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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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OK, hello again all of you who are following this miserable blog of mine... I feel so happy that there are some people, who I feel genuinely care for what is going on with me, like for example Almost There... I dont know if you are reading this, Almost there, but I am so happy about all your comments... I feel so lonely right now... Its such a nice feeling to know that there is someone out there who is really caring of what is going on with me... I dont know your story, Almost There, but I feel that you understand what I am going through... If there was a way for us to communicate privately, I would be so happy.. I wish you are still out there reading this blog, even tho I have not heard of you for some time.
I feel i am all alone in this situation, I feel so lost... I feel so bad at this moment.. narcissist is here again, in town. For couple days things went ok, but then it was all hell again... I feel my work (professional work) is going to fail, everything in my life is going to fail, I feel so alone and lost...
Ok, I tell you all what has happened. Narcissist came back, and for couple of days things went ok. But then, again, a horrible argument, after which narcissist told me to get the hell out of this apartment that we share... I feel that this time I dont want to fight back, I feel I am so tired of fighting... I just want to live a happy life, if it ever would be possible for me, I dont know.. I told narcissist in as many words I could that I love him SO MUCH and I dont want to leave him, I want to make it work, but I got no positive response from narcissist, as if he is enjoying to see me suffer like this.... now narcissist has said he will leave for good, but I dont know if he really means it.. this has happened so may times before. Why I am so weak to break free???!!!! Why cant I just simply leave??? Why am I staying in this miserable relationship???? I feel so lost, so without direction...
Ok, I promised to tell you what was the outcome of my strategy (see previous entries). Narcissist actually seemed to change... he actually even apologized to me about his horrible behavior towards me, which has never happened before... so I started to wish that things could be better again.. stupid me!! Next day, after this positive behavior of narcissist, it was just the same as before... Narcissist got angry, shouted to me again, saying all those horrible things, and told me to get the hell out of this apartment... So, it does not work, that strategy of mine.. I feel so stupid, so silly... why did I even wish for improvement... oh God, I cannot even start to describe to you how horrible I feel right now... Narcissist says he has told all his friends how "horrible" person I am, but he has told the story as it is convenient for him, he has not revealed all the details which would actually make narcissist look very bad... Narcissist is telling the story from his point of view, making me look like a horrible, demanding woman... Narcissist is leaving out important facts, and story is not complete... I guess that is typical for a person like him.. Narcissist wants to always be seen in good light by others.
I have such anger in me right now, and such sadness... Narcissist says he has told all his friends how horrible person I am. I am really thinking of sending an email to all of those friends, to tell them how things really are... I dont care if they believe me or not, I just want to make narcissist face a bit of responsibility... but still I am hesitating, I dont know if I should do that or not... but I am SO tempted to that... what do you think? Should I sent the email to the friends and relatives of narcissist, in which I am (very politely, not mocking!) telling the reasons for the ending of relationship? I can send that email here first, to get your comments.. Or perhaps I should send those people a link to this blog, so they can read from here what I have been going through..
I think the only thing that would make narcissist feel really bad is if his abusive, horrible nature would be revealed. I remember reading from somewhere that is the worst fear of a narcissist, that his "cover" will drop and people see him in bad light... Of course if those people see this blog, it makes me look like the most stupid person in world, why the hell have I not walked away from this relationship million years ago? But I dont care about that, I just want narcissist to face a bit of responsibility... But I dont know if that would be a good idea... what do you think?
what should I do? I feel so lost... like dying...
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Hi Winnowill,
ReplyDeleteI'm still reading, but was away for the holidays. If you continue to read the forum, you will read many reports of people that have dealt with narcissists, many people have wanted them to take responsibility for their actions, many people have waited and held on, hoping that things would return to the dreamlike start of the relationship...and some, have wasted decades on these wishes. You hold on, hoping that they are that wonderful person that you thought that they were...THEY ARE NOT! You hold on, wanting them to feel some remorse for their horrible actions...THEY WILL NOT!!! You hold on, hoping to punish them for their bad treatment of you...YOU CANNOT!!!
N's feel no remorse because they cannot empathize with the pain that they cause other people. They cannot be punished because what they want is your attention...in any form, so every time you spend on trying to make them pay is only reinforcing their actions. They are truely empty and pathetic individuals that feed off the energy, emotion and lives of complete solid people. If you hang around long enough, they will drain you of your accomplishments, your energy, and your positive emotions.
If you are dealing with an N, the best thing that you can do for yourself is cut your losses, leave him, and rebuild your life. Do not try to keep in contact with them...they will only see this as you continuing supply...they will perceive you as their victim still.
It is very hard to give up on the wonderful dream they promised you, but if you continue to hang on the nightmare will only get worse. It hurts terribly, but IT IS DOABLE!!! You can do it. Make your plan and start to rebuild your life N free...it is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Almost there
checkout and google bigdaddyspy there's no way he should get away with it.
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