Sad thoughts about mental abuse and relationship with narcissistic spouse

I have found it very hard to concentrate on my work lately due to problems in personal life... I promised to write more about what happened after our argument, but I will try to do it in next post. Now I feel I just want to write about how I feel right now. I think these feelings are very common to everyone who are dealing with similar problems in their relationship.

I feel very stressed physically. My stomach is aching, it feels as if my head is very heavy, sad thoughts are filling my mind, I cannot concentrate or find happiness in anything. If only there was a way for me to coexist peacefully with my narcissistic spouse, that is all I would want. But it seems he is not the kind of a man with whom I can never, and I mean NEVER, feel happy, carefree and trusting. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, and if that starts to fade, its the beginning of an end... so it seems to be in this case as well.

Ok, let me tell you a bit of what happened after our argument. As I said couple days ago, I had already decided to leave and move out from our home, but I found it very hard to actually start to do the arrangements for this. I was extremely sad when thinking that our relationship was over...

After couple days had passed, things started to calm down between us, and I had a feeling that perhaps I was able to live together with my narcissistic spouse in that apartment until I find my own place. It was in a way horrible to realize that I started to have thoughts in the back of my mind that "perhaps we could somehow get over this crisis, and live peacefully and happy...". But in the same time I know very well that a narcissist can never change. Narcissist will continue to be as he is, he can never change those things in him which hurt me.

Why, then, the decision of leaving is not crystal clear in my head? When I think logically, it should be such an easy decision, of course I should leave... but leaving is so hard, so crushing, so sad... staying seems to be "easiest" way, even tho in a long run I know it is very wrong decision... this relationship feels a bit like a drug (even tho I never tried drugs, but I imagine it must feel the same..) in that sense that if I think of leaving my narcissistic spouse, I start to have physical withdrawal symptoms, pain in stomach, feelings of depression and anxiety... and then if I imagine that things could be worked out, those withdrawal symptoms disappear... but not completely, because i know in my heart that narcissist cannot change, these situations keep coming also in future, narcissist gets upset about tiny things, he shouts at me, he slowly destroys my self-esteem...

The big question is do I let that happen, am I so weak that I cannot break free, protect the integrity of my mind by leaving? I always thought I was a strong person, but now I feel so weak... I know I should leave, but its so HARD to make that decision... I feel like a boat floating towards deadly waterfall, helpless, unable to save myself... I wish I will find a strength in me to break free! I must really start to train my head to become stronger person, to control my emotions and to get back on the horse again.... I want to be happy in my relationship, not sad, depressed, anxious etc...

Sometimes I have seen some friends to be in similar situation in which I now find myself to be in. Its so easy to see from outside what a person should do, but when you are inside that situation yourself, your judgment and common sense are clouded by your desperate hopes of somehow being able to find a way to live happily with your significant other... I guess I now understand a bit better why people stay in horrible relationships where there is constant beating etc (luckily my narcissistic spouse is not really violent, or at list he has not been until this day...).

I feel right now so bad, so helpless and depressed about this situation. I dont know what is going to happen. I must clear my thoughts. I will write back here soon and keep you posted on what is going on... I wish my story helps someone out there to see their own situation more clearly. You are not alone with your heartache and sadness...

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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