Well, my narcissistic spouse is coming back this weekend. I have been keeping busy with all sorts of things at work. I still have pretty mixed feelings about narcissist. Sometimes I feel good thinking about him, I have warm and caring feelings towards him, but then after a while I remember some insult from his part, and my feeling goes down...
I feel so sorry that narcissist has with his own behavior cooled my feelings towards him. I truly cared for him very, very much and I still care about him, but my feeling is now different. I am not letting myself "love" him anymore so strongly, I have willingly cooled down my feelings. And its actually amazing to realize that we can indeed control our emotions, at list to certain extent :)
Nowadays, if I remember some insulting incident from our past, I feel pain only for a brief moment, after couple seconds my feelings just turn flat, I feel nothing, no pain, perhaps a bit of sadness, because I know things didnt have to go that way, if only he would not have behaved so inappropriately towards me.. It was all in his hands, and he chose to kill my love towards him with his constant criticism, shouting and insults.
I know I could wake up my love towards him again, it would be very easy, but I dont want to do it, because I dont want to get hurt again by him... Narcissist has proven to me that he is the kind of person who is capable of hurting me, he can do things which make me sad (and which he KNOWS will make me sad) without thinking or caring for one second how I feel. To me that is not definition of love, actually its the opposite of love. I feel my narcissistic spouse has been treating me pretty badly... And I think its not possible for me to ever forget those insults. And I guess that is a good thing, no one should swallow that kind of stuff forever.
I have tried all I can to make it work for us, but it has not been enough. If only one person is empathetic towards the other and trying to create a happy relationship, it does not work. It takes two people. And these things have not been a priority for narcissist.
Lets see how weekend goes...
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Hey Winnowill or Sunflower,
ReplyDeleteI've been keeping up with your blog since you posted on the Forum. Hope things are going well.
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