Detaching emotionally from narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Ok, I am back again. I feel my emotions have been really going up and down regarding my relationship to narcissist. When I look back, I realize I have been in dark cave for years, buried under depression, anxiety, mistrust, hate/love, insecurity and jealousy due to cold and careless behavior of my narcissistic spouse. I have now learned to observe this narcissist from outside and I see him for what he really is: A sad, insecure, lonely soul, who is defining himself only through others (their acceptance and admiration). I have felt sorry for narcissist, have felt certain kind of "pity" towards him, which has also partially affected my foolish decision to stay with narcissist.

I had already detached myself from "my" narcissistic man, but detachment was not complete, since I was still living in same house with narcissist (even tho he was not here for months, which was the only reason I stayed). I think having all the things in house which reminded me of "good, happy times" together made it more difficult for me to detach mentally from narcissist... But little by little I started to realize that I felt actually quite happy living alone, without my narcissistic spouse looming over me like some horrible shadow... But there were always those moments of weakness, when I really missed narcissist and wanted to be with him again.

Then I gave in to my emotions again, and got back together with narcissist at emotional level... But of course the relationship had changed forever. I could no longer feel "unconditional" love towards narcissist, I remembered all the bad things he had done to me. I felt empty and shallow. And that is the point where I am now.

We even had one horrible argument about a week ago, during which narcissist actually attacked me. That was like the final "straw that broke the back of the camel" to me... I did not fight him back, I only defended myself, and so I ended up with bruises while nothing happened to narcissist. I was looking at myself from the mirror and realized for the first time what kind of a monster my narcissistic spouse really is. One just simply does not do this kind of stuff to one they are supposed to "love"...

I want to emphasize that this narcissist has not behaved violently before during this relationship (well there has been couple occasions, but I guess I am so deep in this that I dont even see those occasions as being "real" physical assaults... I feel his intention was not to harm but he somehow "over-reacted"....) But this time narcissist definitely meant to harm. Narcissist clearly was so furious he could not control himself, he felt such strong anger and it came out like that.

I am telling this in order to warn those of you who are out there in a relationship with narcissistic person. It can be that your narcissistic spouse has not yet attacked you, but please keep in mind that with narcissist, you cannot predict these things... I would never have believed my narcissistic spouse could behave like this towards me, and yet he did. I will never forget the crazy shine in the eyes of my narcissistic spouse when he was coming on to me.

The problem now is that narcissist is going to be around for some time in this house. I know what you are now thinking: I should get out as fast as possible. Of course I know that... But it is not that easy in my situation. There are things, which make it very difficult for me to leave. So I have decided to stay for a while and arrange my future in peace. I feel now more strongly than ever before that there can be no future for us. Before I always used to have this small string of hope... But is is gone now.

Now I simply am thinking of myself, and best thing for me is to let narcissist believe that I have again forgiven him his horrible behavior towards me and that all is "well". Narcissist is not going to be around much, so I can live my own life in peace, as I have done during last several weeks. When there is no argument, narcissist is letting me be in peace, he is not constantly on my back, actually he is very pleasant. So it is relatively easy for me to live like this. This has actually been the problem, that narcissist has been so nice and comfortable person when there have not been arguments... But I just cannot take those arguments, that is the problem. Especially when narcissist is never apologizing. Not even after this last argument, when he attacked me.... Narcissist has not even been mentioning it, as if it is a thing of past and forgotten, as it probably is to him.

I am planning to make this summer "The Summer When I Finally Broke Free from Narcissist". Summer is good time for that, sun and warmth are helping my mind and heart to heal. I am going to find my own place and move out sometime this summer. But I am not going to let narcissist to disturb my life any more than he already has. I am not going to let narcissist to force me to move out too fast, I wish to arrange everything so that I will have best possible situation to start my life without him. I am thinking of perhaps buying my own apartment and I want to look for one in peace, I dont want to be rushed with that kind of important thing. I am not going to let narcissist to harm me any longer. It is time to think of myself.

I will get back soon with updates...

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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