Thoughts about narcissism

Ok, it has been a while since I have been writing here. Many things have happened... I have kept a diary all this time when we have been together with this man, and I was just reading it on one day. I was shocked. If I read that diary as an outsider, I just simply could not understand why this woman is hanging with this guy, why isnt she leaving him. Reading about his anger and small, insignificant things which triggered that anger almost made me laugh at some points. I guess that is a good sign... :)

I have been reading a lot about narcissism lately, and even tho I know I am in no position to make a diagnosis (not a doctor), I still strongly believe that this person has LOTS of narcissist features in him... Here are just some examples:

- He hardly ever asks about my life when we talk on the phone, if we have not seen for a long time. He is either talking about himself, or then he is quiet. If I dont say anything for a while, there is silence. Then maybe he says something, but most likely I will try to keep conversation alive by asking something about his life, then he can again talk about himself.

- His episodes of extreme anger ("anger attacks") seem to be often related to the fact that he feels I have somehow questioned his knowledge or capability. For example if I say "dont worry about that" if he has told me about some problem in his life, he can get very upset, even start shouting, saying that I dont know him at all if I think he is "worrying" about something. "Worrying" to him is equal to "being afraid", and he never, ever can admit of being afraid of anything.

- He does not react to tears. If his shouting has made me cry, it only seems to aggravate his rage. If I try to defend myself verbally, he says "dont try to defend your behavior, you dont need to try to justify yourself", in very impolite manner.

- He can never see anything wrong in his own behavior. Everything is always my fault, due to my personality, which makes him act like that towards me. He claims that he is a good-hearted person, but that I bring out all these bad sides in him... (if this is true, why is he still sticking with me? He is free to go anytime, but he hasnt left... I believe its because he has nothing "better" in sight at this moment, but if he one day has, he will not hesitate to go. Another typical feature for a narcissist.... always looking for provider of "narcissist supply", and so far it has been me...

- He is always talking about how much other people appreciate him. He has been helping some people in his work and he can say things like ""that guy will never forget what I did for him, he will always remember it and appreciate it" etc. Or if he has invited some people out to dinner, he can say "those people really liked me and appreciated what I did for them"... If I was in similar situation, even if I feel that someone has appreciated my actions, I dont feel comfortable talking about it out loud that way... almost like bragging... feels like he needs so much admiration and appreciation from others, that he needs to say those things out loud to make it more "true" for himself, perhaps. Another narcissist trait, I guess...

- He often says "I can feel that you love me extremely much", or "I am so happy that you love me so much" or "you seem to love me like crazy"... he does not say often "I love you". Somehow he seems to get pleasure out of the thought that I love him "like crazy", that boosts his self-esteem...

- There are many more examples, I will write them down later.

I will start to write to this blog more regularly, keep this as my new "diary", so that I can see these sorts of patterns of behavior more clearly... I feel I am now further down this path of breaking free, I am slowly getting there, eventually I know I can let go of him... but I dont want to leave yet, I dont want to go through stress and depression of moving out at this moment (too many important things going on at work etc... they cannot fail. I dont want to let him ruin those things too for me), I dont want to miss him like crazy if I leave now... I want to slowly start to see him as he is, and to realize that I dont have to miss him, once I leave... now I feel I would still miss him very much. I am going to collect these strange features of his into this diary, and by reading this I see him as he really is, definitely not a person worth missing...

Its almost funny, that human mind is sometimes so "weak", that I dont seem to be able to just simply leave, even tho he has shown in so many ways that he does not respect me, most likely does not love me etc... I am "addicted" to my own illusion, image which I created of him before I truly got to know him... I saw him as this charming, caring, polite person... but now I have started to see behind the curtain, to see the ugly side in him, the unemotional, cold, cruel, even slightly sadistic side.

I say sadistic, because I have started to think that perhaps he is getting some sort of twisted pleasure out of being cruel to me. One time I was talking with him via webcam, when he was out of town because of his work, and he was shouting again to me like crazy about something insignificant. I had my webcam off, and I think he did not remember that his was on... I was looking at his face when he was shouting (he wasnt looking at the camera, but looked like a person who thinks he is alone, nobody watching him), and I could swear I saw a trace of smile on his face. Of course it could have been a grimace, due to anger, but it sure looked like a smile to me... that was pretty scary. I felt as if I did not know that person at all...

Ps. I just read what I wrote above and I feel like yes, I am definitely close to being able to break free...! This is not the life I want for me for years to come. I want to feel happy and loved, not depressed and sad... I hope my writings could help others struggling with similar issues, trying to break free from bad relationship, but having hard time doing it... Warm hugs to all of you! It helps to know we are not alone in this :)

It has really helped me to read stories of others in similar situation from various discussion forums. Here are couple good ones if you want to take a look:

thepsychopath.freeforums.org
psychforums.com
curezone.com
divorcesupport.com

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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