strong and face the long darkness ahead before hopefully sun again shines one day... I want to like my life without the shadow of narcissistic spouse looming over me and draining me from all my energy.

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Bad argument with narcissistic spouse

Well, we had horrible argument last night, again. Or I should say narcissist was fighting, since I never shout back and call him names etc, which my spouse ALWAYS does. Again argument started over nothing at all, at list from my point of view. A simple innocent question/comment can evoke such anger in narcissist, he is looking for hidden meanings between the lines, and seems to take everything I say in such a way that I am trying to "control" him, to tell him what he should say and do etc... incredible. I just cannot understand how narcissist can turn things around like that in his mind...

I have started to realize that my spouse has lots of personality traits in him which are typical for a narcissist. For example, he completely lacks empathy, pity and compassion towards others. My spouse cannot put himself into other persons position and therefore he cannot know how much his behavior and bad words can hurt another person. So I guess in a way it is not "his fault" that he is being so horrible time to time, perhaps my spouse just cannot understand how bad his narcissistic behavior makes other person feel...

But here is the question: Does that make it somehow more "acceptable" for my spouse to behave like that, even if the "diagnosis" was that my spouse is a narcissist? If I was blind and someone would tell me that whenever I move my right arm in a certain way, I am almost hitting other people around me, I would avoid doing that particular movement, even tho I would have no idea what is going on around me. I would think that a reasonable person would understand if someone says clearly "I feel very bad when you do that", and if you care about the person who says that to you, you try not to do those things too often, right?

So, even if you lack empathy as narcissist often do, if you are being told that something you do has a certain (bad) effect, if you dont even try to change your behavior, you are... sorry to say, either ignorant or simply stupid! Stupidity is hardly the case here, so I am afraid to say that my spouse most likely is simply ignorant as narcissist are... and here is another question: is there always a a tiny (or bigger) amount of evil character involved if person is ignorant in situations, where he knows his behavior makes people around him to feel bad.. what do you think? Could it be possible that someone is not truly a bad person, even if he is shouting and being ignorant to other persons feelings? Until now I have thought that my spouse is deep inside a good-hearted man, because he is very helpful and loyal to his friends, and that he just has a very short temper and some personal traits of a narcissist, but now I am starting to wonder if I have been very wrong... what do you think?

Anyway, back to the story. After my spouse got upset last night, he just could not stop complaining to me, he kept on talking about the matter even tho I told him I want to stop the conversation since it was so horribly unpleasant for me to listen to his shouting and insulting comments. That was when narcissist went to this mental stage called narcissistic rage, where he was just shouting like crazy.

My narcissistic spouse is usually accusing me of not being able to let go of one topic until I "make other person sick", but it seems to be him who has problems letting go of things. The reason why narcissist is accusing me of "not being able to let go of things" is because in the beginning of our relationship, when he lost his temper and started to shout at me, I was shocked and just could not understand what triggered his anger, and so I always tried to make my spouse to understand that my purpose was not what he thought, that I did not mean to criticize or complain or whatever it is he was accusing me of doing. Usually my narcissistic spouse just could not understand what I was saying correctly, and I felt I did not want to let him go on believing I had meant something else than I really meant, I wanted my spouse to realize that I did not really think the way he thought I did. Nowadays I no longer bother to explain so much why I said something, if narcissist has gotten something into his head it is pointless to try to get him to change his mind, unfortunately.

Anyway, my spouse told me I should leave him, that he did not feel good in this relationship, etc. I of course felt very bad about this, and tried to make my spouse see that he got upset over nothing at all. But then at some point I just gave up, I no longer wanted to talk, since narcissist just kept on insulting me and went on with his narcissistic rage mode... and I went away, to sleep in another room. Then in the morning I tried to be very nice to my spouse, but he was still angry and in bad mood. It is so mentally consuming to live in a mental roller coaster like this, one day narcissist wants to break up, another day he says he loves me and is happy... its mentally very demanding to live with narcissist person, I dont know how much longer I can stand this.

Why then have I stayed even tho I know his narcissistic personality and I know a narcissist rarely can change? I find it harder and harder to answer that question.. I have said to myself that I am staying because I love my spouse and in a way I have thought of his narcissism as a disease, and I have not wanted to leave my spouse because he has some sort of disorder... but I am no longer sure if this is even "pure love" or some sort of "addiction" to feeling of being with this person... I think it has turned into addiction, and when I think about leaving and living without my spouse, I feel withdrawal symptoms... and that makes me stay.

The presence of a narcissist is like a drug, that takes away the pain caused by those withdrawal symptoms, and as it happens to drug abusers, at one point it does not feel good anymore to take the drug, but you do it anyhow, because being without the drug would be even worse... Human mind is a pretty complicated thing.

If you are interested in these things, take a look at the websites cheating-infidelity.com, there you will find more information about these matters and how to cope with a narcissistic person.

I will get back soon with updates...

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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