Narcissistic spouse is coming back in few days...

Well, as I said earlier my narcissistic spouse is coming back home by the end of this week... after being away for quite a while (due to work). I have mixed feelings about it. There is part of me that is wishing i could somehow forget all the bad times and insults... and then there is a part that understands that its not possible, that no matter what happens in the future, I can never respect and trust my narcissistic spouse again the way I did in the beginning of our relationship... and perhaps this is a good thing, perhaps evolution has created this mechanism to protect us: if someone has show you with his behavior that he cannot be trusted, you would be a fool if you did trust him again, right (unless of course if he really shows with his actions and attitude that he has changed)?

I have been reading recently quite a bit of stories of other people (from various discussion forums) who are in similar situation than me, and it really helps to realize that there are others out there who are asking all the same questions that I am asking. Its funny how it always takes time for a human mind to fully understand whats best for us...

I am in away a bit afraid of the moment when my narcissistic spouse is going to step in after few days... I would so much want to believe that there will not be any arguments, but past has shown me that there always will be... So, I have tried to be mentally prepared that we may break up before Christmas. In a way it would be easier if narcissist was the one to make that decision (of breaking up), on the other hand it might be better for my self-esteem if I was the one who is leaving narcissist, and not other way around... Even tho I imagine narcissist is going to present the case to his friends in such a way that it was narcissist who left me, no matter what really happened... Narcissist never wants to appear weak in the eyes of others.

So, it will be rather interesting time during next few weeks. I will keep writing this diary, it helps me to cope with my feelings...
Amazing how much a simple act of writing can help!

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