______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
I have been reading today lot about verbal and mental abuse, narcissism etc... and it has really helped me to realize finally without any doubts that the fault has not been mine in our arguments, that my spouse fits so well to all those categories of mental abusers... reading those definitions (like in that article I attached to previous entry) made me sometimes even laugh, even tho its so tragic, because it was as if someone had been able to see into our home when there have been having arguments and was able to describe exactly (almost from word to word!) what narcissist has said when he is in that "mad narcissistic rage" mode, and how narcissist reacts if/when I try to defend myself, etc...
It was amazing and even a bit scary to realize that there are so many more people out there, who are behaving as my narcissistic spouse... that the behavior of narcissist is not random, but that it can be explained and described to detail by experts... so, to me it seems like the behavior of my narcissistic spouse can be thought of as a kind of a disorder, because there are so clear and accurate definitions for his twisted behavior out there. And this makes things a bit easier for me, since I can now think that it was not my fault that things went how they went, that I really tried my best, and it didnt work out because narcissist had his problems, it was not completely because of me (as narcissist has been saying).
By the way, I want to say one thing. This is something I will never forget, nor forgive my narcissistic spouse. This shows the cruel nature of narcissist so clearly. I told narcissist something that is very private, and also very painful for me. When I was very young, my first relationship was unfortunately such that the other person turned out in the end to be violent. I was so young, and so shocked about the situation, that I somehow stayed in that relationship for longer time than I should have, because that man was very apologizing and loving after being violent, and I was so very young, I had no experience of relationships of any kind, and also I was so much in love with him (he was my first love), that I stayed...
But then I pretty soon realized that it was not a healthy relationship anymore, not with the way he was, and I left, and have never regret it. After that, I had a long relationship with a wonderful man, we never ever had arguments, nothing to speak of... we lived together and things were great. That showed me that there can be relationships like that too...:) But then at some point we realized that we had become more friends than lovers and decided in full mutual understanding to go our separate ways. There was no drama in it and we stayed as good friends. After that I had another very good relationship with a wonderful man, no fighting or shouting ever, nothing like that. But then we separated because our life situations were such that we could not spend enough time together. We both thought that was for the best at that time. I had no bad feelings about the separation, also with him we stayed as very good friends.
The reason why I started to tell this story was this: at some point I told my narcissistic spouse about that first bad relationship I had when I was very young. I told narcissist that there was violence involved from that ex-boyfriends side. And the reaction of my narcissistic spouse was this: he said that perhaps it was my fault that this first boyfriend was hitting me, perhaps I was so annoying and irritating to him, that he just could not stand it.... I felt crushed to hear this kind of comment from my spouse, because I had thought he would be supportive of me, or something like that, anything but what he turned out to be...
Narcissist showed no sympathy, no warmth, he was very cold, analytical, and the way narcissist was analyzing the situation was like this: it was probably somehow my fault that things went like that with that first man. My narcissistic spouse said "I cannot believe that he was hitting you without any reason at all. You must have done something. No one hits other people without reason". I thought this was simply... crazy comment from my narcissistic spouse. As if narcissist was defending that guy, taking his side, and not mine, even tho I was his girlfriend... I could not believe that. And to say that no one hits without reason, and to make it sound as if those people who are being hit somehow are to blame, because they have been so irritating or something.. I could not believe my spouse was talking like that.
In my opinion there is NEVER any justification to hit another person. My first man had been violent also towards his other women, not only me, so I later learned. Just as my narcissistic spouse has been misbehaving towards his previous partners... so, people dont seem to change. And the fact that I have had very good relationships too in my life tells me that it cannot be all my fault as narcissist says, that I would be somehow horrible person... somehow I just ended up being together with two people, who have problems of their own (I mean that first boyfriend and now my narcissistic spouse), which are preventing them from having "normal" relationships. I refuse to believe that this is my fault that things have come to this point. I dont even like arguing, I am not good at it, I dont know how to shout and to insult another person, I cannot do it, I am always just trying to defend myself, and build peace, when narcissist goes to frenzy and narcissistic rage...
But as a conclusion: I found it to be simply horrible, inhuman comment from my spouse, when he was saying "you must have done something to him to make him hit you, no one hits without reason. You must have irritated him so much that he just could not stand it no longer. Knowing you, you are capable of doing that". Yep, thats what narcissist said... I said to narcissist that none of my other boyfriends never had any problems like that with me, only that first one (and now my narcissistic spouse of course...all these problems with him). But this was like talking to deaf ears. Narcissist already had made up his mind that it was somehow my own doing that my first boyfriend was physically abusive...
I just cannot understand how the mind of my narcissist spouse works :( I cannot understand how he can say something like that to me. Cant he understand how deep wounds physical abuse has left in person, and how bad it makes me feel if he says it was somehow "my own doing that it happened"? This makes me feel he has no empathy at all in him... literally not at all. But then again what else can I expect from a narcissist. Thats so sad... I wish I could at list understand if there is some kind of sick logic under his cold comments. What is narcissist thinking of gaining by saying that, if anything?
All these things have really helped me to make my decision to leave my narcissistic spouse. Now its all about issues of practical matters. I must think carefully how I am going to handle this, so that I can arrange my life in such a way that narcissist cannot give me any trouble, if he gets mad when I leave. Leaving cannot happen over night, that I know. I must do some thinking about what to do.. Its so sad that things have come to this point, but I feel there is nothing else I can do :(
Ps. I would be so happy to hear your comments about this what I told here, about narcissist telling me it was somehow my own fault that my first boyfriend was physically abusive towards me... I just cannot understand how anybody can say that, and why... what could he possibly have been thinking? Any ideas? :( Is this kind of behavior typical for a narcissist?
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Article of Verbal Abuse
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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
This day has again been a bit more difficult, but I am still feeling relatively ok :) I am trying to block unwanted thoughts and to prepare myself for separation, in a way "train" myself to let go of him mentally. Its not easy, but I have made some pretty good progress... I will get back soon, this was just a short note to let you know I am doing more or less ok :)
I found today this very good article of verbal abuse:
Verbal Abuse
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
This day has again been a bit more difficult, but I am still feeling relatively ok :) I am trying to block unwanted thoughts and to prepare myself for separation, in a way "train" myself to let go of him mentally. Its not easy, but I have made some pretty good progress... I will get back soon, this was just a short note to let you know I am doing more or less ok :)
I found today this very good article of verbal abuse:
Verbal Abuse
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Why am I afraid to end relationship with a narcissist
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
Another day has gone by, and i am still feeling great... this is amazing! I have tried to follow simple tips, which may sound silly, but which truly seem to work:
I have met with friends every day durig last 4 days. At first it was very difficult for me, I had no desire to go out to meet anybody, even a thought of it took away all my energy... but I forced myself to go. I also forced myself to go out for a walk every single day. And after doing this for couple days, I started to feel my mind was slowly cheering up... Even tho at first I was reluctant to meet people and spend time with them, since I felt that these problems related to my relationship with my narcissistic spouse were only things in my mind, after doing that I noticed that it truly has strangely relaxing effect on me :) I have forced myself to smile and chat about happy matters for several hours every day, and slowly I notice that my brain is starting to think again in more positive way, all on its own :)
And those positive thoughts bring with them a realization that my narcissistic spouse has bad influence on me, since his presence is preventing me from feeling this good... I know this sounds simple even to the point of being "silly", but sometimes the biggest realizations in life are the most simplest ones, and usually they have been there right in front of you all along, you just have not seen them :) Thats the way I feel now, as if my eyes have been opened :)
Sometimes the most effective way is simply to empty the mind and follow the instructions given from outside, as a "robot"... I really had to force myself to do those things, but I have now seen that it truly is worth the trouble... In a way I "forced" my physiology and brain to work in certain way, I gave the initial "push", and then my body and mind took over, and it became a self-sustained positive feed-back cycle... but the initial "push" had to come from me, I had to force myself to take first couple steps down that path. I never would have believed I can feel this good again... I can finally see a light of hope in horizon :)
Today I was again talking to narcissist on phone, and same feeling was there: as if I was a prisoner, who has finally been released :) I felt no "love", no attachment, no anger, I felt very neutral and indifferent about narcissist. I so much wish that this state of mind persists..
I dont know how it will be when narcissit will return after a little while, but I hope I am able to keep this line of thought. It really helps to "reprogram" the brain to think in a new, more constructive way (take a look at that link I attached above to see what I mean. I hope it will help you if you are in similar situation!). I will get back to you soon :)
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
Another day has gone by, and i am still feeling great... this is amazing! I have tried to follow simple tips, which may sound silly, but which truly seem to work:
I have met with friends every day durig last 4 days. At first it was very difficult for me, I had no desire to go out to meet anybody, even a thought of it took away all my energy... but I forced myself to go. I also forced myself to go out for a walk every single day. And after doing this for couple days, I started to feel my mind was slowly cheering up... Even tho at first I was reluctant to meet people and spend time with them, since I felt that these problems related to my relationship with my narcissistic spouse were only things in my mind, after doing that I noticed that it truly has strangely relaxing effect on me :) I have forced myself to smile and chat about happy matters for several hours every day, and slowly I notice that my brain is starting to think again in more positive way, all on its own :)
And those positive thoughts bring with them a realization that my narcissistic spouse has bad influence on me, since his presence is preventing me from feeling this good... I know this sounds simple even to the point of being "silly", but sometimes the biggest realizations in life are the most simplest ones, and usually they have been there right in front of you all along, you just have not seen them :) Thats the way I feel now, as if my eyes have been opened :)
Sometimes the most effective way is simply to empty the mind and follow the instructions given from outside, as a "robot"... I really had to force myself to do those things, but I have now seen that it truly is worth the trouble... In a way I "forced" my physiology and brain to work in certain way, I gave the initial "push", and then my body and mind took over, and it became a self-sustained positive feed-back cycle... but the initial "push" had to come from me, I had to force myself to take first couple steps down that path. I never would have believed I can feel this good again... I can finally see a light of hope in horizon :)
Today I was again talking to narcissist on phone, and same feeling was there: as if I was a prisoner, who has finally been released :) I felt no "love", no attachment, no anger, I felt very neutral and indifferent about narcissist. I so much wish that this state of mind persists..
I dont know how it will be when narcissit will return after a little while, but I hope I am able to keep this line of thought. It really helps to "reprogram" the brain to think in a new, more constructive way (take a look at that link I attached above to see what I mean. I hope it will help you if you are in similar situation!). I will get back to you soon :)
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
______________________________
Monday, January 5, 2009
Change in my attitude towards my narcissistic spouse
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
HI again! Something amazing has happened... I dont know what is causing this, but I can definitely see a change in my thinking. I have went through mental hell during last several weeks/months, constant stress, unpleasant feeling, anxiety, feeling down and depressed... and today, for the first time, I feel again strong, as if I have stepped into light from dark room.
I have not felt stressed or anxious today at all, when I have been thinking about these matters. You see, until today I have always felt pretty anxious and stressed whenever a memory of the past behavior of my narcissistic spouse or memory of him getting romantic with some woman has popped into my mind, usually totally unexpectedly... During those moments, I have felt sick in stomach, felt disgusted by narcissist and his behavior, but in the same time I have felt fear of losing my narcissistic spouse... I have somehow been hanging in this relationship, even tho I have known how bad it is for me.
But now I have had a change to be on my own for couple days, and I have had time to think about everything. Today I was talking to narcissist over the phone, and I felt nothing. I mean nothing. I heard narcissist say all sorts of sweet things about loving me (despite the horrible arguments we had just a little while ago) etc. But this time I could somehow see narcissist with the eyes of an outsider and also hear him with the ears of an outsider... And he did not sound sincere. He sounded as a person, who is saying things which he knows he must say, but without any feeling. I realize now that I have just imagined that feeling which I have thought I hear in the words of my narcissistic spouse, because thats what I have been hoping to hear.
But now I feel my narcissistic spouse really has not cared for me as much as I have cared for him. When narcissist called me, his first words were "are you happy to hear my voice"? As if only thing that is important to narcissist is that I would be "crazy" about him. Narcissist also said "I dont believe I will ever find any woman who will love me as much as you. I want to be with you forever" etc. I have always been bothered by the fact that my narcissistic spouse is not so much saying that "he loves me" (even tho of course he is also saying that time to time), but he is very often saying things like "I am so happy that you love me so much, you love me like crazy" etc... I know, it sounds so weird, and it should have made my warning bells ring long time ago. Narcissist seems to get his kicks when he thinks someone (in this case me) "loves him like crazy" or admires him. That must be a reason why narcissist is so much flirting with other women, and wants to get close to them (claiming that its only friendship etc). It looks like narcissist desperately needs admiration from others. That is one of those traits in my spouse, what makes me believe he is a narcissist. Of course there are also other reasons, why I believe that (I have talked about those reasons elsewhere in this blog).
Anyways, the point is this: I feel I am now closer to that state of mind, where I can actually detach myself from my narcissistic spouse. I think one influencing factor has been the incident with that "long lost love" of my narcissistic spouse (I spoke about this earlier in this blog). It really hurt me to see that narcissist is able to get very romantic with another woman, even tho he is in a relationship with me. The interaction that narcissist has had with her has not been acceptable from my point of view. Narcissist has been using the kind of language with her, that is not proper for a man who is in a relationship. He has been "courting" her by saying very sweet things to her, calling her "my most precious one" etc (that was actually the part that hurt me THE MOST... to hear my spouse say those sweet things to another woman... I am sure any woman who is in love can imagine how horrible that feels like...). Narcissist has also been bragging to her about his achievements, and also telling how much he used to feel towards her and how happy he is that they are now reunited.. not to forget that narcissist told her we have problems in relationship and he does not know how long we will stay together...Yeah, right. Talk of a "devoted partner".
All this is simply such a huge piece of crap, that I cannot understand I have accepted all that... but of course narcissist does not know I know all the details about this matter. Narcissist has told me on his own some of these things, but some of it I have found out on my own. And it kind of adds to pain, to know that narcissist has been again lying and hiding some things. I guess it has simply taken a little time for these latest events finally to sink into my brain, but now I feel I have truly had enough... I dont want this anymore. I feel so good and relaxed being on my own, when narcissist is not around. Its amazing feeling. I so much hope it will last..!!
So, at this moment I feel there are no good things left in this relationship. Narcissist is often not friendly towards me (even tho at other times he can be very friendly, like today) and the memories of the unpleasant behavior of narcissist towards me cannot be forgotten. I somehow could perhaps accept that, as long as I could make myself believe that narcissist would at list be loyal to me, when it comes to other women... but now I have seen that even that is not true. Narcissist has betrayed me emotionally.
Did I already tell you that this "long lost love" of his actually turned narcissist down? So, it wasnt HIM who made decision not to get involved, but it was HER... this of course left me with very unpleasant feeling about the matter. I think if she would have given a positive sign, narcissist would have continued to pursue her romantically... and that is the part that has hurt me the most :( I have really, truly felt so down because of all these things... but now, for the first time, I feel better. I feel very neutral when thinking of narcissist. I feel as if I can see through him now, I know how he is, he cannot fool me no longer with his words. Thats why I feel today more hopeful than for a long time :) I wish this development will continue... I actually have done some concrete things to achieve this relaxed state of mind. They are pretty simple tricks but they seem to work... :) I will tell you about them later, so if you are in similar situation, they might help you too. But for now, hugs to you all, I get back soon!
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
____________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
HI again! Something amazing has happened... I dont know what is causing this, but I can definitely see a change in my thinking. I have went through mental hell during last several weeks/months, constant stress, unpleasant feeling, anxiety, feeling down and depressed... and today, for the first time, I feel again strong, as if I have stepped into light from dark room.
I have not felt stressed or anxious today at all, when I have been thinking about these matters. You see, until today I have always felt pretty anxious and stressed whenever a memory of the past behavior of my narcissistic spouse or memory of him getting romantic with some woman has popped into my mind, usually totally unexpectedly... During those moments, I have felt sick in stomach, felt disgusted by narcissist and his behavior, but in the same time I have felt fear of losing my narcissistic spouse... I have somehow been hanging in this relationship, even tho I have known how bad it is for me.
But now I have had a change to be on my own for couple days, and I have had time to think about everything. Today I was talking to narcissist over the phone, and I felt nothing. I mean nothing. I heard narcissist say all sorts of sweet things about loving me (despite the horrible arguments we had just a little while ago) etc. But this time I could somehow see narcissist with the eyes of an outsider and also hear him with the ears of an outsider... And he did not sound sincere. He sounded as a person, who is saying things which he knows he must say, but without any feeling. I realize now that I have just imagined that feeling which I have thought I hear in the words of my narcissistic spouse, because thats what I have been hoping to hear.
But now I feel my narcissistic spouse really has not cared for me as much as I have cared for him. When narcissist called me, his first words were "are you happy to hear my voice"? As if only thing that is important to narcissist is that I would be "crazy" about him. Narcissist also said "I dont believe I will ever find any woman who will love me as much as you. I want to be with you forever" etc. I have always been bothered by the fact that my narcissistic spouse is not so much saying that "he loves me" (even tho of course he is also saying that time to time), but he is very often saying things like "I am so happy that you love me so much, you love me like crazy" etc... I know, it sounds so weird, and it should have made my warning bells ring long time ago. Narcissist seems to get his kicks when he thinks someone (in this case me) "loves him like crazy" or admires him. That must be a reason why narcissist is so much flirting with other women, and wants to get close to them (claiming that its only friendship etc). It looks like narcissist desperately needs admiration from others. That is one of those traits in my spouse, what makes me believe he is a narcissist. Of course there are also other reasons, why I believe that (I have talked about those reasons elsewhere in this blog).
Anyways, the point is this: I feel I am now closer to that state of mind, where I can actually detach myself from my narcissistic spouse. I think one influencing factor has been the incident with that "long lost love" of my narcissistic spouse (I spoke about this earlier in this blog). It really hurt me to see that narcissist is able to get very romantic with another woman, even tho he is in a relationship with me. The interaction that narcissist has had with her has not been acceptable from my point of view. Narcissist has been using the kind of language with her, that is not proper for a man who is in a relationship. He has been "courting" her by saying very sweet things to her, calling her "my most precious one" etc (that was actually the part that hurt me THE MOST... to hear my spouse say those sweet things to another woman... I am sure any woman who is in love can imagine how horrible that feels like...). Narcissist has also been bragging to her about his achievements, and also telling how much he used to feel towards her and how happy he is that they are now reunited.. not to forget that narcissist told her we have problems in relationship and he does not know how long we will stay together...Yeah, right. Talk of a "devoted partner".
All this is simply such a huge piece of crap, that I cannot understand I have accepted all that... but of course narcissist does not know I know all the details about this matter. Narcissist has told me on his own some of these things, but some of it I have found out on my own. And it kind of adds to pain, to know that narcissist has been again lying and hiding some things. I guess it has simply taken a little time for these latest events finally to sink into my brain, but now I feel I have truly had enough... I dont want this anymore. I feel so good and relaxed being on my own, when narcissist is not around. Its amazing feeling. I so much hope it will last..!!
So, at this moment I feel there are no good things left in this relationship. Narcissist is often not friendly towards me (even tho at other times he can be very friendly, like today) and the memories of the unpleasant behavior of narcissist towards me cannot be forgotten. I somehow could perhaps accept that, as long as I could make myself believe that narcissist would at list be loyal to me, when it comes to other women... but now I have seen that even that is not true. Narcissist has betrayed me emotionally.
Did I already tell you that this "long lost love" of his actually turned narcissist down? So, it wasnt HIM who made decision not to get involved, but it was HER... this of course left me with very unpleasant feeling about the matter. I think if she would have given a positive sign, narcissist would have continued to pursue her romantically... and that is the part that has hurt me the most :( I have really, truly felt so down because of all these things... but now, for the first time, I feel better. I feel very neutral when thinking of narcissist. I feel as if I can see through him now, I know how he is, he cannot fool me no longer with his words. Thats why I feel today more hopeful than for a long time :) I wish this development will continue... I actually have done some concrete things to achieve this relaxed state of mind. They are pretty simple tricks but they seem to work... :) I will tell you about them later, so if you are in similar situation, they might help you too. But for now, hugs to you all, I get back soon!
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
____________________________
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