Narcissist and verbal and mental abuse

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I have been reading today lot about verbal and mental abuse, narcissism etc... and it has really helped me to realize finally without any doubts that the fault has not been mine in our arguments, that my spouse fits so well to all those categories of mental abusers... reading those definitions (like in that article I attached to previous entry) made me sometimes even laugh, even tho its so tragic, because it was as if someone had been able to see into our home when there have been having arguments and was able to describe exactly (almost from word to word!) what narcissist has said when he is in that "mad narcissistic rage" mode, and how narcissist reacts if/when I try to defend myself, etc...

It was amazing and even a bit scary to realize that there are so many more people out there, who are behaving as my narcissistic spouse... that the behavior of narcissist is not random, but that it can be explained and described to detail by experts... so, to me it seems like the behavior of my narcissistic spouse can be thought of as a kind of a disorder, because there are so clear and accurate definitions for his twisted behavior out there. And this makes things a bit easier for me, since I can now think that it was not my fault that things went how they went, that I really tried my best, and it didnt work out because narcissist had his problems, it was not completely because of me (as narcissist has been saying).

By the way, I want to say one thing. This is something I will never forget, nor forgive my narcissistic spouse. This shows the cruel nature of narcissist so clearly. I told narcissist something that is very private, and also very painful for me. When I was very young, my first relationship was unfortunately such that the other person turned out in the end to be violent. I was so young, and so shocked about the situation, that I somehow stayed in that relationship for longer time than I should have, because that man was very apologizing and loving after being violent, and I was so very young, I had no experience of relationships of any kind, and also I was so much in love with him (he was my first love), that I stayed...

But then I pretty soon realized that it was not a healthy relationship anymore, not with the way he was, and I left, and have never regret it. After that, I had a long relationship with a wonderful man, we never ever had arguments, nothing to speak of... we lived together and things were great. That showed me that there can be relationships like that too...:) But then at some point we realized that we had become more friends than lovers and decided in full mutual understanding to go our separate ways. There was no drama in it and we stayed as good friends. After that I had another very good relationship with a wonderful man, no fighting or shouting ever, nothing like that. But then we separated because our life situations were such that we could not spend enough time together. We both thought that was for the best at that time. I had no bad feelings about the separation, also with him we stayed as very good friends.

The reason why I started to tell this story was this: at some point I told my narcissistic spouse about that first bad relationship I had when I was very young. I told narcissist that there was violence involved from that ex-boyfriends side. And the reaction of my narcissistic spouse was this: he said that perhaps it was my fault that this first boyfriend was hitting me, perhaps I was so annoying and irritating to him, that he just could not stand it.... I felt crushed to hear this kind of comment from my spouse, because I had thought he would be supportive of me, or something like that, anything but what he turned out to be...

Narcissist showed no sympathy, no warmth, he was very cold, analytical, and the way narcissist was analyzing the situation was like this: it was probably somehow my fault that things went like that with that first man. My narcissistic spouse said "I cannot believe that he was hitting you without any reason at all. You must have done something. No one hits other people without reason". I thought this was simply... crazy comment from my narcissistic spouse. As if narcissist was defending that guy, taking his side, and not mine, even tho I was his girlfriend... I could not believe that. And to say that no one hits without reason, and to make it sound as if those people who are being hit somehow are to blame, because they have been so irritating or something.. I could not believe my spouse was talking like that.

In my opinion there is NEVER any justification to hit another person. My first man had been violent also towards his other women, not only me, so I later learned. Just as my narcissistic spouse has been misbehaving towards his previous partners... so, people dont seem to change. And the fact that I have had very good relationships too in my life tells me that it cannot be all my fault as narcissist says, that I would be somehow horrible person... somehow I just ended up being together with two people, who have problems of their own (I mean that first boyfriend and now my narcissistic spouse), which are preventing them from having "normal" relationships. I refuse to believe that this is my fault that things have come to this point. I dont even like arguing, I am not good at it, I dont know how to shout and to insult another person, I cannot do it, I am always just trying to defend myself, and build peace, when narcissist goes to frenzy and narcissistic rage...

But as a conclusion: I found it to be simply horrible, inhuman comment from my spouse, when he was saying "you must have done something to him to make him hit you, no one hits without reason. You must have irritated him so much that he just could not stand it no longer. Knowing you, you are capable of doing that". Yep, thats what narcissist said... I said to narcissist that none of my other boyfriends never had any problems like that with me, only that first one (and now my narcissistic spouse of course...all these problems with him). But this was like talking to deaf ears. Narcissist already had made up his mind that it was somehow my own doing that my first boyfriend was physically abusive...

I just cannot understand how the mind of my narcissist spouse works :( I cannot understand how he can say something like that to me. Cant he understand how deep wounds physical abuse has left in person, and how bad it makes me feel if he says it was somehow "my own doing that it happened"? This makes me feel he has no empathy at all in him... literally not at all. But then again what else can I expect from a narcissist. Thats so sad... I wish I could at list understand if there is some kind of sick logic under his cold comments. What is narcissist thinking of gaining by saying that, if anything?

All these things have really helped me to make my decision to leave my narcissistic spouse. Now its all about issues of practical matters. I must think carefully how I am going to handle this, so that I can arrange my life in such a way that narcissist cannot give me any trouble, if he gets mad when I leave. Leaving cannot happen over night, that I know. I must do some thinking about what to do.. Its so sad that things have come to this point, but I feel there is nothing else I can do :(

Ps. I would be so happy to hear your comments about this what I told here, about narcissist telling me it was somehow my own fault that my first boyfriend was physically abusive towards me... I just cannot understand how anybody can say that, and why... what could he possibly have been thinking? Any ideas? :( Is this kind of behavior typical for a narcissist?

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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