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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I feel like my mind is in a roller-coaster... Narcissist has now been away for couple days, and as I said, I have actually felt good being on my own.. I have kind of enjoyed this freedom, silence and peace :) I have also been thinking about this situation... I feel that no matter what I decide, I will end up facing pain... if I stay, its continuous pain for years to come (if something does not dramatically change in this relationship) and if I go, its pain for a certain period of time, but transient pain... so, decision should be clear... and yet I let myself to dream a bit more, hope that somehow a miracle would happen... but nowadays I dont let myself anymore stay in that dream world for too long. I drag myself back to real world pretty soon, and I know I must at some point leave narcissist anyhow... so why to prolong something that is inevitable.. I dont know, but thats what I seem to be doing... human mind is a mystery.
I have been thinking about all sorts of things during last couple of days, doing a bit of self-analyzing... and I feel that perhaps I can now understand the reasons which have kept me in this relationship. I will tell about them a bit later, now I must go. Narcissist will be back after few days, I hope I have been able to finish my thought processes by then, and that it would be clear to me what I should do next... I know I should be strong enough to tell narcissist that I wish we finish this relationship... and I wish I can be strong enough not to try to ask narcissist to try to make it work one more time, if narcissist tells he wants to finish relationship as well...
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Can a narcissist feel love?
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
Why is it so difficult to end relationship with a narcissist?
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
Narcissist has now left town again for 1-2 weeks. I feel actually very relieved... I feel like a child who is left home alone for couple days while parents go for holiday. Whole house just for me, no fear of shouting, no criticism, no arguments.... what a freedom!! Its of courtse sad that I feel like this, it just shows that this relationship no longer brings me any positive feeling... my wish for new year is that I will ahve enough strength to leave and when I do, not to look back. This I wish from all my heart.
I have been doing much thinking and will do some more now when narcissist is away. I have tried hard to change my "fixed" thought patterns... because that is the source of all problems, in a way my own brain is keeping me a prisoner: I have had this illusion of love, and I have so much wanted to hold on to it, almost at ANY cost... It takes a long time to change the way one thinks, but it can be done.
Another promise for this year is, that I concentrate to myself more, i will try to get to know myself better and find out what my wishes and dreams truly are (I know this kind of life is not what I wished for). And then I will try to pursue the life that I truly want. Life goes fast, another year went by so unexpectedly... I dont want to be sorry after tens of years, thinking that I "wasted" my life with narcissistic and mentally abusive man who might in the end leave me without any remorse, if he finds another "narcissistic supply", once I have "dried out"... There have already been signs which imply that narcissist has started to look for another woman, who would provide unconditional admiration and new excitement to him... I feel narcissist is little by little starting to feel bored in this relationship, since things are starting to be "routine". The excitement of the beginning of the relationship is gone.. and I think that was what kept narcissist "ticking"...
I dont want to be depressed, stressed and anxious for years to come because of the problems in (perhaps hopeless) relationship... So, I wish I will soon find a strength to leave!! I am feeling more hopeful now than for a long time... Dont know why, perhaps its effect of a new year... I try to start this new year with hopeful, curious and expecting feeling, hoping life will for change bring more pleasant surprises to my way..! :)
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
Narcissist has now left town again for 1-2 weeks. I feel actually very relieved... I feel like a child who is left home alone for couple days while parents go for holiday. Whole house just for me, no fear of shouting, no criticism, no arguments.... what a freedom!! Its of courtse sad that I feel like this, it just shows that this relationship no longer brings me any positive feeling... my wish for new year is that I will ahve enough strength to leave and when I do, not to look back. This I wish from all my heart.
I have been doing much thinking and will do some more now when narcissist is away. I have tried hard to change my "fixed" thought patterns... because that is the source of all problems, in a way my own brain is keeping me a prisoner: I have had this illusion of love, and I have so much wanted to hold on to it, almost at ANY cost... It takes a long time to change the way one thinks, but it can be done.
Another promise for this year is, that I concentrate to myself more, i will try to get to know myself better and find out what my wishes and dreams truly are (I know this kind of life is not what I wished for). And then I will try to pursue the life that I truly want. Life goes fast, another year went by so unexpectedly... I dont want to be sorry after tens of years, thinking that I "wasted" my life with narcissistic and mentally abusive man who might in the end leave me without any remorse, if he finds another "narcissistic supply", once I have "dried out"... There have already been signs which imply that narcissist has started to look for another woman, who would provide unconditional admiration and new excitement to him... I feel narcissist is little by little starting to feel bored in this relationship, since things are starting to be "routine". The excitement of the beginning of the relationship is gone.. and I think that was what kept narcissist "ticking"...
I dont want to be depressed, stressed and anxious for years to come because of the problems in (perhaps hopeless) relationship... So, I wish I will soon find a strength to leave!! I am feeling more hopeful now than for a long time... Dont know why, perhaps its effect of a new year... I try to start this new year with hopeful, curious and expecting feeling, hoping life will for change bring more pleasant surprises to my way..! :)
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
______________________________
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
New Year = new beginning without narcissist?
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
Thank you so much for your message, Almost There! I was really down when I wrote that previous entry... now I am feeling a bit better. You said some very good things in your message. I will try to be strong enough to rearrange my life... Now I must leave, but I will get back soon. Hugs to you all, who are reading this!
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
Thank you so much for your message, Almost There! I was really down when I wrote that previous entry... now I am feeling a bit better. You said some very good things in your message. I will try to be strong enough to rearrange my life... Now I must leave, but I will get back soon. Hugs to you all, who are reading this!
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Horrible argument again with narcissist spouse..
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
OK, hello again all of you who are following this miserable blog of mine... I feel so happy that there are some people, who I feel genuinely care for what is going on with me, like for example Almost There... I dont know if you are reading this, Almost there, but I am so happy about all your comments... I feel so lonely right now... Its such a nice feeling to know that there is someone out there who is really caring of what is going on with me... I dont know your story, Almost There, but I feel that you understand what I am going through... If there was a way for us to communicate privately, I would be so happy.. I wish you are still out there reading this blog, even tho I have not heard of you for some time.
I feel i am all alone in this situation, I feel so lost... I feel so bad at this moment.. narcissist is here again, in town. For couple days things went ok, but then it was all hell again... I feel my work (professional work) is going to fail, everything in my life is going to fail, I feel so alone and lost...
Ok, I tell you all what has happened. Narcissist came back, and for couple of days things went ok. But then, again, a horrible argument, after which narcissist told me to get the hell out of this apartment that we share... I feel that this time I dont want to fight back, I feel I am so tired of fighting... I just want to live a happy life, if it ever would be possible for me, I dont know.. I told narcissist in as many words I could that I love him SO MUCH and I dont want to leave him, I want to make it work, but I got no positive response from narcissist, as if he is enjoying to see me suffer like this.... now narcissist has said he will leave for good, but I dont know if he really means it.. this has happened so may times before. Why I am so weak to break free???!!!! Why cant I just simply leave??? Why am I staying in this miserable relationship???? I feel so lost, so without direction...
Ok, I promised to tell you what was the outcome of my strategy (see previous entries). Narcissist actually seemed to change... he actually even apologized to me about his horrible behavior towards me, which has never happened before... so I started to wish that things could be better again.. stupid me!! Next day, after this positive behavior of narcissist, it was just the same as before... Narcissist got angry, shouted to me again, saying all those horrible things, and told me to get the hell out of this apartment... So, it does not work, that strategy of mine.. I feel so stupid, so silly... why did I even wish for improvement... oh God, I cannot even start to describe to you how horrible I feel right now... Narcissist says he has told all his friends how "horrible" person I am, but he has told the story as it is convenient for him, he has not revealed all the details which would actually make narcissist look very bad... Narcissist is telling the story from his point of view, making me look like a horrible, demanding woman... Narcissist is leaving out important facts, and story is not complete... I guess that is typical for a person like him.. Narcissist wants to always be seen in good light by others.
I have such anger in me right now, and such sadness... Narcissist says he has told all his friends how horrible person I am. I am really thinking of sending an email to all of those friends, to tell them how things really are... I dont care if they believe me or not, I just want to make narcissist face a bit of responsibility... but still I am hesitating, I dont know if I should do that or not... but I am SO tempted to that... what do you think? Should I sent the email to the friends and relatives of narcissist, in which I am (very politely, not mocking!) telling the reasons for the ending of relationship? I can send that email here first, to get your comments.. Or perhaps I should send those people a link to this blog, so they can read from here what I have been going through..
I think the only thing that would make narcissist feel really bad is if his abusive, horrible nature would be revealed. I remember reading from somewhere that is the worst fear of a narcissist, that his "cover" will drop and people see him in bad light... Of course if those people see this blog, it makes me look like the most stupid person in world, why the hell have I not walked away from this relationship million years ago? But I dont care about that, I just want narcissist to face a bit of responsibility... But I dont know if that would be a good idea... what do you think?
what should I do? I feel so lost... like dying...
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
OK, hello again all of you who are following this miserable blog of mine... I feel so happy that there are some people, who I feel genuinely care for what is going on with me, like for example Almost There... I dont know if you are reading this, Almost there, but I am so happy about all your comments... I feel so lonely right now... Its such a nice feeling to know that there is someone out there who is really caring of what is going on with me... I dont know your story, Almost There, but I feel that you understand what I am going through... If there was a way for us to communicate privately, I would be so happy.. I wish you are still out there reading this blog, even tho I have not heard of you for some time.
I feel i am all alone in this situation, I feel so lost... I feel so bad at this moment.. narcissist is here again, in town. For couple days things went ok, but then it was all hell again... I feel my work (professional work) is going to fail, everything in my life is going to fail, I feel so alone and lost...
Ok, I tell you all what has happened. Narcissist came back, and for couple of days things went ok. But then, again, a horrible argument, after which narcissist told me to get the hell out of this apartment that we share... I feel that this time I dont want to fight back, I feel I am so tired of fighting... I just want to live a happy life, if it ever would be possible for me, I dont know.. I told narcissist in as many words I could that I love him SO MUCH and I dont want to leave him, I want to make it work, but I got no positive response from narcissist, as if he is enjoying to see me suffer like this.... now narcissist has said he will leave for good, but I dont know if he really means it.. this has happened so may times before. Why I am so weak to break free???!!!! Why cant I just simply leave??? Why am I staying in this miserable relationship???? I feel so lost, so without direction...
Ok, I promised to tell you what was the outcome of my strategy (see previous entries). Narcissist actually seemed to change... he actually even apologized to me about his horrible behavior towards me, which has never happened before... so I started to wish that things could be better again.. stupid me!! Next day, after this positive behavior of narcissist, it was just the same as before... Narcissist got angry, shouted to me again, saying all those horrible things, and told me to get the hell out of this apartment... So, it does not work, that strategy of mine.. I feel so stupid, so silly... why did I even wish for improvement... oh God, I cannot even start to describe to you how horrible I feel right now... Narcissist says he has told all his friends how "horrible" person I am, but he has told the story as it is convenient for him, he has not revealed all the details which would actually make narcissist look very bad... Narcissist is telling the story from his point of view, making me look like a horrible, demanding woman... Narcissist is leaving out important facts, and story is not complete... I guess that is typical for a person like him.. Narcissist wants to always be seen in good light by others.
I have such anger in me right now, and such sadness... Narcissist says he has told all his friends how horrible person I am. I am really thinking of sending an email to all of those friends, to tell them how things really are... I dont care if they believe me or not, I just want to make narcissist face a bit of responsibility... but still I am hesitating, I dont know if I should do that or not... but I am SO tempted to that... what do you think? Should I sent the email to the friends and relatives of narcissist, in which I am (very politely, not mocking!) telling the reasons for the ending of relationship? I can send that email here first, to get your comments.. Or perhaps I should send those people a link to this blog, so they can read from here what I have been going through..
I think the only thing that would make narcissist feel really bad is if his abusive, horrible nature would be revealed. I remember reading from somewhere that is the worst fear of a narcissist, that his "cover" will drop and people see him in bad light... Of course if those people see this blog, it makes me look like the most stupid person in world, why the hell have I not walked away from this relationship million years ago? But I dont care about that, I just want narcissist to face a bit of responsibility... But I dont know if that would be a good idea... what do you think?
what should I do? I feel so lost... like dying...
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
______________________________
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