Thoughts of leaving narcissistic spouse

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I feel like my mind is in a roller-coaster... Narcissist has now been away for couple days, and as I said, I have actually felt good being on my own.. I have kind of enjoyed this freedom, silence and peace :) I have also been thinking about this situation... I feel that no matter what I decide, I will end up facing pain... if I stay, its continuous pain for years to come (if something does not dramatically change in this relationship) and if I go, its pain for a certain period of time, but transient pain... so, decision should be clear... and yet I let myself to dream a bit more, hope that somehow a miracle would happen... but nowadays I dont let myself anymore stay in that dream world for too long. I drag myself back to real world pretty soon, and I know I must at some point leave narcissist anyhow... so why to prolong something that is inevitable.. I dont know, but thats what I seem to be doing... human mind is a mystery.

I have been thinking about all sorts of things during last couple of days, doing a bit of self-analyzing... and I feel that perhaps I can now understand the reasons which have kept me in this relationship. I will tell about them a bit later, now I must go. Narcissist will be back after few days, I hope I have been able to finish my thought processes by then, and that it would be clear to me what I should do next... I know I should be strong enough to tell narcissist that I wish we finish this relationship... and I wish I can be strong enough not to try to ask narcissist to try to make it work one more time, if narcissist tells he wants to finish relationship as well...

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