Update of my relationship with a narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Hi again! I have been doing a lot of "reprogramming" of my mind lately, I have started to get really used to idea of living alone, without my narcissistic spouse... I feel this new way of thinking is slowly implementing into my brain. I feel in the end it will not kill me to go apart. I only wish I will not be sorry about it afterwards, that I will not have second thoughts... but making a "final" decision is really hard... I guess I just wait and let things go to that point on their own weight. I will live my life and concentrate on my own things. I can do this easily, since narcissist is not going to be around so much during next few weeks. It makes it easier for me to get used to life without narcissist. I am trying to train myself not to think about narcissist so much. If a thought of narcissist enters my mind, I will intentionally suppress it. I have noticed that I can do this, it only requires a bit of training. I will teach myself to find happiness in other things in life. I wish all this will help me to get over the grief of ending of a relationship sooner...

I have realized an important point. I have felt very uncomfortable in this relationship with my narcissistic spouse for many reasons, but one reason which I have not realized until now so clearly is that I simply dont trust narcissist. And I think that is the fundamental thing.. I dont mean trust only in terms of cheating. I mean trust in general sense, in subconscious way... I dont trust that narcissist is "there for me" mentally, if I need him. I have experienced that narcissist can easily "let me down" in a way that can be very insulting towards me. I feel that person who should be closest to me in this world, should be the kind of person with whom I feel comfortable, and I can trust that no matter what happens, the person is on my side, and not my enemy. I feel that my narcissistic spouse is not on my side, since he can accuse me, blame me, insult me etc. My narcissistic spouse does things which make me feel bad unexpectedly. In this sense I cannot trust him. This may sound like a simple, self-evident thing, but I have never thought of it that way before. I have been blinded by my "love" towards narcissist.

I have felt bad for a long time in this relationship, but I have not really analyzed WHY I have felt bad... I have wanted to close my eyes because I have thought I "love" my narcissistic spouse so much. Sometimes simple realizations like this can help a lot. So, whenever I feel like I am missing narcissist or something like that, I must remind me of this matter. Narcissist was not worthy of my trust. Narcissist was not there for me. He let me down so many times mentally. Narcissist was mentally violent and abusive. You dont do those things to person you love.

Even tho there maybe some blame in me as well (nobody is perfect, that goes without saying!) there is one fundamental difference between me and my narcissistic spouse. I know I am not an evil person. I never intentionally hurt or mock other person. My narcissistic spouse is not like this. Narcissist does those things even tho he knows other people get hurt. Narcissist shouts and insults and is generally nasty and not sensitive and polite. It seems to be the nature of narcissist. So, I am sorry to say this, but my feeling is that if a person can hurt and insult his partner, that kind of person is "evil person"... there is no excuse for the kind of mental abuse narcissist has been doing to me. And my conclusion is that I dont want to be with a person who is evil and mean. The friends of narcissist would never believe this of him, because to them narcissist is always showing his "best" face.. I remember that is a definition of a narcissist (one of them), that its so important for narcissist to maintain a flawless image of himself in eyes of others, but inside his own home narcissist is a horrible tyrant... everything fits so well to my spouse.

If I cannot rely on my narcissistic spouse, life with him would have been a misery. On the other hand, one should never completely rely on other people... but I feel that at list there should be a feeling in a relationship that if you need emotional support, you will also get it. Now I dont have that feeling at all. Now I feel that I cannot talk to narcissist about my things openly, because I know already in advance that narcissist will not be supportive. Also, I dont feel I enjoy conversation with narcissist. Narcissist is not communicating in same way as I am. Different things are important to narcissist. He is definitely more materialistic than me. I feel in the end we dont have so much in common, after all. Being aware of all these things will help me in getting over the separation...

Next one month will be crucial. I have decided to be friendly towards my narcissistic spouse, but not anymore to say that I want to hold on to relationship. I am going to treat narcissist as a friend, rather than lover. And I will let this relationship slowly fade away. Its so good that narcissist is away due to his work so much nowadays, that its easier for me to concentrate on my own life and to process the separation on my own, without having narcissist living in same house. We have already talked about separation, so narcissist knows my feeling, and has not been objecting to idea so far. Now I must be strong, that I dont change my mind and ask narcissist to continue relationship. I wish I can keep my head this time... Because the longer I stay with mental abuser like my narcissistic spouse, the more I get hurt. I will not let narcissist to destroy my life and self-esteem totally.

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.

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