I was talking this weekend to a friend of mine, who had some interesting new insights regarding difficult relationships, insecurity, jealousy etc. He said (this friend of mine), that in some sense a key to happiness is "letting go" of things, not to hold on to things too much. I started to think about this more, and realized that it is actually true! I have been having EXTREMELY DIFFICULT time accepting certain things which my narcissistic spouse has been doing with other women... The thought of my spouse being together romantically with another woman has been very painful to me... it makes me feel physically sick in my stomach. My narcissistic spouse claims that he has not really gotten physical with another woman, but just holding hands, light kissing etc. But I think those things are bad enough, I would not go on holding hands or kissing with another person, if I am in a relationship... but I know there are many people in this world who think differently, who dont think those things are such a big deal... but since I think they are, I have felt that my spouse has to think the same way, otherwise things cannot work...
Anyways, back to the main point. So, I was digging into my "deepest feelings" and tried to discover what was the "source", the true reason for my unhappy feeling, whenever I was thinking of my narcisistic spouse with some other woman, doing something romantic... And I realized that the "bottom" reason was that I felt as if something was "taken away" from me, something which I had thought was mine: the love of my spouse towards me.
The very thing that make us fall in love with someone is (amongst other things) the fact that we are aware that person loves us back. During the first months of our relationship, I was literally in heaven: I felt my spouse loved me and that made me love him even more. Now during last year, all sorts of things have happened... My narcissistic spouse has been getting romantic with other women, he even slept in same bed with a woman, who he has previously been involved with. I think that is incredibly insulting behavior towards me... I could never do that to person I love.
All these his actions have made me feel that his feelings towards me are not as strong as my feelings towards him. And that hurts, because I believed I had something (his love), and I now realize I dont have that thing anymore (perhaps never did). And it is that feeling of losing something that is causing the pain... However, my spouse has not said to me that he has no feelings towards me, he says he cares for me very much, despite our problems. But his actions speak often something else... So, I am getting contradicting messages, and get very confused :(
But yesterday I realized that if I "let go" of my expectations, I will not be so hurt by these things. I know some of you might think this is rather foolish approach. But if you are experiencing strong pain and heartache in your relationship, you do anything to make that feeling go away. Thinking like this helps me to get rid of my pain. Of course it might (and probably will) eventually take away my feeling of "love" towards my spouse... But I think he has already proven with his actions, that he is not the kind of person I thought he is, and therefore its not good for me to love him too "purely", since he is not loving me back that way.
The best option for me is to love my narcissistic spouse back the same way he loves me, not with too much emotion and feeling, but somehow more "practical" way. I no longer expect anything from him, so I dont get disappointed... I dont know if I can really live like that, but at list I can try..
I believe my narcissistic spouse is emotionally very cold person, who just cannot put himself into position of another person. He either does not realize how much his behavior, shouting etc can hurt other person, or then he does realize it but simply does not care, or then (the worst option) he is enjoying seeing other person get hurt... Whatever the truth is, I dont want to love that kind of a person "blindly", from all my heart without any reservations, because it will only bring pain for me. So, the only option is to little by little let go of my pure love and to learn to think of my narcissistic spouse the same way he seems to think of me. Why should I waste my emotions on person who is not loving me with all his heart? And little by little I hope this approach will help me to let go of my painful memories of insulting things narcissist has done to me in past. If someone who you love is doing bad things for you, it hurts, but if you dont love the person who is doing them for you, you just dont care so much... if someone who is neutral to you is treating you badly, you just go away from that person, but if you are in love, its so much more difficult to leave...
Its such a pity that my spouse cannot see that he is driving me away from him with his own actions. I wish things did not have to go like this... I wish he could love me as much as I (have) loved him. But it looks like he cannot do it. Perhaps he simply does not know how to love anyone....
Well, this ended up being rather pessimistic message, even tho I meant it to be a bit more optimistic... I guess it is a reflection of my true feelings... sad but true, it seems I no longer truly believe we have a change to stay together... well, time will tell how things go.
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.____________________________
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