Why am I afraid to end relationship with a narcissist

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Another day has gone by, and i am still feeling great... this is amazing! I have tried to follow simple tips, which may sound silly, but which truly seem to work:

I have met with friends every day durig last 4 days. At first it was very difficult for me, I had no desire to go out to meet anybody, even a thought of it took away all my energy... but I forced myself to go. I also forced myself to go out for a walk every single day. And after doing this for couple days, I started to feel my mind was slowly cheering up... Even tho at first I was reluctant to meet people and spend time with them, since I felt that these problems related to my relationship with my narcissistic spouse were only things in my mind, after doing that I noticed that it truly has strangely relaxing effect on me :) I have forced myself to smile and chat about happy matters for several hours every day, and slowly I notice that my brain is starting to think again in more positive way, all on its own :)

And those positive thoughts bring with them a realization that my narcissistic spouse has bad influence on me, since his presence is preventing me from feeling this good... I know this sounds simple even to the point of being "silly", but sometimes the biggest realizations in life are the most simplest ones, and usually they have been there right in front of you all along, you just have not seen them :) Thats the way I feel now, as if my eyes have been opened :)

Sometimes the most effective way is simply to empty the mind and follow the instructions given from outside, as a "robot"... I really had to force myself to do those things, but I have now seen that it truly is worth the trouble... In a way I "forced" my physiology and brain to work in certain way, I gave the initial "push", and then my body and mind took over, and it became a self-sustained positive feed-back cycle... but the initial "push" had to come from me, I had to force myself to take first couple steps down that path. I never would have believed I can feel this good again... I can finally see a light of hope in horizon :)

Today I was again talking to narcissist on phone, and same feeling was there: as if I was a prisoner, who has finally been released :) I felt no "love", no attachment, no anger, I felt very neutral and indifferent about narcissist. I so much wish that this state of mind persists..

I dont know how it will be when narcissit will return after a little while, but I hope I am able to keep this line of thought. It really helps to "reprogram" the brain to think in a new, more constructive way (take a look at that link I attached above to see what I mean. I hope it will help you if you are in similar situation!). I will get back to you soon :)

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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