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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Today I have had a pretty good day. Sun has been shining and it has really cheered me up :) I feel I am starting to finally "get there", with small steps. I have enjoyed spending time with friends and family, I really mean enjoyed, smiled and laughed from all my heart. This really feels like a new start!! :)
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
New beginning... :) Life without narcissistic spouse
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
Hi again! Sorry for being away for so long, I had a small accident and I had to be away from computer for a while. It was nothing serious, and now I have recovered and wanted to give a small update of what is going on.
Narcissist has left town and I have mixed feelings. But as the spring is slowly approaching and weather gets warmer every day, I feel new hope in me. I am thinking of narcissist less and less, and I have started to train myself to think in such away that life without narcissist is truly better than life with narcissist. We did talk before he left that its best to finish relationship, but I think narcissist simply does not believe that I would really do it. But this time I feel I have strength to stay in my decision..!
I still wake up every morning with depressed feeling, but nowadays I seem to be able to brush it aside faster and faster.. I simply tell myself "I am happy living without narcissist" every morning, and little by little I am starting to believe it.. :) I have also been looking at apartments, and now I no longer feel depressed because of the idea that I would be living alone, without narcissist... I find myself to be actually excited when I think how I would build my own, safe "nest" , where I dont have to be afraid of anything or anyone, no one is shouting or criticizing etc... its a wonderful feeling :)
I have also bad days, when I feel desperate, depressed, want to go back to old times even tho I know its impossible... things can never be the way they once were. That is perhaps the most important realization I have had, that even if I was able to be with narcissist, and narcissist would change his behavior completely, I dont think I could ever again feel towards him the way I did... this is the point when "first excitement" (which has lasted first few years of relationship) has passed and chemical reactions in brain have been "normalized", and mere excitement can no longer carry relationship onwards... this is the moment when true companionship and love should emerge and form, and in best case that bond will last a lifetime. With narcissist nothing like that is possible, because narcissist does not respect me, narcissist is not friendly, narcissist doesnt make me feel warm, good, trusting, on the contrary narcissist makes me feel negative... so, when I think about things logically, I know there is no other way but the one which I am taking. That is a comforting thought.
I wish I would fall in love again, this time with someone who is more like me, who can be kind and caring, who would truly love me and who I could truly love.. I dont know if I will ever find a person like that, but I wish I do. Lets see. I am thinking of ways to meet new people and make new friends. I want to get new things in my life, things that bring me joy. I want to get rid of this depression due to ending of a relationship with a narcissistic spouse...
Well, lets see how following weeks will go. As I said, narcissist doesnt seem to think that I am ever able to leave. He is calling me often, but I have not wanted to talk to him much on phone now during last several days. When I hear his voice, it makes me feel sick in my stomach. So I have avoided that. But I have been friendly and neutral, I feel thats the simples for me. I dont want to make narcissist angry or hostile towards me, he could make my life very difficult if he wanted to. So, I am doing my own preparations and mental training for life alone, but I am not telling narcissist about it. I feel this is the moment when I must think of myself, not him. I must think whats best for me. And best for me right now is to be able to arrange my things in peace, without narcissist being all over me causing problems...
There is one thing that clearly shows me I am getting over narcissist. Before I used to miss narcissist when he wasnt at home for long time. Now I am happy to be alone, I enjoy peace and quiet. That tells me I am not in love with my narcissistic spouse anymore as strongly as before. I am so glad I have my health, friends, and my peace!
I will let you know how things are progressing in my life! Thank you for reading and for all your comments!!!!!!!
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
Hi again! Sorry for being away for so long, I had a small accident and I had to be away from computer for a while. It was nothing serious, and now I have recovered and wanted to give a small update of what is going on.
Narcissist has left town and I have mixed feelings. But as the spring is slowly approaching and weather gets warmer every day, I feel new hope in me. I am thinking of narcissist less and less, and I have started to train myself to think in such away that life without narcissist is truly better than life with narcissist. We did talk before he left that its best to finish relationship, but I think narcissist simply does not believe that I would really do it. But this time I feel I have strength to stay in my decision..!
I still wake up every morning with depressed feeling, but nowadays I seem to be able to brush it aside faster and faster.. I simply tell myself "I am happy living without narcissist" every morning, and little by little I am starting to believe it.. :) I have also been looking at apartments, and now I no longer feel depressed because of the idea that I would be living alone, without narcissist... I find myself to be actually excited when I think how I would build my own, safe "nest" , where I dont have to be afraid of anything or anyone, no one is shouting or criticizing etc... its a wonderful feeling :)
I have also bad days, when I feel desperate, depressed, want to go back to old times even tho I know its impossible... things can never be the way they once were. That is perhaps the most important realization I have had, that even if I was able to be with narcissist, and narcissist would change his behavior completely, I dont think I could ever again feel towards him the way I did... this is the point when "first excitement" (which has lasted first few years of relationship) has passed and chemical reactions in brain have been "normalized", and mere excitement can no longer carry relationship onwards... this is the moment when true companionship and love should emerge and form, and in best case that bond will last a lifetime. With narcissist nothing like that is possible, because narcissist does not respect me, narcissist is not friendly, narcissist doesnt make me feel warm, good, trusting, on the contrary narcissist makes me feel negative... so, when I think about things logically, I know there is no other way but the one which I am taking. That is a comforting thought.
I wish I would fall in love again, this time with someone who is more like me, who can be kind and caring, who would truly love me and who I could truly love.. I dont know if I will ever find a person like that, but I wish I do. Lets see. I am thinking of ways to meet new people and make new friends. I want to get new things in my life, things that bring me joy. I want to get rid of this depression due to ending of a relationship with a narcissistic spouse...
Well, lets see how following weeks will go. As I said, narcissist doesnt seem to think that I am ever able to leave. He is calling me often, but I have not wanted to talk to him much on phone now during last several days. When I hear his voice, it makes me feel sick in my stomach. So I have avoided that. But I have been friendly and neutral, I feel thats the simples for me. I dont want to make narcissist angry or hostile towards me, he could make my life very difficult if he wanted to. So, I am doing my own preparations and mental training for life alone, but I am not telling narcissist about it. I feel this is the moment when I must think of myself, not him. I must think whats best for me. And best for me right now is to be able to arrange my things in peace, without narcissist being all over me causing problems...
There is one thing that clearly shows me I am getting over narcissist. Before I used to miss narcissist when he wasnt at home for long time. Now I am happy to be alone, I enjoy peace and quiet. That tells me I am not in love with my narcissistic spouse anymore as strongly as before. I am so glad I have my health, friends, and my peace!
I will let you know how things are progressing in my life! Thank you for reading and for all your comments!!!!!!!
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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