Why are we "loving" narcissists?

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I have been thinking today about many things related to relationship with narcissist... I went to see a nice movie yesterday, it was about love and loving and it made me think. In a movie older woman is advising younger woman to follow her heart instead of her mind when she is deciding whether to stay with her husband (towards whom she does not have strong feelings) or go to be with a passionate lover who she really loves. She is very conservative and ends up staying with her husband (which is of course very respectable decision!). But you can see that in the end she is not happy. She knows something fundamentally important is missing from her life. She has no feelings towards her husband. She feels empty and lonely inside.

I realized last night that I have actually not been in love with "my" narcissist for long, long time. Narcissist had become a part of my life since I had been with him for so long, and of course in the beginning there were strong emotions. I have been holding on to this relationship because I have wanted to hold on to those emotions, which I imagined were there. But now I realize that they do not really exist. I know that they were real for me in the beginning, about narcissist I do not know. I think narcissist did "love" me in his way in the beginning, but it was that kind of "fast" love that narcissists always feel. Narcissist became excited about me very fast, and the fact that I was excited of him as well made him fall for me even more strongly, because that was like fuel for the fire of his ego.

But then the behavior of narcissist changed. I remained strongly in love and kept showing my emotions to him. But narcissist grew gradually colder and started to behave in very cruel way towards me and abuse me emotionally. Narcissist did not care at all how I would feel about something. He would constantly complain, insult and mock. Of course in the beginning of our relationship narcissist would say that I was the "best woman he ever met", and that I could "read him" and "deal with him in gentle way and calm him down fast" when he gets upset, and that those things made him love me even more. But now all that is gone. Now narcissist says I am a horrible person, my personality is horrible, etc. So everything has changed.

Until yesterday I think I have been keeping this small foolish hope alive that perhaps somehow magically we could stay together with narcissist. But then I had unpleasant conversation with him on phone and also I saw that movie, which really made me think that I would so much want to have real LOVE in my life, not this kind of horrible emptiness, loneliness and sadness I am now experiencing. I would like to fall in love head over heels and receive love back. I would like to have a fresh relationship where emotions would be "pure" and not corrupted by memories of horrible events in past, shouting, insults, lying, other women etc.

I know that it is always a risk to get into new relationship, bad things can always happen, but frankly I think at this moment that nothing can be worse than this. Even if my future partner cheats on me, if he at list is behaving friendly towards me instead of this horrible inhuman behavior I am now experiencing, then I would feel that relationship has been worthwhile to live through, even if it would end. Now I see my past year as filled with mostly suffering and anxiety. So I think even if my future relationship (if I am lucky enough to find one) is not perfect, it still most likely will be SO MUCH better than this one that I have now left behind.

I am waiting for spring and summer to come..! I am emptying my brain from past, cleaning my mind after narcissist, getting rid of all old emotions towards him, so that I could fall in love again... I want to fall in love again (well who doesnt ;), I so much wish it would happen to me...! :)


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Detaching emotionally from narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Ok, I am back again. I feel my emotions have been really going up and down regarding my relationship to narcissist. When I look back, I realize I have been in dark cave for years, buried under depression, anxiety, mistrust, hate/love, insecurity and jealousy due to cold and careless behavior of my narcissistic spouse. I have now learned to observe this narcissist from outside and I see him for what he really is: A sad, insecure, lonely soul, who is defining himself only through others (their acceptance and admiration). I have felt sorry for narcissist, have felt certain kind of "pity" towards him, which has also partially affected my foolish decision to stay with narcissist.

I had already detached myself from "my" narcissistic man, but detachment was not complete, since I was still living in same house with narcissist (even tho he was not here for months, which was the only reason I stayed). I think having all the things in house which reminded me of "good, happy times" together made it more difficult for me to detach mentally from narcissist... But little by little I started to realize that I felt actually quite happy living alone, without my narcissistic spouse looming over me like some horrible shadow... But there were always those moments of weakness, when I really missed narcissist and wanted to be with him again.

Then I gave in to my emotions again, and got back together with narcissist at emotional level... But of course the relationship had changed forever. I could no longer feel "unconditional" love towards narcissist, I remembered all the bad things he had done to me. I felt empty and shallow. And that is the point where I am now.

We even had one horrible argument about a week ago, during which narcissist actually attacked me. That was like the final "straw that broke the back of the camel" to me... I did not fight him back, I only defended myself, and so I ended up with bruises while nothing happened to narcissist. I was looking at myself from the mirror and realized for the first time what kind of a monster my narcissistic spouse really is. One just simply does not do this kind of stuff to one they are supposed to "love"...

I want to emphasize that this narcissist has not behaved violently before during this relationship (well there has been couple occasions, but I guess I am so deep in this that I dont even see those occasions as being "real" physical assaults... I feel his intention was not to harm but he somehow "over-reacted"....) But this time narcissist definitely meant to harm. Narcissist clearly was so furious he could not control himself, he felt such strong anger and it came out like that.

I am telling this in order to warn those of you who are out there in a relationship with narcissistic person. It can be that your narcissistic spouse has not yet attacked you, but please keep in mind that with narcissist, you cannot predict these things... I would never have believed my narcissistic spouse could behave like this towards me, and yet he did. I will never forget the crazy shine in the eyes of my narcissistic spouse when he was coming on to me.

The problem now is that narcissist is going to be around for some time in this house. I know what you are now thinking: I should get out as fast as possible. Of course I know that... But it is not that easy in my situation. There are things, which make it very difficult for me to leave. So I have decided to stay for a while and arrange my future in peace. I feel now more strongly than ever before that there can be no future for us. Before I always used to have this small string of hope... But is is gone now.

Now I simply am thinking of myself, and best thing for me is to let narcissist believe that I have again forgiven him his horrible behavior towards me and that all is "well". Narcissist is not going to be around much, so I can live my own life in peace, as I have done during last several weeks. When there is no argument, narcissist is letting me be in peace, he is not constantly on my back, actually he is very pleasant. So it is relatively easy for me to live like this. This has actually been the problem, that narcissist has been so nice and comfortable person when there have not been arguments... But I just cannot take those arguments, that is the problem. Especially when narcissist is never apologizing. Not even after this last argument, when he attacked me.... Narcissist has not even been mentioning it, as if it is a thing of past and forgotten, as it probably is to him.

I am planning to make this summer "The Summer When I Finally Broke Free from Narcissist". Summer is good time for that, sun and warmth are helping my mind and heart to heal. I am going to find my own place and move out sometime this summer. But I am not going to let narcissist to disturb my life any more than he already has. I am not going to let narcissist to force me to move out too fast, I wish to arrange everything so that I will have best possible situation to start my life without him. I am thinking of perhaps buying my own apartment and I want to look for one in peace, I dont want to be rushed with that kind of important thing. I am not going to let narcissist to harm me any longer. It is time to think of myself.

I will get back soon with updates...

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Getting mentally rid of Narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Today and yesterday have been good days in that sense that I have again become a bit stronger. I felt for a while that I wanted to get back with my narcissistic partner, I remembered all the "good times" and I was thinking I am able to cope with "my" narcissist if I really try... I was thinking that even tho this man is narcissist that does not mean he is "evil", etc etc thoughts like that were going around in my head.

Narcissist has actually been back in town now for a while, and of course that is the reason for my moments of weakness... I must say that I actually got romantic with "my" narcissist again.. :( Aaargh, I am so totally ASHAMED to confess that here, after everything I have wrote about getting rid of my narcissistic spouse... Well I guess this only proves that it is SO DAMN HARD to let go of narcissistic partner. Also it proves I am human after all... There were times when I thought I could no longer feel anything, I felt so empty inside due to mental abuse, shouting, mocking, criticizing and all that horrible stuff those of us experience who are in relationship with narcissist. But looks like I still can feel, narcissist has not yet destroyed me completely.

Well... I am now trying to gather my strength again and try not to get back into that emotional trap where I was held for so long. My narcissistic man is trying to be so sweet again... but I can now see through his mask. And I see no real emotions there. Narcissist simply knows (or thinks he knows) which strings he must pull in order to make me stay with him.. Now it is up to me to prove him wrong.

I will get soon back with updates... if you are in similar situation, please feel free to comment on this blog, I would greatly appreciate all feedback! Lets support each other on this difficult, difficult road to recovery after ending relationship with narcissist!

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Mental recovery after relationship with narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Aargh, I feel I am sliding back towards narcissist again... We have spent long time apart with my narcissistic spouse and I was doing just fine. I started to recover and forget the mental abuse, lying, cheating and all those things which made me want to leave narcissist.

But recently I find myself missing narcissist more and more... I guess that is natural and I should just fight this feeling and stay away from narcissist, but it is hard. I cannot understand why I would want to stay with person who is treating me so badly in relationship. I guess it is those "mental hooks" which are keeping me attached to narcissist... I wish I could recover fully and forget all the insults, mocking and bad feelings, I wish I would not have this desire to stay with my narcissistic spouse. It takes so much time for mind to heal after years of mental abuse, narcissist was present in my life for so long that he became literally part of my life and now I feel my life is in a way emptier without narcissist. I am hoping to stay strong... I wish I could press a magical button which would make me forget my narcissistic spouse ever existed :(

It is incredible how difficult it can be to get rid of narcissist, to heal the mind and to recover. But I am going to try my best to do it.
I wish I can stay strong and to "brainwash" myself to realize that my life without my narcissistic spouse is so much happier without all that mental abuse, criticism, mocking, lying, cheating and betrayal... Next few weeks will be crucial. I wish I can stay focused and keep my head and ignore the attempts of my narcissistic spouse to assure me he has changed. Sadly, I know now that narcissist can never change.

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How to leave narcissistic spouse

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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It is not easy to leave narcissistic spouse. I tried to leave my narcissistic man many times during course of several years, but always returned and tried to make relationship work, even tho I knew that narcissist can never change. I was so much hoping that things could be as they were in the beginning... but they never can, not with a narcissist.
I really feel I have been in a way "addicted to narcissist"...I knew there was something horribly wrong in my relationship, and yet I was too weak to leave. Narcissist saw this and was taking advantage of it, enjoying when he saw me suffer when he was keeping me in his leash. I felt like a drug addict, even tho narcissist made me feel bad, I wanted to be in his presence. Even tho I could see how selfish, egoistic and mentally abusing person my narcissistic spouse was behind his mask, I still wanted to continue relationship. Narcissist had me hooked so strongly that it took years before I became strong enough to leave, but it was absolutely worth it to leave. Even tho I am not sure I am still completely free, I still feel I am missing narcissist time to time...


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Why am I missing narcissist?

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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It is interesting how there are ups and downs... Sometimes I feel I am really missing narcissist. I remember all the "good times" we had (we did have those too..), and I feel nostalgic. But then I also remember all the abuse and mental suffering narcissist put me through and my mind is filled with strong hatred towards him... This feeling gets worse at night, just before I go to sleep. Memories will come to my mind, all those times when narcissist was mocking me, shouting at me and mistreating me. Those moments I am so glad narcissist is not in this house with me!!!!

I realize now how twisted my relationship was. I took all those horrible things that happened as "normal", I did not realize that narcissist crossed the limit million times when it comes to respectable human behavior. Or I guess I did realize with some part of my brain, and that is why I was suffering, because i was in a place where I knew I should not be... But all that emerged so slowly (mocking, shouting, mistreating etc) that I did not somehow fully realize it before I was already in so deep that it was very difficult to get out. I am glad I finally started to see the light. Better late than never..!

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Narcissistic spouse and cheating

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I have now been able to take a bit of distance from my narcissistic spouse. It has really helped me, even tho in the same time it has been very hard, since I still feel I am somehow mentally "attached" to my spouse.. But it is getting a bit better every day. I have been trying to occupy myself by doing different things, new things, things which I have not done before. I have made new friends and started some new hobbies. I have tried to walk outside and take care of my health the best I can. I have better days and then some worse days, but slowly I feel I am recovering after my relationship with narcissistic spouse...

Now after a bit of time has passed, I have started to realize how horrible my situation has been when I was living with narcissist. It seems amazing that I have been able to maintain my mental health... I guess I have been depressed during last year due to all mocking and mental abuse performed by my narcissistic spouse, without realizing my condition. I have been reading about experiences of others who are living with narcissistic spouse, and I am shocked how similar my experiences are. It feels good to know I am not alone.

My narcissistic spouse has almost destroyed my self-esteem... almost, but hopefully not completely. Painful emotions related to cheating are difficult enough to handle, and on top of that I have had this horrible stress caused by mental abuse. I wish nobody would have to go through what I have been going through... But I know there are many people in this world who are going through this at this very second. I wish that my experiences of living with a narcissist would help those people to see their situation more clearly and break free from abusive relationship before it is too late.


It is amazing how much one can put up with when one believes one is "in love"....

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Life after narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I am still updating this blog, even tho I have not been around for a while. I will get back shortly and tell you what I have been up to recently! I have some news regarding the narcissist in my (past) life. I have done some more reading regarding narcissism, and I realize more and more clearly that my spouse definitely was/is a narcissist... even tho I believe we all have some narcissistic features in us, I guess it is natural. But most of us still know how to behave, despite the "narcissist within". My narcissistic spouse could not control his behavior... I guess that was one big reason for our separation.

Now I must go, but I will return soon to tell more about my life after narcissist! :)


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Recovery after relationship to narcissist is pretty difficult...

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I have not been writing for some time, sorry. I have tried to get my life back on track after my relationship with narcissist has come to an end. There are days when I feel better, then there are days when I feel worse. I have still been talking to narcissist, even tho I know it may not be wise. Some foolish part in me still seems to wish that somehow things could magically be the way they were in the beginning of this relationship. I guess I really made myself addicted to narcissist at that time... I created my own "dream image" of narcissist before I even got to know him properly, and I have been cherishing that dream image all these years... now I am really starting to feel withdrawal symptoms, and it is sometimes painful.

But I feel I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I realize now that my feeling of longing and hopes that we could be happily together are not my true hopes and wishes. Even if I could be together with narcissist, and even if narcissist would magically change his manners (which I know narcissist is not capable of), I know I could never forget the things he has done to me. I will try to think of my feelings of "longing" and "missing" as addiction, that I must fight against. I know it is a bad kind of addiction and it is not good for me, it is similar thing that addiction to drugs. I can imagine that getting rid of addiction to drugs is probably just as hard as this. This kind of attitude helps me to deal with situation better... if I think that this is simply something "mechanical" in my brain, something very natural, and something that will pass when narcissist is out of my life...

So, I will try to live one day at the time. There are moments when I feel so hopeless I cannot describe it with words. But I am trying to remind myself that it is only the withdrawal symptoms after my relationship with narcissist, which are causing my feeling, I am not REALLY missing narcissist...

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Almost Happy :)

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Today I have had a pretty good day. Sun has been shining and it has really cheered me up :) I feel I am starting to finally "get there", with small steps. I have enjoyed spending time with friends and family, I really mean enjoyed, smiled and laughed from all my heart. This really feels like a new start!! :)

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New beginning... :) Life without narcissistic spouse

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Hi again! Sorry for being away for so long, I had a small accident and I had to be away from computer for a while. It was nothing serious, and now I have recovered and wanted to give a small update of what is going on.

Narcissist has left town and I have mixed feelings. But as the spring is slowly approaching and weather gets warmer every day, I feel new hope in me. I am thinking of narcissist less and less, and I have started to train myself to think in such away that life without narcissist is truly better than life with narcissist. We did talk before he left that its best to finish relationship, but I think narcissist simply does not believe that I would really do it. But this time I feel I have strength to stay in my decision..!

I still wake up every morning with depressed feeling, but nowadays I seem to be able to brush it aside faster and faster.. I simply tell myself "I am happy living without narcissist" every morning, and little by little I am starting to believe it.. :) I have also been looking at apartments, and now I no longer feel depressed because of the idea that I would be living alone, without narcissist... I find myself to be actually excited when I think how I would build my own, safe "nest" , where I dont have to be afraid of anything or anyone, no one is shouting or criticizing etc... its a wonderful feeling :)

I have also bad days, when I feel desperate, depressed, want to go back to old times even tho I know its impossible... things can never be the way they once were. That is perhaps the most important realization I have had, that even if I was able to be with narcissist, and narcissist would change his behavior completely, I dont think I could ever again feel towards him the way I did... this is the point when "first excitement" (which has lasted first few years of relationship) has passed and chemical reactions in brain have been "normalized", and mere excitement can no longer carry relationship onwards... this is the moment when true companionship and love should emerge and form, and in best case that bond will last a lifetime. With narcissist nothing like that is possible, because narcissist does not respect me, narcissist is not friendly, narcissist doesnt make me feel warm, good, trusting, on the contrary narcissist makes me feel negative... so, when I think about things logically, I know there is no other way but the one which I am taking. That is a comforting thought.

I wish I would fall in love again, this time with someone who is more like me, who can be kind and caring, who would truly love me and who I could truly love.. I dont know if I will ever find a person like that, but I wish I do. Lets see. I am thinking of ways to meet new people and make new friends. I want to get new things in my life, things that bring me joy. I want to get rid of this depression due to ending of a relationship with a narcissistic spouse...

Well, lets see how following weeks will go. As I said, narcissist doesnt seem to think that I am ever able to leave. He is calling me often, but I have not wanted to talk to him much on phone now during last several days. When I hear his voice, it makes me feel sick in my stomach. So I have avoided that. But I have been friendly and neutral, I feel thats the simples for me. I dont want to make narcissist angry or hostile towards me, he could make my life very difficult if he wanted to. So, I am doing my own preparations and mental training for life alone, but I am not telling narcissist about it. I feel this is the moment when I must think of myself, not him. I must think whats best for me. And best for me right now is to be able to arrange my things in peace, without narcissist being all over me causing problems...

There is one thing that clearly shows me I am getting over narcissist. Before I used to miss narcissist when he wasnt at home for long time. Now I am happy to be alone, I enjoy peace and quiet. That tells me I am not in love with my narcissistic spouse anymore as strongly as before. I am so glad I have my health, friends, and my peace!

I will let you know how things are progressing in my life! Thank you for reading and for all your comments!!!!!!!

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End is approaching... Goodbye narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Ok, I am still here... Now the end is really approaching. Thank you so much for your comments! They are really helping me. I tell you briefly the situation. I have been going back and forth with narcissist... other times I feel I want to try to make it work and we have had some good times. At other times we have horrible times. During last couple weeks, there has been fights almost every other day. Every other day things then seem better. But now I really feel the end is approaching.

Narcissist is going to leave the country for a really long time, because of his work, and after all these arguments, we both have a feeling that there is no point in continuing after he leaves. That will happen in two weeks now.

I have been in emotional roller coaster.. at other times I feel so good thinking that its finally over, at other times I feel devastated thinking I will never see him again.. why do I have these mixed feelings in me? Why cant I just simply see the truth, the same what my friends have seen all along, that this is just not working.... :( Why do I feel I am "dependent" on narcissist? I feel empty and sad without him near me... but even if he is near me, I dont feel happy.. all bad memories keep coming to my mind. I cannot trust narcissist. I cannot trust his words. I feel he does not respect me. So why do I even feel I would like to continue with him? I dont understand myself... I dont understand my own mind... why is it working like this? Why is my own mind turning against me? What could I do to change the way my mind works, the way I feel? Why cant I see whats good for me? Why do I want to hold on to this bad relationship? All these questions are going around in my mind... and I am feeling like I am dying inside... :( I feel so stressed, anxious and depressed.. but now I think its finally coming to some kind of conclusion, soon... no matter what I want. Because narcissist is leaving. I know I will feel pain for some time. I just wish it would not be too long. Thats what I am hoping for now. I can no longer hope for anything else.

If there is no trust, there can be no relationship.. and I dont trust my narcissistic spouse. Narcissist does not keep his promises to me. Narcissist is not telling me the whole truth about things. I have seen this so many times, and it has destroyed my trust towards him.

I dont know what is going to happen to me.. I feel very alone, and a bit scared, and very stressed, its hurting my stomach... I just wish that I would feel better soon.. :( sorry to post this sad entry, but this is how I feel just now. We just had another bad argument one hour ago...

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Thank you E!!!

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Thank you so much for your comments, dear E! I will think carefully about everything you said! Big hug for you!

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What is right way to leave a narcissist?

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I am taking thing one day at the time. But I am standing behind my decision to leave my narcissistic spouse. I am still struggling with different options: should I move out now, should I move out a bit later, should I stay and live in this house even tho we separate (he would not be here so often, that it would be possible to do it that way.. in a way it would be easiest for me, since I could then concentrate on my work without going through the pain of moving... but I dont know if staying here would only make it harder for me to recover. Eventually I would have to move out anyhow, so perhaps the best thing is to do it soon...

As I said, I am only considering staying in this house because narcissist is not going to spend time here almost at all this spring... we originally made plans that I could go to stay with my spouse in those places where he has to work this spring (he is changing location pretty often), but if we are not going to be together, then I might as well live in this house for a while, and organize my things in peace and with time.

I still have not decided exactly what to do, how to do it, and when to do it... but I feel stronger now than last fall. I feel I am ready to start my own life without the dark shadow of my narcissistic spouse looming over me.

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About the friends of narcissist...

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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This is just a short comment/thought of something, that has been troubling me.. I am wondering, is it "typical" for a narcissist (if this man happens to be one) to try to gain even more control over another person (me in this case) by telling me that all his friends also think somehow negatively of me... this is what narcissist has been saying. Narcissist is saying that his friends "see" similar disturbing features in me than he sees, "which drive person crazy". Its strange that none of my friends has complained about these features in me. Narcissist is saying that I "talk too much, and cant let go on one topic, but elaborate with that forever, until person goes crazy etc..".

I have asked about this from my own friends, that am I really very disturbing when I talk a lot, and my friends have said that they have not felt its a problem, on the contrary, we always have lively, interesting conversations. But with my narcissistic spouse, I have not been able to have conversations like that. We cannot really go very deep. Narcissist gets tired easily on one topic, and when he gets tired, he can interrupt me in the middle of the sentence, and say "I dont want to talk about this anymore". Then if I am trying to complete my sentence, or my train of thought, just to come to conclusion about the topic, narcissist gets upset, and says that I cannot stop when he tells me to, that I just carry on... It sounds so crazy even to my own ears, when I write this... but thats the way it has been. I feel that he should have courtesy to let other person finish sentence or train of thought... it does not matter what the topic of conversation is, narcissist can do this interruption unexpectedly.

Anyways, so narcissist says that his friends also (in addition to him) think I am talking and asking questions to the "point where I drive another person crazy". I dont know if those people really have said that or not, but the fact that narcissist is saying it to me makes me sad, of course. As a consequence, I have not wanted to spend time with my narcissistic spouse and his friends. I actually have more friends than my narcissistic spouse has, and somehow my friends seem to like my company, they dont find me to be unpleasant or that I "drive people crazy". This is comforting thought, since I am a person who can get wounded easily by insulting comments.. and my narcissistic spouse saying like that has hurt me.

For a while I was thinking is there really something wrong with me, that perhaps I am such a horrible, disturbing person narcissist claimed I am... but then my friends and relatives were able to convince me that my behavior is not "crazy" or "strange" or "obsessed" or anything like that, which really made me feel better... even tho I know they are my friends and of course they say things in order to make me feel better, I dont think they are lying to me about this matter... If there really was something wrong with me, I mean fundamentally (as narcissist is claiming), I think my friends would have at list hinted to me about it, when I asked about it, I have such a good relationship with them, we can talk about all sorts of things, even unpleasant ones... I believe they would have mentioned if there was some truth in what my narcissistic spouse is claiming. But sometimes I am still doubtful and wonder if there really is something wrong with me... even tho I know I should not think like that!

These are sad topics, I know, but I would be really happy to hear opinions of others: if you have been in a relationship with a narcissistic spouse, have you encountered this kind of behavior (narcissist saying his friends think I am "obsessed" etc negative things), and have you actually started to doubt yourself because of it? Were you able to overcome those doubts eventually? I just wish this does not permanently damage my self-esteem, I have noticed over the years that my self-esteem is not the best in the world... I am trying to tell myself that I am ok, that we all have our flaws, nobody is perfect, I may talk a lot and even elaborate on things, but that does not make me "crazy" or abnormal or bad person. I keep telling myself this, when these unpleasant memories of the comments of narcissist come to my mind.

About my present situation, I am feeling stronger than ever that leaving is the right thing to do. Thank you so much for your comments, they have helped me to see things more clearly! I have already started to arrange my things with aim to have a pleasant life from now on. I will tell you about it a bit later!

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Thank you for your comments!

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Thank you so much for your comments! I really appreciate them. I know how this situation must seem to outside, when you only get to listen to sad stuff I am writing here... The truth is that sometimes there are good times, sometimes there are bad times. But of course there should not be bad times like this in relationship. As I have said, I am in no position to make diagnosis of anyone, since I am not MD, but based on everything I have read about narcissism, I feel this man really fits to the picture very well.

Someone commented here earlier, that if a narcissist is being abandoned by everyone, then he has zero changes to get better, ever.... only with support of someone close to him he has a change to improve. But in many cases narcissist will not improve, no matter what (even tho in some cases improvement is possible). I feel that I have been trying so long, that I can now say that with this man there is no chances for significant improvement... I guess I have somehow hoped that things could again be as they were in beginning.. but the truth is that so much negative stuff has happened during last year, that I feel I cannot take it, not for the rest of my life.

Yes, you are right, perhaps the best solution would be just do decision fast, and not to try to slowly get over my feeling towards narcissist first... I have just tried to avoid that heartache, which I know will follow when I break up with narcissist. But perhaps that is the right decision, to accept that there will be heartache, and deal with it, ant then go on with my life. Writing to this blog and getting your comments has given me more strength. Thank you for your words, I am not offended at all by anything you say, I know this is not healthy situation for me and I feel its good that someone is saying these things to me directly, that "shakes me up" a bit.. :)

So, I will now start to seriously plan my leaving in practice. How to do things in right way. I must try to remind me that its not really narcissist who I am missing, but I am missing my own illusion of the way narcissist was in the beginning of this relationship. I think some wise person commented like this at some point in this blog. I think it is true. The reason why its so hard to leave is because I am so attached to my "good" memories... But i must try to take them as they are, mere memories, nothing more than that. I must learn to separate present and past. And I am not missing "present him", I am missing "past him". I wish I can hold on to this thought...

I am so happy every time you are commenting on my writings, it really gives me strength, thank you so very much!!! :)

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Detaching myself from narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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My narcissistic spouse is again out of town for some time. Things went ok when narcissist was around, no arguments. Narcissist was very loving and kept saying how he wants to be with me forever etc. But I feel in my heart its too late. Unfortunately I dont think I am able to forget and forgive all that narcissist has done. Too much has happened...

I have had this strange feeling for some time now, that my narcissistic spouse is somehow indifferent character to me. I do feel very sad if I think we must go apart, but I no longer feel devastated. Actually, when I think of doing things with my narcissistic spouse, I feel slightly disgusted... I no longer enjoy doing things with narcissist. Then, periodically, I feel I can enjoy the company of narcissist, but simply as a "friend". Somehow it seems that my narcissistic spouse is important person to me, because he has been in my life for so long, but I no longer think of narcissist as my partner in life. I feel I am slowly getting back the control of my own life, and it feels good! I am again enjoying when I do things with my friends, and I am looking forward to summer :)

Now you may wonder, that what the hell I am still doing living with my narcissistic spouse, if I have this kind of feelings... I dont have straightforward answer to that. I feel that even tho I am well on the way to recovery and "letting go"- phase, I am not yet quite there... still I feel sadness, and reluctance, if I think of separation and break-up. But slowly I feel it has started to change... So, I have been thinking that I will wait a bit, also because I dont want to put extra burden on me just now in form of moving. I need to concentrate on my work for some time now, since it has not been going well. My narcissistic spouse is not going to be around very much, so it makes it easier for me to get used to idea of being on my own.

Some of you may think that this is not a good strategy, that I should definitely leave my narcissistic spouse as soon as possible... But I have played around with that idea, and it feels that now the best thing for me is to wait a bit, and let my mind realize on its own that the best thing is to go our separate ways. If narcissist was living constantly with me, of course I would make this decision faster... but he is not. Also, I am not misleading narcissist, I am not going to look for another relationship until I really break up with narcissist.

Some might say that this what I am now doing is bad behavior from my part, that if I have thoughts like this, I should tell my narcissistic spouse about it... but strangely, I feel I get some kind of strange "satisfaction" when I think that narcissist no longer controls me, that I have a will of my own and plans of my own, which narcissist has no idea of, and that it will be ME who will decide when I will leave, not narcissist breaking up with me... I dont know why, but this thought helps me to feel that I still have some self-esteem left.. that narcissist hasnt been able to mentally beat it all out of me.

I will let you know how things improve. I am sure that life will smile to me again. I just must find a way to leave this relationship in "right way"...

As I said before, some of you may think that this kind of behavior is not right from my part, that I should just leave my narcissistic spouse. But different things work for different people. This seems to work for me.. I really feel i deserve to feel for a moment that I am in control of the situation, instead of the situation controlling me.... also, only those who have been in mentally abusive relationship with a narcissistic spouse or person who has narcissistic features, know how difficult it is to leave, even tho you know in your mind that is the right solution. It takes time to break that emotional bond, even if other person has been mentally abusing you... Human mind is a mystery.

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Update of my relationship with a narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Hi again! I have been doing a lot of "reprogramming" of my mind lately, I have started to get really used to idea of living alone, without my narcissistic spouse... I feel this new way of thinking is slowly implementing into my brain. I feel in the end it will not kill me to go apart. I only wish I will not be sorry about it afterwards, that I will not have second thoughts... but making a "final" decision is really hard... I guess I just wait and let things go to that point on their own weight. I will live my life and concentrate on my own things. I can do this easily, since narcissist is not going to be around so much during next few weeks. It makes it easier for me to get used to life without narcissist. I am trying to train myself not to think about narcissist so much. If a thought of narcissist enters my mind, I will intentionally suppress it. I have noticed that I can do this, it only requires a bit of training. I will teach myself to find happiness in other things in life. I wish all this will help me to get over the grief of ending of a relationship sooner...

I have realized an important point. I have felt very uncomfortable in this relationship with my narcissistic spouse for many reasons, but one reason which I have not realized until now so clearly is that I simply dont trust narcissist. And I think that is the fundamental thing.. I dont mean trust only in terms of cheating. I mean trust in general sense, in subconscious way... I dont trust that narcissist is "there for me" mentally, if I need him. I have experienced that narcissist can easily "let me down" in a way that can be very insulting towards me. I feel that person who should be closest to me in this world, should be the kind of person with whom I feel comfortable, and I can trust that no matter what happens, the person is on my side, and not my enemy. I feel that my narcissistic spouse is not on my side, since he can accuse me, blame me, insult me etc. My narcissistic spouse does things which make me feel bad unexpectedly. In this sense I cannot trust him. This may sound like a simple, self-evident thing, but I have never thought of it that way before. I have been blinded by my "love" towards narcissist.

I have felt bad for a long time in this relationship, but I have not really analyzed WHY I have felt bad... I have wanted to close my eyes because I have thought I "love" my narcissistic spouse so much. Sometimes simple realizations like this can help a lot. So, whenever I feel like I am missing narcissist or something like that, I must remind me of this matter. Narcissist was not worthy of my trust. Narcissist was not there for me. He let me down so many times mentally. Narcissist was mentally violent and abusive. You dont do those things to person you love.

Even tho there maybe some blame in me as well (nobody is perfect, that goes without saying!) there is one fundamental difference between me and my narcissistic spouse. I know I am not an evil person. I never intentionally hurt or mock other person. My narcissistic spouse is not like this. Narcissist does those things even tho he knows other people get hurt. Narcissist shouts and insults and is generally nasty and not sensitive and polite. It seems to be the nature of narcissist. So, I am sorry to say this, but my feeling is that if a person can hurt and insult his partner, that kind of person is "evil person"... there is no excuse for the kind of mental abuse narcissist has been doing to me. And my conclusion is that I dont want to be with a person who is evil and mean. The friends of narcissist would never believe this of him, because to them narcissist is always showing his "best" face.. I remember that is a definition of a narcissist (one of them), that its so important for narcissist to maintain a flawless image of himself in eyes of others, but inside his own home narcissist is a horrible tyrant... everything fits so well to my spouse.

If I cannot rely on my narcissistic spouse, life with him would have been a misery. On the other hand, one should never completely rely on other people... but I feel that at list there should be a feeling in a relationship that if you need emotional support, you will also get it. Now I dont have that feeling at all. Now I feel that I cannot talk to narcissist about my things openly, because I know already in advance that narcissist will not be supportive. Also, I dont feel I enjoy conversation with narcissist. Narcissist is not communicating in same way as I am. Different things are important to narcissist. He is definitely more materialistic than me. I feel in the end we dont have so much in common, after all. Being aware of all these things will help me in getting over the separation...

Next one month will be crucial. I have decided to be friendly towards my narcissistic spouse, but not anymore to say that I want to hold on to relationship. I am going to treat narcissist as a friend, rather than lover. And I will let this relationship slowly fade away. Its so good that narcissist is away due to his work so much nowadays, that its easier for me to concentrate on my own life and to process the separation on my own, without having narcissist living in same house. We have already talked about separation, so narcissist knows my feeling, and has not been objecting to idea so far. Now I must be strong, that I dont change my mind and ask narcissist to continue relationship. I wish I can keep my head this time... Because the longer I stay with mental abuser like my narcissistic spouse, the more I get hurt. I will not let narcissist to destroy my life and self-esteem totally.

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.

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Narcissist and verbal and mental abuse

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I have been reading today lot about verbal and mental abuse, narcissism etc... and it has really helped me to realize finally without any doubts that the fault has not been mine in our arguments, that my spouse fits so well to all those categories of mental abusers... reading those definitions (like in that article I attached to previous entry) made me sometimes even laugh, even tho its so tragic, because it was as if someone had been able to see into our home when there have been having arguments and was able to describe exactly (almost from word to word!) what narcissist has said when he is in that "mad narcissistic rage" mode, and how narcissist reacts if/when I try to defend myself, etc...

It was amazing and even a bit scary to realize that there are so many more people out there, who are behaving as my narcissistic spouse... that the behavior of narcissist is not random, but that it can be explained and described to detail by experts... so, to me it seems like the behavior of my narcissistic spouse can be thought of as a kind of a disorder, because there are so clear and accurate definitions for his twisted behavior out there. And this makes things a bit easier for me, since I can now think that it was not my fault that things went how they went, that I really tried my best, and it didnt work out because narcissist had his problems, it was not completely because of me (as narcissist has been saying).

By the way, I want to say one thing. This is something I will never forget, nor forgive my narcissistic spouse. This shows the cruel nature of narcissist so clearly. I told narcissist something that is very private, and also very painful for me. When I was very young, my first relationship was unfortunately such that the other person turned out in the end to be violent. I was so young, and so shocked about the situation, that I somehow stayed in that relationship for longer time than I should have, because that man was very apologizing and loving after being violent, and I was so very young, I had no experience of relationships of any kind, and also I was so much in love with him (he was my first love), that I stayed...

But then I pretty soon realized that it was not a healthy relationship anymore, not with the way he was, and I left, and have never regret it. After that, I had a long relationship with a wonderful man, we never ever had arguments, nothing to speak of... we lived together and things were great. That showed me that there can be relationships like that too...:) But then at some point we realized that we had become more friends than lovers and decided in full mutual understanding to go our separate ways. There was no drama in it and we stayed as good friends. After that I had another very good relationship with a wonderful man, no fighting or shouting ever, nothing like that. But then we separated because our life situations were such that we could not spend enough time together. We both thought that was for the best at that time. I had no bad feelings about the separation, also with him we stayed as very good friends.

The reason why I started to tell this story was this: at some point I told my narcissistic spouse about that first bad relationship I had when I was very young. I told narcissist that there was violence involved from that ex-boyfriends side. And the reaction of my narcissistic spouse was this: he said that perhaps it was my fault that this first boyfriend was hitting me, perhaps I was so annoying and irritating to him, that he just could not stand it.... I felt crushed to hear this kind of comment from my spouse, because I had thought he would be supportive of me, or something like that, anything but what he turned out to be...

Narcissist showed no sympathy, no warmth, he was very cold, analytical, and the way narcissist was analyzing the situation was like this: it was probably somehow my fault that things went like that with that first man. My narcissistic spouse said "I cannot believe that he was hitting you without any reason at all. You must have done something. No one hits other people without reason". I thought this was simply... crazy comment from my narcissistic spouse. As if narcissist was defending that guy, taking his side, and not mine, even tho I was his girlfriend... I could not believe that. And to say that no one hits without reason, and to make it sound as if those people who are being hit somehow are to blame, because they have been so irritating or something.. I could not believe my spouse was talking like that.

In my opinion there is NEVER any justification to hit another person. My first man had been violent also towards his other women, not only me, so I later learned. Just as my narcissistic spouse has been misbehaving towards his previous partners... so, people dont seem to change. And the fact that I have had very good relationships too in my life tells me that it cannot be all my fault as narcissist says, that I would be somehow horrible person... somehow I just ended up being together with two people, who have problems of their own (I mean that first boyfriend and now my narcissistic spouse), which are preventing them from having "normal" relationships. I refuse to believe that this is my fault that things have come to this point. I dont even like arguing, I am not good at it, I dont know how to shout and to insult another person, I cannot do it, I am always just trying to defend myself, and build peace, when narcissist goes to frenzy and narcissistic rage...

But as a conclusion: I found it to be simply horrible, inhuman comment from my spouse, when he was saying "you must have done something to him to make him hit you, no one hits without reason. You must have irritated him so much that he just could not stand it no longer. Knowing you, you are capable of doing that". Yep, thats what narcissist said... I said to narcissist that none of my other boyfriends never had any problems like that with me, only that first one (and now my narcissistic spouse of course...all these problems with him). But this was like talking to deaf ears. Narcissist already had made up his mind that it was somehow my own doing that my first boyfriend was physically abusive...

I just cannot understand how the mind of my narcissist spouse works :( I cannot understand how he can say something like that to me. Cant he understand how deep wounds physical abuse has left in person, and how bad it makes me feel if he says it was somehow "my own doing that it happened"? This makes me feel he has no empathy at all in him... literally not at all. But then again what else can I expect from a narcissist. Thats so sad... I wish I could at list understand if there is some kind of sick logic under his cold comments. What is narcissist thinking of gaining by saying that, if anything?

All these things have really helped me to make my decision to leave my narcissistic spouse. Now its all about issues of practical matters. I must think carefully how I am going to handle this, so that I can arrange my life in such a way that narcissist cannot give me any trouble, if he gets mad when I leave. Leaving cannot happen over night, that I know. I must do some thinking about what to do.. Its so sad that things have come to this point, but I feel there is nothing else I can do :(

Ps. I would be so happy to hear your comments about this what I told here, about narcissist telling me it was somehow my own fault that my first boyfriend was physically abusive towards me... I just cannot understand how anybody can say that, and why... what could he possibly have been thinking? Any ideas? :( Is this kind of behavior typical for a narcissist?

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Article of Verbal Abuse

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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This day has again been a bit more difficult, but I am still feeling relatively ok :) I am trying to block unwanted thoughts and to prepare myself for separation, in a way "train" myself to let go of him mentally. Its not easy, but I have made some pretty good progress... I will get back soon, this was just a short note to let you know I am doing more or less ok :)

I found today this very good article of verbal abuse:
Verbal Abuse

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Why am I afraid to end relationship with a narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Another day has gone by, and i am still feeling great... this is amazing! I have tried to follow simple tips, which may sound silly, but which truly seem to work:

I have met with friends every day durig last 4 days. At first it was very difficult for me, I had no desire to go out to meet anybody, even a thought of it took away all my energy... but I forced myself to go. I also forced myself to go out for a walk every single day. And after doing this for couple days, I started to feel my mind was slowly cheering up... Even tho at first I was reluctant to meet people and spend time with them, since I felt that these problems related to my relationship with my narcissistic spouse were only things in my mind, after doing that I noticed that it truly has strangely relaxing effect on me :) I have forced myself to smile and chat about happy matters for several hours every day, and slowly I notice that my brain is starting to think again in more positive way, all on its own :)

And those positive thoughts bring with them a realization that my narcissistic spouse has bad influence on me, since his presence is preventing me from feeling this good... I know this sounds simple even to the point of being "silly", but sometimes the biggest realizations in life are the most simplest ones, and usually they have been there right in front of you all along, you just have not seen them :) Thats the way I feel now, as if my eyes have been opened :)

Sometimes the most effective way is simply to empty the mind and follow the instructions given from outside, as a "robot"... I really had to force myself to do those things, but I have now seen that it truly is worth the trouble... In a way I "forced" my physiology and brain to work in certain way, I gave the initial "push", and then my body and mind took over, and it became a self-sustained positive feed-back cycle... but the initial "push" had to come from me, I had to force myself to take first couple steps down that path. I never would have believed I can feel this good again... I can finally see a light of hope in horizon :)

Today I was again talking to narcissist on phone, and same feeling was there: as if I was a prisoner, who has finally been released :) I felt no "love", no attachment, no anger, I felt very neutral and indifferent about narcissist. I so much wish that this state of mind persists..

I dont know how it will be when narcissit will return after a little while, but I hope I am able to keep this line of thought. It really helps to "reprogram" the brain to think in a new, more constructive way (take a look at that link I attached above to see what I mean. I hope it will help you if you are in similar situation!). I will get back to you soon :)

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Change in my attitude towards my narcissistic spouse

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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HI again! Something amazing has happened... I dont know what is causing this, but I can definitely see a change in my thinking. I have went through mental hell during last several weeks/months, constant stress, unpleasant feeling, anxiety, feeling down and depressed... and today, for the first time, I feel again strong, as if I have stepped into light from dark room.

I have not felt stressed or anxious today at all, when I have been thinking about these matters. You see, until today I have always felt pretty anxious and stressed whenever a memory of the past behavior of my narcissistic spouse or memory of him getting romantic with some woman has popped into my mind, usually totally unexpectedly... During those moments, I have felt sick in stomach, felt disgusted by narcissist and his behavior, but in the same time I have felt fear of losing my narcissistic spouse... I have somehow been hanging in this relationship, even tho I have known how bad it is for me.

But now I have had a change to be on my own for couple days, and I have had time to think about everything. Today I was talking to narcissist over the phone, and I felt nothing. I mean nothing. I heard narcissist say all sorts of sweet things about loving me (despite the horrible arguments we had just a little while ago) etc. But this time I could somehow see narcissist with the eyes of an outsider and also hear him with the ears of an outsider... And he did not sound sincere. He sounded as a person, who is saying things which he knows he must say, but without any feeling. I realize now that I have just imagined that feeling which I have thought I hear in the words of my narcissistic spouse, because thats what I have been hoping to hear.

But now I feel my narcissistic spouse really has not cared for me as much as I have cared for him. When narcissist called me, his first words were "are you happy to hear my voice"? As if only thing that is important to narcissist is that I would be "crazy" about him. Narcissist also said "I dont believe I will ever find any woman who will love me as much as you. I want to be with you forever" etc. I have always been bothered by the fact that my narcissistic spouse is not so much saying that "he loves me" (even tho of course he is also saying that time to time), but he is very often saying things like "I am so happy that you love me so much, you love me like crazy" etc... I know, it sounds so weird, and it should have made my warning bells ring long time ago. Narcissist seems to get his kicks when he thinks someone (in this case me) "loves him like crazy" or admires him. That must be a reason why narcissist is so much flirting with other women, and wants to get close to them (claiming that its only friendship etc). It looks like narcissist desperately needs admiration from others. That is one of those traits in my spouse, what makes me believe he is a narcissist. Of course there are also other reasons, why I believe that (I have talked about those reasons elsewhere in this blog).

Anyways, the point is this: I feel I am now closer to that state of mind, where I can actually detach myself from my narcissistic spouse. I think one influencing factor has been the incident with that "long lost love" of my narcissistic spouse (I spoke about this earlier in this blog). It really hurt me to see that narcissist is able to get very romantic with another woman, even tho he is in a relationship with me. The interaction that narcissist has had with her has not been acceptable from my point of view. Narcissist has been using the kind of language with her, that is not proper for a man who is in a relationship. He has been "courting" her by saying very sweet things to her, calling her "my most precious one" etc (that was actually the part that hurt me THE MOST... to hear my spouse say those sweet things to another woman... I am sure any woman who is in love can imagine how horrible that feels like...). Narcissist has also been bragging to her about his achievements, and also telling how much he used to feel towards her and how happy he is that they are now reunited.. not to forget that narcissist told her we have problems in relationship and he does not know how long we will stay together...Yeah, right. Talk of a "devoted partner".

All this is simply such a huge piece of crap, that I cannot understand I have accepted all that... but of course narcissist does not know I know all the details about this matter. Narcissist has told me on his own some of these things, but some of it I have found out on my own. And it kind of adds to pain, to know that narcissist has been again lying and hiding some things. I guess it has simply taken a little time for these latest events finally to sink into my brain, but now I feel I have truly had enough... I dont want this anymore. I feel so good and relaxed being on my own, when narcissist is not around. Its amazing feeling. I so much hope it will last..!!

So, at this moment I feel there are no good things left in this relationship. Narcissist is often not friendly towards me (even tho at other times he can be very friendly, like today) and the memories of the unpleasant behavior of narcissist towards me cannot be forgotten. I somehow could perhaps accept that, as long as I could make myself believe that narcissist would at list be loyal to me, when it comes to other women... but now I have seen that even that is not true. Narcissist has betrayed me emotionally.

Did I already tell you that this "long lost love" of his actually turned narcissist down? So, it wasnt HIM who made decision not to get involved, but it was HER... this of course left me with very unpleasant feeling about the matter. I think if she would have given a positive sign, narcissist would have continued to pursue her romantically... and that is the part that has hurt me the most :( I have really, truly felt so down because of all these things... but now, for the first time, I feel better. I feel very neutral when thinking of narcissist. I feel as if I can see through him now, I know how he is, he cannot fool me no longer with his words. Thats why I feel today more hopeful than for a long time :) I wish this development will continue... I actually have done some concrete things to achieve this relaxed state of mind. They are pretty simple tricks but they seem to work... :) I will tell you about them later, so if you are in similar situation, they might help you too. But for now, hugs to you all, I get back soon!

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Thoughts of leaving narcissistic spouse

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I feel like my mind is in a roller-coaster... Narcissist has now been away for couple days, and as I said, I have actually felt good being on my own.. I have kind of enjoyed this freedom, silence and peace :) I have also been thinking about this situation... I feel that no matter what I decide, I will end up facing pain... if I stay, its continuous pain for years to come (if something does not dramatically change in this relationship) and if I go, its pain for a certain period of time, but transient pain... so, decision should be clear... and yet I let myself to dream a bit more, hope that somehow a miracle would happen... but nowadays I dont let myself anymore stay in that dream world for too long. I drag myself back to real world pretty soon, and I know I must at some point leave narcissist anyhow... so why to prolong something that is inevitable.. I dont know, but thats what I seem to be doing... human mind is a mystery.

I have been thinking about all sorts of things during last couple of days, doing a bit of self-analyzing... and I feel that perhaps I can now understand the reasons which have kept me in this relationship. I will tell about them a bit later, now I must go. Narcissist will be back after few days, I hope I have been able to finish my thought processes by then, and that it would be clear to me what I should do next... I know I should be strong enough to tell narcissist that I wish we finish this relationship... and I wish I can be strong enough not to try to ask narcissist to try to make it work one more time, if narcissist tells he wants to finish relationship as well...

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.

Can a narcissist feel love?

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.

Why is it so difficult to end relationship with a narcissist?

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Narcissist has now left town again for 1-2 weeks. I feel actually very relieved... I feel like a child who is left home alone for couple days while parents go for holiday. Whole house just for me, no fear of shouting, no criticism, no arguments.... what a freedom!! Its of courtse sad that I feel like this, it just shows that this relationship no longer brings me any positive feeling... my wish for new year is that I will ahve enough strength to leave and when I do, not to look back. This I wish from all my heart.

I have been doing much thinking and will do some more now when narcissist is away. I have tried hard to change my "fixed" thought patterns... because that is the source of all problems, in a way my own brain is keeping me a prisoner: I have had this illusion of love, and I have so much wanted to hold on to it, almost at ANY cost... It takes a long time to change the way one thinks, but it can be done.
Another promise for this year is, that I concentrate to myself more, i will try to get to know myself better and find out what my wishes and dreams truly are (I know this kind of life is not what I wished for). And then I will try to pursue the life that I truly want. Life goes fast, another year went by so unexpectedly... I dont want to be sorry after tens of years, thinking that I "wasted" my life with narcissistic and mentally abusive man who might in the end leave me without any remorse, if he finds another "narcissistic supply", once I have "dried out"... There have already been signs which imply that narcissist has started to look for another woman, who would provide unconditional admiration and new excitement to him... I feel narcissist is little by little starting to feel bored in this relationship, since things are starting to be "routine". The excitement of the beginning of the relationship is gone.. and I think that was what kept narcissist "ticking"...

I dont want to be depressed, stressed and anxious for years to come because of the problems in (perhaps hopeless) relationship... So, I wish I will soon find a strength to leave!! I am feeling more hopeful now than for a long time... Dont know why, perhaps its effect of a new year... I try to start this new year with hopeful, curious and expecting feeling, hoping life will for change bring more pleasant surprises to my way..! :)

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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