Weekend coming up...

Well, my narcissistic spouse is coming back this weekend. I have been keeping busy with all sorts of things at work. I still have pretty mixed feelings about narcissist. Sometimes I feel good thinking about him, I have warm and caring feelings towards him, but then after a while I remember some insult from his part, and my feeling goes down...

I feel so sorry that narcissist has with his own behavior cooled my feelings towards him. I truly cared for him very, very much and I still care about him, but my feeling is now different. I am not letting myself "love" him anymore so strongly, I have willingly cooled down my feelings. And its actually amazing to realize that we can indeed control our emotions, at list to certain extent :)

Nowadays, if I remember some insulting incident from our past, I feel pain only for a brief moment, after couple seconds my feelings just turn flat, I feel nothing, no pain, perhaps a bit of sadness, because I know things didnt have to go that way, if only he would not have behaved so inappropriately towards me.. It was all in his hands, and he chose to kill my love towards him with his constant criticism, shouting and insults.

I know I could wake up my love towards him again, it would be very easy, but I dont want to do it, because I dont want to get hurt again by him... Narcissist has proven to me that he is the kind of person who is capable of hurting me, he can do things which make me sad (and which he KNOWS will make me sad) without thinking or caring for one second how I feel. To me that is not definition of love, actually its the opposite of love. I feel my narcissistic spouse has been treating me pretty badly... And I think its not possible for me to ever forget those insults. And I guess that is a good thing, no one should swallow that kind of stuff forever.

I have tried all I can to make it work for us, but it has not been enough. If only one person is empathetic towards the other and trying to create a happy relationship, it does not work. It takes two people. And these things have not been a priority for narcissist.

Lets see how weekend goes...

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I feel stronger :)

As I have said, it has now been a while since I have seen my narcissistic spouse, he has been away due to his work. At first I was missing him (despite everything), but now it seems like time has started to do its job: I am starting to realize how pleasant and carefree my life is when narcissist is not around. My stomach is not aching, I dont have constant unpleasant feeling, I feel overall much better. Of course I have those bad moments, when I am thinking narcissist might be flirting with some women while he is away, but somehow I have realized that if he is going to do it, he is going to do it, and it makes no difference if I am stressing about it, I will never know how things have went, since I cannot be a fly on wall... unfortunately (or maybe fortunately:)

I think I am slowly starting to come to my senses. It will be interesting to see how I react/feel when I see my narcissistic spouse again.... perhaps I will be surprised.

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Narcissistic spouse is coming back in few days...

Well, as I said earlier my narcissistic spouse is coming back home by the end of this week... after being away for quite a while (due to work). I have mixed feelings about it. There is part of me that is wishing i could somehow forget all the bad times and insults... and then there is a part that understands that its not possible, that no matter what happens in the future, I can never respect and trust my narcissistic spouse again the way I did in the beginning of our relationship... and perhaps this is a good thing, perhaps evolution has created this mechanism to protect us: if someone has show you with his behavior that he cannot be trusted, you would be a fool if you did trust him again, right (unless of course if he really shows with his actions and attitude that he has changed)?

I have been reading recently quite a bit of stories of other people (from various discussion forums) who are in similar situation than me, and it really helps to realize that there are others out there who are asking all the same questions that I am asking. Its funny how it always takes time for a human mind to fully understand whats best for us...

I am in away a bit afraid of the moment when my narcissistic spouse is going to step in after few days... I would so much want to believe that there will not be any arguments, but past has shown me that there always will be... So, I have tried to be mentally prepared that we may break up before Christmas. In a way it would be easier if narcissist was the one to make that decision (of breaking up), on the other hand it might be better for my self-esteem if I was the one who is leaving narcissist, and not other way around... Even tho I imagine narcissist is going to present the case to his friends in such a way that it was narcissist who left me, no matter what really happened... Narcissist never wants to appear weak in the eyes of others.

So, it will be rather interesting time during next few weeks. I will keep writing this diary, it helps me to cope with my feelings...
Amazing how much a simple act of writing can help!

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Forgetting cheating, bad treatment and narcissistic rage

I was talking this weekend to a friend of mine, who had some interesting new insights regarding difficult relationships, insecurity, jealousy etc. He said (this friend of mine), that in some sense a key to happiness is "letting go" of things, not to hold on to things too much. I started to think about this more, and realized that it is actually true! I have been having EXTREMELY DIFFICULT time accepting certain things which my narcissistic spouse has been doing with other women... The thought of my spouse being together romantically with another woman has been very painful to me... it makes me feel physically sick in my stomach. My narcissistic spouse claims that he has not really gotten physical with another woman, but just holding hands, light kissing etc. But I think those things are bad enough, I would not go on holding hands or kissing with another person, if I am in a relationship... but I know there are many people in this world who think differently, who dont think those things are such a big deal... but since I think they are, I have felt that my spouse has to think the same way, otherwise things cannot work...

Anyways, back to the main point. So, I was digging into my "deepest feelings" and tried to discover what was the "source", the true reason for my unhappy feeling, whenever I was thinking of my narcisistic spouse with some other woman, doing something romantic... And I realized that the "bottom" reason was that I felt as if something was "taken away" from me, something which I had thought was mine: the love of my spouse towards me.

The very thing that make us fall in love with someone is (amongst other things) the fact that we are aware that person loves us back. During the first months of our relationship, I was literally in heaven: I felt my spouse loved me and that made me love him even more. Now during last year, all sorts of things have happened... My narcissistic spouse has been getting romantic with other women, he even slept in same bed with a woman, who he has previously been involved with. I think that is incredibly insulting behavior towards me... I could never do that to person I love.

All these his actions have made me feel that his feelings towards me are not as strong as my feelings towards him. And that hurts, because I believed I had something (his love), and I now realize I dont have that thing anymore (perhaps never did). And it is that feeling of losing something that is causing the pain... However, my spouse has not said to me that he has no feelings towards me, he says he cares for me very much, despite our problems. But his actions speak often something else... So, I am getting contradicting messages, and get very confused :(

But yesterday I realized that if I "let go" of my expectations, I will not be so hurt by these things. I know some of you might think this is rather foolish approach. But if you are experiencing strong pain and heartache in your relationship, you do anything to make that feeling go away. Thinking like this helps me to get rid of my pain. Of course it might (and probably will) eventually take away my feeling of "love" towards my spouse... But I think he has already proven with his actions, that he is not the kind of person I thought he is, and therefore its not good for me to love him too "purely", since he is not loving me back that way.

The best option for me is to love my narcissistic spouse back the same way he loves me, not with too much emotion and feeling, but somehow more "practical" way. I no longer expect anything from him, so I dont get disappointed... I dont know if I can really live like that, but at list I can try..

I believe my narcissistic spouse is emotionally very cold person, who just cannot put himself into position of another person. He either does not realize how much his behavior, shouting etc can hurt other person, or then he does realize it but simply does not care, or then (the worst option) he is enjoying seeing other person get hurt... Whatever the truth is, I dont want to love that kind of a person "blindly", from all my heart without any reservations, because it will only bring pain for me. So, the only option is to little by little let go of my pure love and to learn to think of my narcissistic spouse the same way he seems to think of me. Why should I waste my emotions on person who is not loving me with all his heart? And little by little I hope this approach will help me to let go of my painful memories of insulting things narcissist has done to me in past. If someone who you love is doing bad things for you, it hurts, but if you dont love the person who is doing them for you, you just dont care so much... if someone who is neutral to you is treating you badly, you just go away from that person, but if you are in love, its so much more difficult to leave...

Its such a pity that my spouse cannot see that he is driving me away from him with his own actions. I wish things did not have to go like this... I wish he could love me as much as I (have) loved him. But it looks like he cannot do it. Perhaps he simply does not know how to love anyone....

Well, this ended up being rather pessimistic message, even tho I meant it to be a bit more optimistic... I guess it is a reflection of my true feelings... sad but true, it seems I no longer truly believe we have a change to stay together... well, time will tell how things go.

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