______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Thank you so much for your comments! I really appreciate them. I know how this situation must seem to outside, when you only get to listen to sad stuff I am writing here... The truth is that sometimes there are good times, sometimes there are bad times. But of course there should not be bad times like this in relationship. As I have said, I am in no position to make diagnosis of anyone, since I am not MD, but based on everything I have read about narcissism, I feel this man really fits to the picture very well.
Someone commented here earlier, that if a narcissist is being abandoned by everyone, then he has zero changes to get better, ever.... only with support of someone close to him he has a change to improve. But in many cases narcissist will not improve, no matter what (even tho in some cases improvement is possible). I feel that I have been trying so long, that I can now say that with this man there is no chances for significant improvement... I guess I have somehow hoped that things could again be as they were in beginning.. but the truth is that so much negative stuff has happened during last year, that I feel I cannot take it, not for the rest of my life.
Yes, you are right, perhaps the best solution would be just do decision fast, and not to try to slowly get over my feeling towards narcissist first... I have just tried to avoid that heartache, which I know will follow when I break up with narcissist. But perhaps that is the right decision, to accept that there will be heartache, and deal with it, ant then go on with my life. Writing to this blog and getting your comments has given me more strength. Thank you for your words, I am not offended at all by anything you say, I know this is not healthy situation for me and I feel its good that someone is saying these things to me directly, that "shakes me up" a bit.. :)
So, I will now start to seriously plan my leaving in practice. How to do things in right way. I must try to remind me that its not really narcissist who I am missing, but I am missing my own illusion of the way narcissist was in the beginning of this relationship. I think some wise person commented like this at some point in this blog. I think it is true. The reason why its so hard to leave is because I am so attached to my "good" memories... But i must try to take them as they are, mere memories, nothing more than that. I must learn to separate present and past. And I am not missing "present him", I am missing "past him". I wish I can hold on to this thought...
I am so happy every time you are commenting on my writings, it really gives me strength, thank you so very much!!! :)
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Saturday, January 17, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Detaching myself from narcissist
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
My narcissistic spouse is again out of town for some time. Things went ok when narcissist was around, no arguments. Narcissist was very loving and kept saying how he wants to be with me forever etc. But I feel in my heart its too late. Unfortunately I dont think I am able to forget and forgive all that narcissist has done. Too much has happened...
I have had this strange feeling for some time now, that my narcissistic spouse is somehow indifferent character to me. I do feel very sad if I think we must go apart, but I no longer feel devastated. Actually, when I think of doing things with my narcissistic spouse, I feel slightly disgusted... I no longer enjoy doing things with narcissist. Then, periodically, I feel I can enjoy the company of narcissist, but simply as a "friend". Somehow it seems that my narcissistic spouse is important person to me, because he has been in my life for so long, but I no longer think of narcissist as my partner in life. I feel I am slowly getting back the control of my own life, and it feels good! I am again enjoying when I do things with my friends, and I am looking forward to summer :)
Now you may wonder, that what the hell I am still doing living with my narcissistic spouse, if I have this kind of feelings... I dont have straightforward answer to that. I feel that even tho I am well on the way to recovery and "letting go"- phase, I am not yet quite there... still I feel sadness, and reluctance, if I think of separation and break-up. But slowly I feel it has started to change... So, I have been thinking that I will wait a bit, also because I dont want to put extra burden on me just now in form of moving. I need to concentrate on my work for some time now, since it has not been going well. My narcissistic spouse is not going to be around very much, so it makes it easier for me to get used to idea of being on my own.
Some of you may think that this is not a good strategy, that I should definitely leave my narcissistic spouse as soon as possible... But I have played around with that idea, and it feels that now the best thing for me is to wait a bit, and let my mind realize on its own that the best thing is to go our separate ways. If narcissist was living constantly with me, of course I would make this decision faster... but he is not. Also, I am not misleading narcissist, I am not going to look for another relationship until I really break up with narcissist.
Some might say that this what I am now doing is bad behavior from my part, that if I have thoughts like this, I should tell my narcissistic spouse about it... but strangely, I feel I get some kind of strange "satisfaction" when I think that narcissist no longer controls me, that I have a will of my own and plans of my own, which narcissist has no idea of, and that it will be ME who will decide when I will leave, not narcissist breaking up with me... I dont know why, but this thought helps me to feel that I still have some self-esteem left.. that narcissist hasnt been able to mentally beat it all out of me.
I will let you know how things improve. I am sure that life will smile to me again. I just must find a way to leave this relationship in "right way"...
As I said before, some of you may think that this kind of behavior is not right from my part, that I should just leave my narcissistic spouse. But different things work for different people. This seems to work for me.. I really feel i deserve to feel for a moment that I am in control of the situation, instead of the situation controlling me.... also, only those who have been in mentally abusive relationship with a narcissistic spouse or person who has narcissistic features, know how difficult it is to leave, even tho you know in your mind that is the right solution. It takes time to break that emotional bond, even if other person has been mentally abusing you... Human mind is a mystery.
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
My narcissistic spouse is again out of town for some time. Things went ok when narcissist was around, no arguments. Narcissist was very loving and kept saying how he wants to be with me forever etc. But I feel in my heart its too late. Unfortunately I dont think I am able to forget and forgive all that narcissist has done. Too much has happened...
I have had this strange feeling for some time now, that my narcissistic spouse is somehow indifferent character to me. I do feel very sad if I think we must go apart, but I no longer feel devastated. Actually, when I think of doing things with my narcissistic spouse, I feel slightly disgusted... I no longer enjoy doing things with narcissist. Then, periodically, I feel I can enjoy the company of narcissist, but simply as a "friend". Somehow it seems that my narcissistic spouse is important person to me, because he has been in my life for so long, but I no longer think of narcissist as my partner in life. I feel I am slowly getting back the control of my own life, and it feels good! I am again enjoying when I do things with my friends, and I am looking forward to summer :)
Now you may wonder, that what the hell I am still doing living with my narcissistic spouse, if I have this kind of feelings... I dont have straightforward answer to that. I feel that even tho I am well on the way to recovery and "letting go"- phase, I am not yet quite there... still I feel sadness, and reluctance, if I think of separation and break-up. But slowly I feel it has started to change... So, I have been thinking that I will wait a bit, also because I dont want to put extra burden on me just now in form of moving. I need to concentrate on my work for some time now, since it has not been going well. My narcissistic spouse is not going to be around very much, so it makes it easier for me to get used to idea of being on my own.
Some of you may think that this is not a good strategy, that I should definitely leave my narcissistic spouse as soon as possible... But I have played around with that idea, and it feels that now the best thing for me is to wait a bit, and let my mind realize on its own that the best thing is to go our separate ways. If narcissist was living constantly with me, of course I would make this decision faster... but he is not. Also, I am not misleading narcissist, I am not going to look for another relationship until I really break up with narcissist.
Some might say that this what I am now doing is bad behavior from my part, that if I have thoughts like this, I should tell my narcissistic spouse about it... but strangely, I feel I get some kind of strange "satisfaction" when I think that narcissist no longer controls me, that I have a will of my own and plans of my own, which narcissist has no idea of, and that it will be ME who will decide when I will leave, not narcissist breaking up with me... I dont know why, but this thought helps me to feel that I still have some self-esteem left.. that narcissist hasnt been able to mentally beat it all out of me.
I will let you know how things improve. I am sure that life will smile to me again. I just must find a way to leave this relationship in "right way"...
As I said before, some of you may think that this kind of behavior is not right from my part, that I should just leave my narcissistic spouse. But different things work for different people. This seems to work for me.. I really feel i deserve to feel for a moment that I am in control of the situation, instead of the situation controlling me.... also, only those who have been in mentally abusive relationship with a narcissistic spouse or person who has narcissistic features, know how difficult it is to leave, even tho you know in your mind that is the right solution. It takes time to break that emotional bond, even if other person has been mentally abusing you... Human mind is a mystery.
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
______________________________
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Update of my relationship with a narcissist
______________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
Hi again! I have been doing a lot of "reprogramming" of my mind lately, I have started to get really used to idea of living alone, without my narcissistic spouse... I feel this new way of thinking is slowly implementing into my brain. I feel in the end it will not kill me to go apart. I only wish I will not be sorry about it afterwards, that I will not have second thoughts... but making a "final" decision is really hard... I guess I just wait and let things go to that point on their own weight. I will live my life and concentrate on my own things. I can do this easily, since narcissist is not going to be around so much during next few weeks. It makes it easier for me to get used to life without narcissist. I am trying to train myself not to think about narcissist so much. If a thought of narcissist enters my mind, I will intentionally suppress it. I have noticed that I can do this, it only requires a bit of training. I will teach myself to find happiness in other things in life. I wish all this will help me to get over the grief of ending of a relationship sooner...
I have realized an important point. I have felt very uncomfortable in this relationship with my narcissistic spouse for many reasons, but one reason which I have not realized until now so clearly is that I simply dont trust narcissist. And I think that is the fundamental thing.. I dont mean trust only in terms of cheating. I mean trust in general sense, in subconscious way... I dont trust that narcissist is "there for me" mentally, if I need him. I have experienced that narcissist can easily "let me down" in a way that can be very insulting towards me. I feel that person who should be closest to me in this world, should be the kind of person with whom I feel comfortable, and I can trust that no matter what happens, the person is on my side, and not my enemy. I feel that my narcissistic spouse is not on my side, since he can accuse me, blame me, insult me etc. My narcissistic spouse does things which make me feel bad unexpectedly. In this sense I cannot trust him. This may sound like a simple, self-evident thing, but I have never thought of it that way before. I have been blinded by my "love" towards narcissist.
I have felt bad for a long time in this relationship, but I have not really analyzed WHY I have felt bad... I have wanted to close my eyes because I have thought I "love" my narcissistic spouse so much. Sometimes simple realizations like this can help a lot. So, whenever I feel like I am missing narcissist or something like that, I must remind me of this matter. Narcissist was not worthy of my trust. Narcissist was not there for me. He let me down so many times mentally. Narcissist was mentally violent and abusive. You dont do those things to person you love.
Even tho there maybe some blame in me as well (nobody is perfect, that goes without saying!) there is one fundamental difference between me and my narcissistic spouse. I know I am not an evil person. I never intentionally hurt or mock other person. My narcissistic spouse is not like this. Narcissist does those things even tho he knows other people get hurt. Narcissist shouts and insults and is generally nasty and not sensitive and polite. It seems to be the nature of narcissist. So, I am sorry to say this, but my feeling is that if a person can hurt and insult his partner, that kind of person is "evil person"... there is no excuse for the kind of mental abuse narcissist has been doing to me. And my conclusion is that I dont want to be with a person who is evil and mean. The friends of narcissist would never believe this of him, because to them narcissist is always showing his "best" face.. I remember that is a definition of a narcissist (one of them), that its so important for narcissist to maintain a flawless image of himself in eyes of others, but inside his own home narcissist is a horrible tyrant... everything fits so well to my spouse.
If I cannot rely on my narcissistic spouse, life with him would have been a misery. On the other hand, one should never completely rely on other people... but I feel that at list there should be a feeling in a relationship that if you need emotional support, you will also get it. Now I dont have that feeling at all. Now I feel that I cannot talk to narcissist about my things openly, because I know already in advance that narcissist will not be supportive. Also, I dont feel I enjoy conversation with narcissist. Narcissist is not communicating in same way as I am. Different things are important to narcissist. He is definitely more materialistic than me. I feel in the end we dont have so much in common, after all. Being aware of all these things will help me in getting over the separation...
Next one month will be crucial. I have decided to be friendly towards my narcissistic spouse, but not anymore to say that I want to hold on to relationship. I am going to treat narcissist as a friend, rather than lover. And I will let this relationship slowly fade away. Its so good that narcissist is away due to his work so much nowadays, that its easier for me to concentrate on my own life and to process the separation on my own, without having narcissist living in same house. We have already talked about separation, so narcissist knows my feeling, and has not been objecting to idea so far. Now I must be strong, that I dont change my mind and ask narcissist to continue relationship. I wish I can keep my head this time... Because the longer I stay with mental abuser like my narcissistic spouse, the more I get hurt. I will not let narcissist to destroy my life and self-esteem totally.
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
_____________________________
This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
______________________________
Hi again! I have been doing a lot of "reprogramming" of my mind lately, I have started to get really used to idea of living alone, without my narcissistic spouse... I feel this new way of thinking is slowly implementing into my brain. I feel in the end it will not kill me to go apart. I only wish I will not be sorry about it afterwards, that I will not have second thoughts... but making a "final" decision is really hard... I guess I just wait and let things go to that point on their own weight. I will live my life and concentrate on my own things. I can do this easily, since narcissist is not going to be around so much during next few weeks. It makes it easier for me to get used to life without narcissist. I am trying to train myself not to think about narcissist so much. If a thought of narcissist enters my mind, I will intentionally suppress it. I have noticed that I can do this, it only requires a bit of training. I will teach myself to find happiness in other things in life. I wish all this will help me to get over the grief of ending of a relationship sooner...
I have realized an important point. I have felt very uncomfortable in this relationship with my narcissistic spouse for many reasons, but one reason which I have not realized until now so clearly is that I simply dont trust narcissist. And I think that is the fundamental thing.. I dont mean trust only in terms of cheating. I mean trust in general sense, in subconscious way... I dont trust that narcissist is "there for me" mentally, if I need him. I have experienced that narcissist can easily "let me down" in a way that can be very insulting towards me. I feel that person who should be closest to me in this world, should be the kind of person with whom I feel comfortable, and I can trust that no matter what happens, the person is on my side, and not my enemy. I feel that my narcissistic spouse is not on my side, since he can accuse me, blame me, insult me etc. My narcissistic spouse does things which make me feel bad unexpectedly. In this sense I cannot trust him. This may sound like a simple, self-evident thing, but I have never thought of it that way before. I have been blinded by my "love" towards narcissist.
I have felt bad for a long time in this relationship, but I have not really analyzed WHY I have felt bad... I have wanted to close my eyes because I have thought I "love" my narcissistic spouse so much. Sometimes simple realizations like this can help a lot. So, whenever I feel like I am missing narcissist or something like that, I must remind me of this matter. Narcissist was not worthy of my trust. Narcissist was not there for me. He let me down so many times mentally. Narcissist was mentally violent and abusive. You dont do those things to person you love.
Even tho there maybe some blame in me as well (nobody is perfect, that goes without saying!) there is one fundamental difference between me and my narcissistic spouse. I know I am not an evil person. I never intentionally hurt or mock other person. My narcissistic spouse is not like this. Narcissist does those things even tho he knows other people get hurt. Narcissist shouts and insults and is generally nasty and not sensitive and polite. It seems to be the nature of narcissist. So, I am sorry to say this, but my feeling is that if a person can hurt and insult his partner, that kind of person is "evil person"... there is no excuse for the kind of mental abuse narcissist has been doing to me. And my conclusion is that I dont want to be with a person who is evil and mean. The friends of narcissist would never believe this of him, because to them narcissist is always showing his "best" face.. I remember that is a definition of a narcissist (one of them), that its so important for narcissist to maintain a flawless image of himself in eyes of others, but inside his own home narcissist is a horrible tyrant... everything fits so well to my spouse.
If I cannot rely on my narcissistic spouse, life with him would have been a misery. On the other hand, one should never completely rely on other people... but I feel that at list there should be a feeling in a relationship that if you need emotional support, you will also get it. Now I dont have that feeling at all. Now I feel that I cannot talk to narcissist about my things openly, because I know already in advance that narcissist will not be supportive. Also, I dont feel I enjoy conversation with narcissist. Narcissist is not communicating in same way as I am. Different things are important to narcissist. He is definitely more materialistic than me. I feel in the end we dont have so much in common, after all. Being aware of all these things will help me in getting over the separation...
Next one month will be crucial. I have decided to be friendly towards my narcissistic spouse, but not anymore to say that I want to hold on to relationship. I am going to treat narcissist as a friend, rather than lover. And I will let this relationship slowly fade away. Its so good that narcissist is away due to his work so much nowadays, that its easier for me to concentrate on my own life and to process the separation on my own, without having narcissist living in same house. We have already talked about separation, so narcissist knows my feeling, and has not been objecting to idea so far. Now I must be strong, that I dont change my mind and ask narcissist to continue relationship. I wish I can keep my head this time... Because the longer I stay with mental abuser like my narcissistic spouse, the more I get hurt. I will not let narcissist to destroy my life and self-esteem totally.
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
_____________________________
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