Narcissistic spouse and cheating

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Many, may things have happened again... perhaps the saddest is the realization that my narcissistic spouse truly is the kind of person, who is "throwing his nets" to many directions in the same time, even tho he is in serious relationship with me (or so he claims). It feels so horribly bad to realize that the person who you love is saying sweet, loving things to another women. My narcissistic spouse is such a person, that he is bending the rules in relationship the way it best fits him. Narcissist has said he thinks its ok for him to get emotional with another women, as long as there is no sex. I dont know if the problem is in communication between us, that narcissist speaks about certain things using different words that me. I dont know if narcissist really means that its ok to have emotional relationship with someone else... but he certainly says things in such a way that it sounds like that :(

I feel so sad at this moment. I feel that only thing I wanted was to be happy with this man, because I really, truly, loved him so very much... but I have been fooling myself, brainwashing myself to believe that he loves me. His behavior towards me is not loving and caring. Why, then, am I still with him? Why have I not left? I have been trapped by my strong feelings towards my narcissistic spouse. I have not been able to think clearly. There are moments when I feel that "I stop worrying about him possibly being unfaithful, I give him the benefit of doubt, I worry about it if it happens..." etc you know those mental exercises, that people do, when they try to deal with difficult situation, to survive it without becoming a mental wreck... but that is not true happiness. I have not felt truly happy with him for a long, long time. There are always shadows in the sky of this relationship, memories of his misbehaving towards me, which I just cannot forget. But I dont seem to be able to let go... why?!

Now narcissist is getting very emotional with a woman from his past, who he used to love very much, long time ago. I feel hopeless. I feel there is nothing I can do to change that man, so of course I should leave... of course narcissist is saying that he will not do anything with her, not try to pursue relationship or anything, as long as he is with me... yeah, right, really sensitive talk, "as long as he is with me". I know my narcissistic spouse pretty well by now, I think I now how his mind works. Narcissist is not saying anything definite like "I will not get involved with this woman", so that if something happens, narcissist might then simply break up with me and he can then say "this is how things sometimes go in life, even if people dont mean for it to happen, I never promised you not to get involved with this woman, I only said I will not get romantically involved and have sex with another woman when I am with you". And narcissist walks away feeling good about himself, feeling he did the right thing, feeling honorable and respectful person, because narcissist was not lying to anybody.

I have read much about narcissism during last months, also experiences of people who have been living with one from various forums... and I feel so horrible to realize that this man truly seems to be one. Of course I have had that thought before, but whenever I think about it, it feels so crushing. But everything fits. He is constantly looking for emotional excitement, thats why he gets so emotionally involved, if a new female friend enters his life. Its like a fuel for him, fuel thrown on fire. To his partner, this is causing endless suffering... so why, why have I not left? I feel that no matter which way I choose, to stay or to go, there will be misery waiting for me. I guess thats why I have stayed... hoping for a miracle. But now I must face the facts. If narcissist will get emotionally involved to this woman, starts to talk romantic things to her etc, I must leave. If I stay, I will lose even the last traces of my self-respect. If that happens, I will just do it without thinking, just break free, face all the suffering, all the loneliness, and just wait for it to past... I dont know how long it takes, but I wish sun will shine on me one day. But for now, I am still waiting... to see what will happen between them. To see how long narcissist can go. If I see that he truly is that kind of double-faced cheater and goes all the way with her, then perhaps its easier for me to leave, without so much pain, knowing that there was never any realistic change for this relationship...

As I said, narcissist has already spoken to this woman about his past feelings of love towards her in a very romantic way. The way narcissist has talked, he has in my opinion thrown the ball to her. Now narcissist is waiting how she will respond. Narcissist has told me about this interaction, he has been very open, saying he simply wanted to clarify some misunderstandings from their past, which may have led to them not being together back then.

Narcissist never even had a real relationship to this woman, but he claims he was madly in love with her and for a long time he has been wondering about certain things, which were left unsolved back then. Narcissist says this is the reason why he wanted to get in contact with her, to get answers to those questions. I find this all very sad, and not very "nice" behavior towards me. I would not handle thins kind of thing the way narcissist is handling it. And as I said, his communication with her is of that kind that leaves room for more things, if she only goes along with it...

Narcissist has said to me himself that there is a possibility that they might feel again for each other, as there is a possibility that asteroid hits earth... this is the way narcissist talks, he is giving possibilities to things, saying that they are so very unlikely, but if it then happens, narcissist cannot be blamed... I feel its horrible that he is talking about her like that to me, when he knows very well how much I care for him and how much it must hurt me to hear this sort of things...I feel so bad about all these things... But there is nothing I can do... I feel trapped, and very depressed right now... I dont really know what to do... :( :(

Thank you so much for your supportive comments, Almost there!!!!! It feels good to know you are out there :)

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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