Well, I have not moved out yet... we have been able to talk to each other as civilized people, my narcissistic spouse has been apologizing his behavior, we have even been intimate... but somehow my feeling towards my spouse is not the same. I nowadays perceive my spouse as person with disorder (narcissism) and it has flattened my feeling. I still feel "love" and attachment, but somehow the joy that was there in the beginning of our relationship has disappeared.
I remember how I felt when we had just met, how much in love I was with my spouse, there was nothing bitter, nothing bad, no sadness, no suspicion, no mistrust... I felt loved and happy. There was no lies, betrayal, other women, mental abuse, narcissistic rage or any of those things. Now I no longer feel as I did back then. I believe my narcissistic spouse cares about me in his own way, the way a narcissistic person can care about somebody, but that is not the same way I care about him. I feel my spouse does not love me as much as I love him (yes, unfortunately despite all that has happened, I still feel love towards my spouse... I wish I didnt, I wish there was a button I could press to stop my feeling, but unfortunately there is no such button). I realize that a narcissist can never love another person more than he loves himself. Well, that is what narcissism is all about so it should not be a surprise for me, since I have known for a long time that he is a narcissist... :(
So, I feel very confused now... I cannot start the mourning process, because I am still in a way "together" with my narcissistic spouse (we live in same apartment, are behaving normally towards each other, have been intimate as I said, etc..). But I cannot be totally happy either, because these things are in my mind, clouding my thoughts... I cannot forget his narcissistic rage attacks, his insults and mocking, shouting and all that mental and verbal abuse.
I will get back soon to tell how things are improving.... I am pessimistic, I feel its only a matter of time when there will be next big argument. Sadly a narcissist can never change. Like for example tonight my narcissistic spouse got invited to a party organized by his friend, and I imagine he would want me to go with him, so that everything would seem "normal" to these friends... Appearing normal is very important for a narcissist. But I dont feel like going. Usually if I refuse to go somewhere with my narcissistic spouse, he gets angry and upset and has narcissistic rage attack. Lets see what happens now... I certainly dont want to go, I feel unpleasant about the idea of going because my spouse has been insulting and mocking me also in front of these people. I dont want to go there as some kind of a puppet, who is again happy because narcissist decided to be nice for change... no thanks!
I will get back soon, until then take care and lots of hugs!
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Friday, October 3, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Sad thoughts about mental abuse and relationship with narcissistic spouse
I have found it very hard to concentrate on my work lately due to problems in personal life... I promised to write more about what happened after our argument, but I will try to do it in next post. Now I feel I just want to write about how I feel right now. I think these feelings are very common to everyone who are dealing with similar problems in their relationship.
I feel very stressed physically. My stomach is aching, it feels as if my head is very heavy, sad thoughts are filling my mind, I cannot concentrate or find happiness in anything. If only there was a way for me to coexist peacefully with my narcissistic spouse, that is all I would want. But it seems he is not the kind of a man with whom I can never, and I mean NEVER, feel happy, carefree and trusting. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, and if that starts to fade, its the beginning of an end... so it seems to be in this case as well.
Ok, let me tell you a bit of what happened after our argument. As I said couple days ago, I had already decided to leave and move out from our home, but I found it very hard to actually start to do the arrangements for this. I was extremely sad when thinking that our relationship was over...
After couple days had passed, things started to calm down between us, and I had a feeling that perhaps I was able to live together with my narcissistic spouse in that apartment until I find my own place. It was in a way horrible to realize that I started to have thoughts in the back of my mind that "perhaps we could somehow get over this crisis, and live peacefully and happy...". But in the same time I know very well that a narcissist can never change. Narcissist will continue to be as he is, he can never change those things in him which hurt me.
Why, then, the decision of leaving is not crystal clear in my head? When I think logically, it should be such an easy decision, of course I should leave... but leaving is so hard, so crushing, so sad... staying seems to be "easiest" way, even tho in a long run I know it is very wrong decision... this relationship feels a bit like a drug (even tho I never tried drugs, but I imagine it must feel the same..) in that sense that if I think of leaving my narcissistic spouse, I start to have physical withdrawal symptoms, pain in stomach, feelings of depression and anxiety... and then if I imagine that things could be worked out, those withdrawal symptoms disappear... but not completely, because i know in my heart that narcissist cannot change, these situations keep coming also in future, narcissist gets upset about tiny things, he shouts at me, he slowly destroys my self-esteem...
The big question is do I let that happen, am I so weak that I cannot break free, protect the integrity of my mind by leaving? I always thought I was a strong person, but now I feel so weak... I know I should leave, but its so HARD to make that decision... I feel like a boat floating towards deadly waterfall, helpless, unable to save myself... I wish I will find a strength in me to break free! I must really start to train my head to become stronger person, to control my emotions and to get back on the horse again.... I want to be happy in my relationship, not sad, depressed, anxious etc...
Sometimes I have seen some friends to be in similar situation in which I now find myself to be in. Its so easy to see from outside what a person should do, but when you are inside that situation yourself, your judgment and common sense are clouded by your desperate hopes of somehow being able to find a way to live happily with your significant other... I guess I now understand a bit better why people stay in horrible relationships where there is constant beating etc (luckily my narcissistic spouse is not really violent, or at list he has not been until this day...).
I feel right now so bad, so helpless and depressed about this situation. I dont know what is going to happen. I must clear my thoughts. I will write back here soon and keep you posted on what is going on... I wish my story helps someone out there to see their own situation more clearly. You are not alone with your heartache and sadness...
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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I feel very stressed physically. My stomach is aching, it feels as if my head is very heavy, sad thoughts are filling my mind, I cannot concentrate or find happiness in anything. If only there was a way for me to coexist peacefully with my narcissistic spouse, that is all I would want. But it seems he is not the kind of a man with whom I can never, and I mean NEVER, feel happy, carefree and trusting. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, and if that starts to fade, its the beginning of an end... so it seems to be in this case as well.
Ok, let me tell you a bit of what happened after our argument. As I said couple days ago, I had already decided to leave and move out from our home, but I found it very hard to actually start to do the arrangements for this. I was extremely sad when thinking that our relationship was over...
After couple days had passed, things started to calm down between us, and I had a feeling that perhaps I was able to live together with my narcissistic spouse in that apartment until I find my own place. It was in a way horrible to realize that I started to have thoughts in the back of my mind that "perhaps we could somehow get over this crisis, and live peacefully and happy...". But in the same time I know very well that a narcissist can never change. Narcissist will continue to be as he is, he can never change those things in him which hurt me.
Why, then, the decision of leaving is not crystal clear in my head? When I think logically, it should be such an easy decision, of course I should leave... but leaving is so hard, so crushing, so sad... staying seems to be "easiest" way, even tho in a long run I know it is very wrong decision... this relationship feels a bit like a drug (even tho I never tried drugs, but I imagine it must feel the same..) in that sense that if I think of leaving my narcissistic spouse, I start to have physical withdrawal symptoms, pain in stomach, feelings of depression and anxiety... and then if I imagine that things could be worked out, those withdrawal symptoms disappear... but not completely, because i know in my heart that narcissist cannot change, these situations keep coming also in future, narcissist gets upset about tiny things, he shouts at me, he slowly destroys my self-esteem...
The big question is do I let that happen, am I so weak that I cannot break free, protect the integrity of my mind by leaving? I always thought I was a strong person, but now I feel so weak... I know I should leave, but its so HARD to make that decision... I feel like a boat floating towards deadly waterfall, helpless, unable to save myself... I wish I will find a strength in me to break free! I must really start to train my head to become stronger person, to control my emotions and to get back on the horse again.... I want to be happy in my relationship, not sad, depressed, anxious etc...
Sometimes I have seen some friends to be in similar situation in which I now find myself to be in. Its so easy to see from outside what a person should do, but when you are inside that situation yourself, your judgment and common sense are clouded by your desperate hopes of somehow being able to find a way to live happily with your significant other... I guess I now understand a bit better why people stay in horrible relationships where there is constant beating etc (luckily my narcissistic spouse is not really violent, or at list he has not been until this day...).
I feel right now so bad, so helpless and depressed about this situation. I dont know what is going to happen. I must clear my thoughts. I will write back here soon and keep you posted on what is going on... I wish my story helps someone out there to see their own situation more clearly. You are not alone with your heartache and sadness...
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Tuesday, September 30, 2008
After argument with narcissistic spouse
When I said earlier that my narcissistic spouse hit me, I feel I must explain that situation a bit. We had had a big argument couple days before that happened and due to that, I had been a bit quiet and working late during those days. I suspect narcissist had been thinking in his head that I am playing with an idea of leaving him... which I of course had been doing, but I had not spoken to narcissist about my thoughts. In addition to this, narcissist had been having all sorts of trouble at his work, which had also caused narcissist stress. So in a way these things may explain partially why narcissist got o upset so easily, over nothing at all... but of course these things dont justify his bad behavior.
Anyhow, when my narcissistic spouse hit me, it wasnt a hit to the face or anything like that, but narcissist hit me to my back from behind when we were walking on the street. It didnt really hurt me, he didnt hit so hard, I dont know if it was because my narcissistic spouse is not really very strong person physically, or because he did not really mean to hurt me badly, it was just a reaction (but still, a reaction like that should never take place between two human beings!)... I feel narcissist was so overwhelmed by his anger that it came out like that, in a burst. But when it happened, I felt very bad... because I had told myself that if ever a man hits me, its over, immediately.
After hitting me, narcissist left in anger, and I went the other way. As I was walking back towards home, I felt adrenaline rush through my veins. I felt alive, energetic, sad that things ended like that, but very certain that this was the end, because narcissist had hit me to my back, from behind, like a coward, and in public place, so that everyone could see it... and people did see it, they were looking in amazement. I felt very embarrassed because of his behavior.
After this mad behavior, narcissist disappeared for 24 hours. He did not contact me (we live in same apartment) or send a note or anything at all to let me know where he was or that he was not going to come home that night. Next day narcissist called on afternoon. He was calm, but said he did not want to see me. I agreed. Then after a while narcissist nevertheless called me again and we decided to meet.
Narcissist was calm and friendly, and we were able to communicate. Here I must emphasize that my narcissistic spouse had never been violent before, perhaps for that reason I felt comfortable enough to meet him and talk to him. I understand that many of you find it very strange that a woman can agree to meet a man after being treated like that. But when one is in love, the actions are not always "smart" or "sane"... So, we went to eat pizza together and as I said narcissist was friendly, but I had surrealistic feeling, I felt something has been changed, and could not be changed back, ever. I felt very sad. We were smiling and behaving normally, but it was just a show, not real warmth. I felt very sad.
I will continue this story soon, more things happened after that which really made me think...
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
__________________________
Anyhow, when my narcissistic spouse hit me, it wasnt a hit to the face or anything like that, but narcissist hit me to my back from behind when we were walking on the street. It didnt really hurt me, he didnt hit so hard, I dont know if it was because my narcissistic spouse is not really very strong person physically, or because he did not really mean to hurt me badly, it was just a reaction (but still, a reaction like that should never take place between two human beings!)... I feel narcissist was so overwhelmed by his anger that it came out like that, in a burst. But when it happened, I felt very bad... because I had told myself that if ever a man hits me, its over, immediately.
After hitting me, narcissist left in anger, and I went the other way. As I was walking back towards home, I felt adrenaline rush through my veins. I felt alive, energetic, sad that things ended like that, but very certain that this was the end, because narcissist had hit me to my back, from behind, like a coward, and in public place, so that everyone could see it... and people did see it, they were looking in amazement. I felt very embarrassed because of his behavior.
After this mad behavior, narcissist disappeared for 24 hours. He did not contact me (we live in same apartment) or send a note or anything at all to let me know where he was or that he was not going to come home that night. Next day narcissist called on afternoon. He was calm, but said he did not want to see me. I agreed. Then after a while narcissist nevertheless called me again and we decided to meet.
Narcissist was calm and friendly, and we were able to communicate. Here I must emphasize that my narcissistic spouse had never been violent before, perhaps for that reason I felt comfortable enough to meet him and talk to him. I understand that many of you find it very strange that a woman can agree to meet a man after being treated like that. But when one is in love, the actions are not always "smart" or "sane"... So, we went to eat pizza together and as I said narcissist was friendly, but I had surrealistic feeling, I felt something has been changed, and could not be changed back, ever. I felt very sad. We were smiling and behaving normally, but it was just a show, not real warmth. I felt very sad.
I will continue this story soon, more things happened after that which really made me think...
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Some random thoughts about narcissism
I have meant to return to write something here sooner, but I just have not had the energy. I have tried to handle my work and all other things and in the same time I have tried to keep my head together. But many things have happened during last couple of days, and I want to write about them here as soon as I can. I will write more within 24 hours, I want to try to clear all these things in my mind by writing down everything that has happened.
I wish my story and all these experiences in my relationship with narcissistic spouse and thoughts related to those events could help others who are in a relationship with a narcissist to see their situation more clearly and make right decisions in their own life... I will return soon and tell you more about what has happened!
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
I wish my story and all these experiences in my relationship with narcissistic spouse and thoughts related to those events could help others who are in a relationship with a narcissist to see their situation more clearly and make right decisions in their own life... I will return soon and tell you more about what has happened!
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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