Change in my attitude towards my narcissistic spouse

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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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HI again! Something amazing has happened... I dont know what is causing this, but I can definitely see a change in my thinking. I have went through mental hell during last several weeks/months, constant stress, unpleasant feeling, anxiety, feeling down and depressed... and today, for the first time, I feel again strong, as if I have stepped into light from dark room.

I have not felt stressed or anxious today at all, when I have been thinking about these matters. You see, until today I have always felt pretty anxious and stressed whenever a memory of the past behavior of my narcissistic spouse or memory of him getting romantic with some woman has popped into my mind, usually totally unexpectedly... During those moments, I have felt sick in stomach, felt disgusted by narcissist and his behavior, but in the same time I have felt fear of losing my narcissistic spouse... I have somehow been hanging in this relationship, even tho I have known how bad it is for me.

But now I have had a change to be on my own for couple days, and I have had time to think about everything. Today I was talking to narcissist over the phone, and I felt nothing. I mean nothing. I heard narcissist say all sorts of sweet things about loving me (despite the horrible arguments we had just a little while ago) etc. But this time I could somehow see narcissist with the eyes of an outsider and also hear him with the ears of an outsider... And he did not sound sincere. He sounded as a person, who is saying things which he knows he must say, but without any feeling. I realize now that I have just imagined that feeling which I have thought I hear in the words of my narcissistic spouse, because thats what I have been hoping to hear.

But now I feel my narcissistic spouse really has not cared for me as much as I have cared for him. When narcissist called me, his first words were "are you happy to hear my voice"? As if only thing that is important to narcissist is that I would be "crazy" about him. Narcissist also said "I dont believe I will ever find any woman who will love me as much as you. I want to be with you forever" etc. I have always been bothered by the fact that my narcissistic spouse is not so much saying that "he loves me" (even tho of course he is also saying that time to time), but he is very often saying things like "I am so happy that you love me so much, you love me like crazy" etc... I know, it sounds so weird, and it should have made my warning bells ring long time ago. Narcissist seems to get his kicks when he thinks someone (in this case me) "loves him like crazy" or admires him. That must be a reason why narcissist is so much flirting with other women, and wants to get close to them (claiming that its only friendship etc). It looks like narcissist desperately needs admiration from others. That is one of those traits in my spouse, what makes me believe he is a narcissist. Of course there are also other reasons, why I believe that (I have talked about those reasons elsewhere in this blog).

Anyways, the point is this: I feel I am now closer to that state of mind, where I can actually detach myself from my narcissistic spouse. I think one influencing factor has been the incident with that "long lost love" of my narcissistic spouse (I spoke about this earlier in this blog). It really hurt me to see that narcissist is able to get very romantic with another woman, even tho he is in a relationship with me. The interaction that narcissist has had with her has not been acceptable from my point of view. Narcissist has been using the kind of language with her, that is not proper for a man who is in a relationship. He has been "courting" her by saying very sweet things to her, calling her "my most precious one" etc (that was actually the part that hurt me THE MOST... to hear my spouse say those sweet things to another woman... I am sure any woman who is in love can imagine how horrible that feels like...). Narcissist has also been bragging to her about his achievements, and also telling how much he used to feel towards her and how happy he is that they are now reunited.. not to forget that narcissist told her we have problems in relationship and he does not know how long we will stay together...Yeah, right. Talk of a "devoted partner".

All this is simply such a huge piece of crap, that I cannot understand I have accepted all that... but of course narcissist does not know I know all the details about this matter. Narcissist has told me on his own some of these things, but some of it I have found out on my own. And it kind of adds to pain, to know that narcissist has been again lying and hiding some things. I guess it has simply taken a little time for these latest events finally to sink into my brain, but now I feel I have truly had enough... I dont want this anymore. I feel so good and relaxed being on my own, when narcissist is not around. Its amazing feeling. I so much hope it will last..!!

So, at this moment I feel there are no good things left in this relationship. Narcissist is often not friendly towards me (even tho at other times he can be very friendly, like today) and the memories of the unpleasant behavior of narcissist towards me cannot be forgotten. I somehow could perhaps accept that, as long as I could make myself believe that narcissist would at list be loyal to me, when it comes to other women... but now I have seen that even that is not true. Narcissist has betrayed me emotionally.

Did I already tell you that this "long lost love" of his actually turned narcissist down? So, it wasnt HIM who made decision not to get involved, but it was HER... this of course left me with very unpleasant feeling about the matter. I think if she would have given a positive sign, narcissist would have continued to pursue her romantically... and that is the part that has hurt me the most :( I have really, truly felt so down because of all these things... but now, for the first time, I feel better. I feel very neutral when thinking of narcissist. I feel as if I can see through him now, I know how he is, he cannot fool me no longer with his words. Thats why I feel today more hopeful than for a long time :) I wish this development will continue... I actually have done some concrete things to achieve this relaxed state of mind. They are pretty simple tricks but they seem to work... :) I will tell you about them later, so if you are in similar situation, they might help you too. But for now, hugs to you all, I get back soon!

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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