Ok, yesterday my relationship to my narcissistic spouse finally ended. Or perhaps I should say today, because I decided today that I must finish this after our horrible argument yesterday. The argument, as usual, started over something extremely small, insignificant matter, of which my narcissistic spouse got upset. I said some trivial, everyday matter, but narcissist interpreted it (as usual) in a wrong way.
He went to narcissistic rage mode again, got extremely upset and started to shout to me. At one point in the middle of shouting he hit me. Narcissist had been shouting to me many, many times before during our relationship, but before this he had never hit me. I felt horrible, completely crushed. But still, even after this, I tried to calm narcissist down, explain that I did not mean to make him upset, that I loved him, etc.
But as usual, words did not mean anything to my spouse as it seems to be the case with a narcissist. My spouse is completely emotionless person, totally lacking all empathy and compassion towards others. If I cry, my tears only aggravate his anger and narcissistic rage. My spouse has always been like this, it is in his personality and I dont believe he can chage. So, finally, I decided today that it is time for me to face the facts, no matter how much they hurt, and accept that narcissist is not going to change, ever, and therefore I must leave him. And this is when the hard part begins. Bittersweet recovery from mentally consuming relationship with a narcissist.
I feel totally empty (hitting happened yesterday) and somehow still wishing things could turn out the best and we could stay together. But in the same time I realize that I can never forget the insults of my narcissistic spouse and his mad anger towards me, he has been calling me with horrible names and shouting to me countless of times. So I must just be strong and face the long darkness ahead before hopefully sun again shines one day... I want to like my life without the shadow of narcissistic spouse looming over me and draining me from all my energy.
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Before you make the decision to leave your husband - please read this. I recently separated for the 5th time from my narcissistic husband after years of abuse, lack of empathy & responsibility and now finding out he had lied and deceived me for years with a whole other life and plenty of affairs. My world has fallen apart and we have 3 children together. Naturally I am a mess emotionally but had no choice but to leave the marriage after 17 years - apparently my husband loves me but is not in love with me and wants to find true happiness before he dies. I still love my husband very much despite everything he has done. The pain is unbearable and if you have been living with a narrissistic spouse it will be hard to make the break completely - be prepared for plenty of tears and heartache. The only thing that has kept me going is my faith in God who has provided me with the strength, comfort and opportunities to break free. I am not giving up on my spouse - I have just handed him over to God - that is the only way he will ever be able to change. Pray is your answer - God is your answer. Trust and believe in the grace and love of God to help you through. He will be there for you - just ask him. All the best.
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