Why are we "loving" narcissists?

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I have been thinking today about many things related to relationship with narcissist... I went to see a nice movie yesterday, it was about love and loving and it made me think. In a movie older woman is advising younger woman to follow her heart instead of her mind when she is deciding whether to stay with her husband (towards whom she does not have strong feelings) or go to be with a passionate lover who she really loves. She is very conservative and ends up staying with her husband (which is of course very respectable decision!). But you can see that in the end she is not happy. She knows something fundamentally important is missing from her life. She has no feelings towards her husband. She feels empty and lonely inside.

I realized last night that I have actually not been in love with "my" narcissist for long, long time. Narcissist had become a part of my life since I had been with him for so long, and of course in the beginning there were strong emotions. I have been holding on to this relationship because I have wanted to hold on to those emotions, which I imagined were there. But now I realize that they do not really exist. I know that they were real for me in the beginning, about narcissist I do not know. I think narcissist did "love" me in his way in the beginning, but it was that kind of "fast" love that narcissists always feel. Narcissist became excited about me very fast, and the fact that I was excited of him as well made him fall for me even more strongly, because that was like fuel for the fire of his ego.

But then the behavior of narcissist changed. I remained strongly in love and kept showing my emotions to him. But narcissist grew gradually colder and started to behave in very cruel way towards me and abuse me emotionally. Narcissist did not care at all how I would feel about something. He would constantly complain, insult and mock. Of course in the beginning of our relationship narcissist would say that I was the "best woman he ever met", and that I could "read him" and "deal with him in gentle way and calm him down fast" when he gets upset, and that those things made him love me even more. But now all that is gone. Now narcissist says I am a horrible person, my personality is horrible, etc. So everything has changed.

Until yesterday I think I have been keeping this small foolish hope alive that perhaps somehow magically we could stay together with narcissist. But then I had unpleasant conversation with him on phone and also I saw that movie, which really made me think that I would so much want to have real LOVE in my life, not this kind of horrible emptiness, loneliness and sadness I am now experiencing. I would like to fall in love head over heels and receive love back. I would like to have a fresh relationship where emotions would be "pure" and not corrupted by memories of horrible events in past, shouting, insults, lying, other women etc.

I know that it is always a risk to get into new relationship, bad things can always happen, but frankly I think at this moment that nothing can be worse than this. Even if my future partner cheats on me, if he at list is behaving friendly towards me instead of this horrible inhuman behavior I am now experiencing, then I would feel that relationship has been worthwhile to live through, even if it would end. Now I see my past year as filled with mostly suffering and anxiety. So I think even if my future relationship (if I am lucky enough to find one) is not perfect, it still most likely will be SO MUCH better than this one that I have now left behind.

I am waiting for spring and summer to come..! I am emptying my brain from past, cleaning my mind after narcissist, getting rid of all old emotions towards him, so that I could fall in love again... I want to fall in love again (well who doesnt ;), I so much wish it would happen to me...! :)


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