Analyzing my relationship with a narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Thank you so much for your message, Almost there! It brought a smile to my face :) I am doing ok, even tho many things have happened during last week... If someone had asked me two days ago if I am doing ok, the answer would have been "no". Ok, let me explain why I say that...

So, my narcissistic spouse has now been in town for some time. First things went very well. Narcissist was actually more patient than ever before, if some things irritated him. For example, if narcissist had said something negative to me (this time I mean only "small" everyday accidental comments, which are not meant to hurt), and he could see that I was feeling sad about it, narcissist would actually hug me (!) and act very positive and friendly, trying to make me feel better. As you can imagine, I was amazed, and of course very happy about this change in him...

Well, it turned out to be short-lived. narcissist was like that for one week, and then again he exploded out of something very small. His biggest problem is that if he gets upset, he cannot calm down for several hours/one day. I, on the other hand, almost cannot stand it if things are not solved pretty soon after argument... but narcissist can never do this, he wants to go to sleep in bad mood, sleeps in different room etc.

I know people are different when it comes to dealing with conflicts, I happen to be like this and he is simply different... I cannot say he is being unreasonable only because he is different than me. But I think the way he is dealing with conflicts is unreasonable... The way he talks is so insulting, he calls me crazy, sick etc... I have started to understand those women who say that if they hear that kind of stuff for years, they slowly start to believe it, subconsciously...

I feel my narcissistic spouse has definitely brought my self-esteem down with his criticizing comments, accusations and mocking. The problem is that when he is not being total asshole (sorry to use this kind of language!) I enjoy his company quite a bit and he makes me feel pretty good... I know how crazy it sounds! But I guess those who have been in similar situation than me, can understand this... that in the beginning of a relationship you have fallen in love with the image you have created of another person, and when it turns out the person is not what you thought he was, it takes time to let go of that false image you have created... thats why its so difficult to end relationship and to forget, and to go on with my life. But I feel all these negative things have piled up, to the point that I feel I can no longer genuinely enjoy his company, I remember all the bad moments and it brings my mood down.

Still, I have decided not to make decision of leaving, if I am not 100 % sure I want to do it at given time... now I feel I am 90 % sure I want to leave, but that 10 % is still keeping me in this relationship... because if I think of leaving, I remember all those good moments we have shared, and so I find myself postponing the decision, telling myself "well, I can leave anytime I want, even tomorrow, but I dont feel like leaving today"... it feels good to know that I am not forced to stay in this relationship, but that I have the choice... I am the one who decides what happens. That thought actually gives me strength... :)

I notice that I am not anymore feeling so bad if I think of "losing him"... somehow that thought does not evoke strong emotions anymore. That must mean that my feelings towards my narcissistic spouse are starting to go down... which is exactly what I have wished for! I wish that my feelings towards narcissist will eventually die completely (or at list get reduced considerably), then I am strong enough to leave without feeling very depressed!! Actually my narcissistic spouse is speeding this process with his behavior... Let me tell you shortly what I mean:

As I said, we had that bad argument couple days ago. Narcissist told about our argument to his ex, who lives near here (narcissist said he talked to her after our argument, the same day when it happened). Next day after our argument narcissist was behaving again normally towards me, smiling, hugging etc. So I thought that everything was (relatively) ok between us... I thought that in the end perhaps its not a big deal that he complains about our problems to his friends, because I of course do the same to my friends... I mean if we have an argument and I feel bad about it, of course I talk about it to my friends, I think everyone does that... and he claims that this ex is his friend, so I thought that ok, I dont care about it even tho he talked to her...

But then next day I overheard narcissist talking to this ex on the phone, telling things about me which were very insulting, calling me crazy, sick woman etc (no one I know has ever said anything like that to me except him, so I dont think I am truly being "crazy" or "sick".. thats why its so insulting to hear him talk like that about me to his ex, as I am sure you can understand... ).

Narcissist was saying to her on the phone that he was just pretending that everything was normal between us that day, because he didnt want to "create more conflicts", that he has had enough of this "craziness" in our relationship and he wants me out of his life... When I heard him talk like that, it broke something inside me and I lost forever that last trace of "pure" love I have had towards him. I feel sad, because this is all his own doing, I really, truly loved him with all my heart, I feel I have never loved any man as much as I loved him... but his behavior has slowly killed that love.. I wish things didnt go like this but they did :(

Amazingly, after narcissist talked like that to his ex about me he was very friendly to me whole evening after that, wanted to have sex, and next day (which is today) was very loving, hugging me all the time, kissing, doing housework etc... talking about our future together etc. But I have turned cold, because I heard narcissist say to his ex he was only pretending, and actually feeling very bad being with me... I cannot forget that, I feel I cannot trust anything narcissist says... Even tho I in the same time have a feeling that in some way I can understand him, that if he is very upset and angry to me, he would say things like that to his friends and then he changes his mind after a while.. thats what has happened to me so many times, that I have said to my friends that "this is it, I had enough, I will leave, I cannot live with a person like him", and yet I have stayed... So, I have done the same, but still I feel that the way narcissist talked about me was a bit more insulting than what I have said... and especially after he had been so nice to me whole day before that... I cannot help it, it makes narcissist appear double-faced and dishonest :(

Thank you so much for your message, Almost there, it really made me feel good! I hope you keep on reading my blog, its nice to know I am not alone in this cyberspace :) I feel I am getting there too, with small steps...

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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