More thoughts about narcissism

Today I had in a way sad and in a way happy day. I felt calm, I was able to get some good things done at work, and generally I didnt feel very depressed... I have felt depressed due to this relationship with my narcissistic spouse for about a year now. It has happened gradually, only now when I look back I realize how bad I have felt because of our problems. Feels like light has slowly disappeared from my life, I have become a sad woman, I no longer get enjoyment out of those things which used to bring me joy. All these things are warning signs which should be taken extremely seriously, I know.

The problems with my narcissistic spouse started about one year ago, when first issues of other women came up. I have not caught narcissist literally cheating, but he has had emotional affairs, which have insulted me very much. Also there have been some incidents which I am sure would have made some people think that something physical has happened...

For example narcissist has been sleeping in same bed with another woman, after going out and drinking with this woman (narcissist of course claims that nothing happened), and also he has been getting couple new female friends during last year, with whom he has been going to bars etc. Also narcissist has admitted that something "half-romantic" happened with one of these women, but he claims that he is not interested in her. Anyways, I feel his behavior towards me has been pretty impolite in many ways, these were just some examples. Why, then have I stayed with my narcissistic spouse? Well, he claims that he is not looking for another woman, that he is not even thinking about it, that he wants to try his best to make our relationship to work, that he cares about me.... and up to this point I have always tried to believe him, until next horrible argument has emerged, leaving me with hopeless, empty feeling...

There are also other reasons why I have stayed this long with my narcissistic spouse, trying my best to make it work... biggest reason of course is that I feel I am still emotionally attached to my narcissistic spouse. But I have started to realize that it is not really narcissist to whom I am attached, but merely to an image of him, which I created before I even got to know him well. Now narcissist has shown his true face to me, and he is not the kind of person I thoughts he was. But letting go of my ideal image of narcissist is very hard... its hard for human being to admit "ok, I was wrong, I failed, I could not reach this person and make him realize how wonderful thing he had going with me, and that he blew it up with his ignorance, and that its so sad, because it didnt have to happen"... I guess that is the reason why people stay in horrible, abusive relationships.

My narcissistic spouse is not violent (not really violent), but he is definitely mentally abusive person, so in a way this situation is comparable with those relationships where there is violence... for some reason it is so hard to leave, even tho one knows its not good to stay. But after leaving an abusive relationship, I have never heard anyone say they regret they left, not a single person. Only thing everyone seem to regret is that they did not leave sooner... thats something to think about.

Of course there are also good times, and good sides in my spouse. I like some aspects in him very much. Of course, why else would I still be with him..! But I dont know if this is enough to keep relationship going... sometimes love is just not enough, it does not matter how much you love someone, some people just cannot live together... I have started to think perhaps we are one of those couples. But I dont know how this is going to end, because I seem to be too weak to walk away at this point.. perhaps more time, and more arguments will make me stronger. It remains to be seen...

Ps. I found this great website dealing with narcissism, take a look if you suspect your partner could be a narcissist:
thepsychopath.freeforums.org

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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