I am drunk... analyzing my relationship with narcissistic spouse

Ok, as I said in title, I am a bit drunk right now, so following should be processed through some sorts of filters...

Tonight I felt both bad and good about my narcissistic spouse. We went to a party together, and there narcissist met his ex, and I felt she gave me a pretty bad look while she was talking to him, so I took off at one point... this was not a protest, I was supposed to leave at one point to my work, and we were supposed to call each other afterwards. My narcissistic spouse did not even realize what happened... When we later talked on phone, he said I was imagining things when I said she gave me a bad look.

Well, after thinking about it carefully it can be that she wasnt looking directly to me, she and my spouse were sitting together a bit further away when this happened, but she was looking at my direction, with grim look on her face, and I really did think she saw me and didnt like to see me there... this thing between me and this ex is a bit complicated, I have not really talked to her at all, since my spouse has said that she is still very upset about their break-up, and that I should not go talk to her, since she feels bad about thinking of me and him together... I know it sounds strange, but thats what my spouse has said, and somehow I have went along with it...

Anyways, so I left and came home alone, sent my spouse a txt message that I am waiting for him to call me, and he did call me after a while. He sounded very loving, sounded very surprised that his ex had gave me a bad look (if she did it, of which I cannot be sure, so I dont want to accuse her without solid proof :), was very polite, friendly, etc, and wanted me to join the group of people who was going out tonight... I said I was already at home, and said I will wait for him here. He sounded very loving and friendly. His ex was (according to him) not part of the group he was going to continue evening with, and he wanted me to go along with them. I said that I will await for him at home. He said he will call me a bit later.

Now I am here, waiting for my spouse to call or to show up... I dont know why, but I feel somehow good about his attitude, I feel there might be some hope for us after all the trouble we have been through... He has been very friendly during last couple of days after our severe argument, he seems to understand that there has also been some fault in him (I mean all our problems I have told you before...). That somehow makes me feel good, that my spouse realizes that there is some fault in him as well, that is not all about me... I feel there are so many good things in this relationship, which have been the reason why I have been trying to keep it going... biggest reason of course is that I love him. If I did not, I would have given up long time ago. I just would hope that he would show with his behavior that he loves me too.. If he does, I feel I am ready to be with him until the end... I am exposing my deepest feelings to you now in this internet diary. This is how I feel in my heart. I know some of you think this is crazy. Also I know some of you recognize themselves in my writing...

I know there are so many relationships in this world which are not ideal, and people are struggling trying to decide whether they should leave or not... I have been doing the same thing. But something is making us to stay with these partners of ours, even when they treat us badly... what is it? Love? Addiction? I dont know, but I am trying to find out... come back again to read my story as it continues, and maybe we will discover it together... maybe I will end up leaving this man, or he leaves me, I dont know what will happen... or maybe we will stay together... follow my story and you will find out! And maybe it will help you in your own relationship.

We are not alone, there are countless of numbers of people in this world struggling with these same issues at this very moment... lets support each other! We deserve happiness, no matter in which form it will come to us..! I wish my story will help someone out there to see his/her situation more clearly! We humans are all alike... I am like you, you are like me. I wish I knew you, who are reading this blog! I wish I was able to talk to you and share experiences! Maybe one day we are able to do it :) Lets keep in touch! Keep on reading my story, maybe some day we will meet in person or talk over skype or over phone, that would be fantastic!!!! Love you all. Take care. Lets not give up!!!!

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.

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About jealousy

I have been thinking about jealousy today, tried to understand what is the reason for it... I think jealousy is mostly due to fear of losing something. This may sound like stating a self-evident fact, but I think many people have not truly bothered to analyze themselves when they feel unpleasant feelings, they are just suffering of jealousy, without realizing what is causing it.

Knowledge is power, and that power helps to get rid of bad feelings! I too have been experiencing jealousy in my relationship. But now I have decided to train myself "out of this bad habit", I want to free myself of everything that is unpleasant and that is preventing me from being fully happy (when I say that I am thinking of the rest of my life, not merely this relationship I now am in... I dont know if we are going to stay together or not, right now I am too confused to make any decision, but regardless of that, I want to learn to control my own feelings, for the sake of myself and for my future happiness! :)

I realized that in the end its pointless to feel jealousy, because if something is going to happen, it will happen anyway... so its pointless to worry about things beforehand, right? :) Anything can happen in life, we can die tomorrow, so why not to enjoy this moment, instead of wasting life in worrying and being afraid..! Of course its easier said than done, I know. But I believe its possible to train my brain to think in a new way and truly become the master of my own feelings, so that for example problems in a relationship cannot crush me :) I am going to start this process of training my brain, and I will keep you updated about the process :)

Tired...

I have been so disoriented during last few days... I dont know what to do. On the other hand I want to leave my narcissistic spouse, but a thought of leaving makes me so sad... I dont have strength to do it... I have not even had strength to write here, I have been so tired. I will try to write more soon... and tell what will happen to us...

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.

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