Innocence lost to narcissistic spouse

My narcissistic spouse has been out of town for some time now, due to his work, he is returning after one week. In a way I feel its good to have my privacy for a while, to organize my thoughts... I have been doing so much thinking during last couple weeks. I have started to realize that no matter what will happen to this relationship, even if we could somehow stay together and magically work out all these problems, I can never get back the innocence I had in the beginning of this relationship.. :(.

Before this man, I never, ever had trust issues in my relationships. Somehow I was spared from that stuff until now. So, in a way I have been living in an innocent world of a child, where all feelings, including love, are pure... its such a horrible feeling, when you cannot trust someone you love, it has been hard lesson for me to learn.

When I first got to know my narcissistic spouse, I was so much in love with him it was simply overwhelming. I felt he loved me too, and that made my feelings even stronger, typical positive feed-back loop, familiar to so many. We wrote loving emails to each other, called all the time long phone calls, expressed our emotions to each other all the time, felt so good and excited about the idea of sharing future together... At one point we moved to live together, I remember how happy I was when we went to buy some new furniture for our new home. I wasnt happy because of the new furniture, I was happy because I was there looking for them WITH HIM, for our HOME that we shared...you know what I mean, right? You have been there, those first exciting months/ years of relationship when love seems to be all around...

Then something changed, so slowly that I didnt even realize it until after long time had passed. At some point he stopped writing loving emails to me. I still continued, but his responses were short, so in time I stopped doing that too. Also all these arguments started to be more frequent. During first arguments, I was so shocked, I became mental wreck, I just could not face it that my man who I loved so much and who I thought loved me was able to shout to me all those horrible things he did... when he was angry, he could say to me that he no longer loved me and that I was a horrible, unpleasant person, that he wanted me to get the hell out of his life etc.. he was insulting me in so many ways... but then when his anger passed, perhaps after couple days, he could say that he did feel good about me, despite all the arguments, and wanted to stay together and try his best to make it work. So, one day he was showing red light for our relationship ("I dont love you, dont want to be with you" etc), another day he would show green light ("I love you, you are the best woman for me" etc).

I felt like a total mess, I felt I could not build my plans of future with this person, since I could not be sure that he was going to stick with me... this led to feelings of incompetence and insecurity, uncertainty about future etc, and all that lead to great unhappiness and feelings of depression... and that is about the point where I stand now.

I feel that no matter what I do or what my narcissistic spouse does, I cannot get back my loving feeling towards him. There are moments when I feel good and happy and I can think about my narcissistic spouse with warm feelings, but that can all change in a blink of an eye: If a memory of some impolite thing he has done to me surfaces unexpectedly, I feel literally sick in my stomach, physical pain and bottomless sadness... for example if I suddenly remember narcissist doing something improper with some woman (sleeping in same bed with a woman after drinking with her and claiming that nothing happened, or something similar..), I instantly become sad. And those memories can pop up at unexpected times, like in the middle of the dinner with my spouse, and then my mood is spoiled...

I have tried to analyze why this happens, and I think I know why: Before any problems existed, I could say to myself "my spouse really loves me, from all his heart", and that thought gave me such a pleasure, because I loved my spouse so much and when you love somebody, its like taking some drug when you think that the person loves you back, your brain is releasing all those pleasure substances, lifting you above the clouds... you know what i mean.

But now, after all the arguments, after all the shouting and insults from his part, I no longer can say to myself that my spouse loves me "purely". I feel I would be fool if I believed that at this point, so I just cannot make myself to believe he truly cares for me as much as I used to think before... and as a consequence, I feel as if "something has been taken away from me", even tho I never really literally had that something... The sadness I experience is simply grief due to this loss, and mourning something always takes time...

My narcissistic spouse has said to me many times that he does not love me. I have never said this to him, not a single time. Even if there is an argument, I am never saying anything mean to my spouse, I merely try to defend myself against his horrible accusations. I never attack back. I feel that if I love somebody, I could never intentionally hurt and insult that person, least of all say that I dont love him, which is the worst thing one can hear if one is in love...

I never do those things, but he has no problem doing them. So, my illusions of "pure love" between us have been taken away, forever. And that is what I mean when I said in the beginning of this message, that I feel I have lost the innocence at list when it comes to this relationship, that things can never be the same again, even if my narcissistic spouse would change completely and never insult me again... the memories will always stay with me. However, they dont have to hount me. If I stay with my spouse, our life together will be different, even if things will improve. Different does not necessarily mean worse. But only time will tell how things will go...

Perhaps its good that these things happened, this has really made me grow as a human being... as I said, before I have never faced any trust issues in relationship. This has forced me to grow stronger, more independent... I have started to realize, that my happiness cannot be dependent on anyone else, I am the center piece of my life, even if my man does not love me its not the end of the world, then I just move on... and even if I will not find someone I can love and who loves me back, that cannot prevent me from being happy! We create our own happiness, I can decide what is happy life for me. I dont have to be dependent on anyone, least of all of someone who is making me feel depressed and unhappy and who does not seem to respect me...

Its so helpful to be able to write down my thoughts here! I will get back soon :)

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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