Bad argument with narcissistic spouse

Well, we had horrible argument last night, again. Or I should say narcissist was fighting, since I never shout back and call him names etc, which my spouse ALWAYS does. Again argument started over nothing at all, at list from my point of view. A simple innocent question/comment can evoke such anger in narcissist, he is looking for hidden meanings between the lines, and seems to take everything I say in such a way that I am trying to "control" him, to tell him what he should say and do etc... incredible. I just cannot understand how narcissist can turn things around like that in his mind...

I have started to realize that my spouse has lots of personality traits in him which are typical for a narcissist. For example, he completely lacks empathy, pity and compassion towards others. My spouse cannot put himself into other persons position and therefore he cannot know how much his behavior and bad words can hurt another person. So I guess in a way it is not "his fault" that he is being so horrible time to time, perhaps my spouse just cannot understand how bad his narcissistic behavior makes other person feel...

But here is the question: Does that make it somehow more "acceptable" for my spouse to behave like that, even if the "diagnosis" was that my spouse is a narcissist? If I was blind and someone would tell me that whenever I move my right arm in a certain way, I am almost hitting other people around me, I would avoid doing that particular movement, even tho I would have no idea what is going on around me. I would think that a reasonable person would understand if someone says clearly "I feel very bad when you do that", and if you care about the person who says that to you, you try not to do those things too often, right?

So, even if you lack empathy as narcissist often do, if you are being told that something you do has a certain (bad) effect, if you dont even try to change your behavior, you are... sorry to say, either ignorant or simply stupid! Stupidity is hardly the case here, so I am afraid to say that my spouse most likely is simply ignorant as narcissist are... and here is another question: is there always a a tiny (or bigger) amount of evil character involved if person is ignorant in situations, where he knows his behavior makes people around him to feel bad.. what do you think? Could it be possible that someone is not truly a bad person, even if he is shouting and being ignorant to other persons feelings? Until now I have thought that my spouse is deep inside a good-hearted man, because he is very helpful and loyal to his friends, and that he just has a very short temper and some personal traits of a narcissist, but now I am starting to wonder if I have been very wrong... what do you think?

Anyway, back to the story. After my spouse got upset last night, he just could not stop complaining to me, he kept on talking about the matter even tho I told him I want to stop the conversation since it was so horribly unpleasant for me to listen to his shouting and insulting comments. That was when narcissist went to this mental stage called narcissistic rage, where he was just shouting like crazy.

My narcissistic spouse is usually accusing me of not being able to let go of one topic until I "make other person sick", but it seems to be him who has problems letting go of things. The reason why narcissist is accusing me of "not being able to let go of things" is because in the beginning of our relationship, when he lost his temper and started to shout at me, I was shocked and just could not understand what triggered his anger, and so I always tried to make my spouse to understand that my purpose was not what he thought, that I did not mean to criticize or complain or whatever it is he was accusing me of doing. Usually my narcissistic spouse just could not understand what I was saying correctly, and I felt I did not want to let him go on believing I had meant something else than I really meant, I wanted my spouse to realize that I did not really think the way he thought I did. Nowadays I no longer bother to explain so much why I said something, if narcissist has gotten something into his head it is pointless to try to get him to change his mind, unfortunately.

Anyway, my spouse told me I should leave him, that he did not feel good in this relationship, etc. I of course felt very bad about this, and tried to make my spouse see that he got upset over nothing at all. But then at some point I just gave up, I no longer wanted to talk, since narcissist just kept on insulting me and went on with his narcissistic rage mode... and I went away, to sleep in another room. Then in the morning I tried to be very nice to my spouse, but he was still angry and in bad mood. It is so mentally consuming to live in a mental roller coaster like this, one day narcissist wants to break up, another day he says he loves me and is happy... its mentally very demanding to live with narcissist person, I dont know how much longer I can stand this.

Why then have I stayed even tho I know his narcissistic personality and I know a narcissist rarely can change? I find it harder and harder to answer that question.. I have said to myself that I am staying because I love my spouse and in a way I have thought of his narcissism as a disease, and I have not wanted to leave my spouse because he has some sort of disorder... but I am no longer sure if this is even "pure love" or some sort of "addiction" to feeling of being with this person... I think it has turned into addiction, and when I think about leaving and living without my spouse, I feel withdrawal symptoms... and that makes me stay.

The presence of a narcissist is like a drug, that takes away the pain caused by those withdrawal symptoms, and as it happens to drug abusers, at one point it does not feel good anymore to take the drug, but you do it anyhow, because being without the drug would be even worse... Human mind is a pretty complicated thing.

If you are interested in these things, take a look at the websites cheating-infidelity.com, there you will find more information about these matters and how to cope with a narcissistic person.

I will get back soon with updates...

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