Confused... thoughts about bad relationship with a narcissist

Well, I have not moved out yet... we have been able to talk to each other as civilized people, my narcissistic spouse has been apologizing his behavior, we have even been intimate... but somehow my feeling towards my spouse is not the same. I nowadays perceive my spouse as person with disorder (narcissism) and it has flattened my feeling. I still feel "love" and attachment, but somehow the joy that was there in the beginning of our relationship has disappeared.

I remember how I felt when we had just met, how much in love I was with my spouse, there was nothing bitter, nothing bad, no sadness, no suspicion, no mistrust... I felt loved and happy. There was no lies, betrayal, other women, mental abuse, narcissistic rage or any of those things. Now I no longer feel as I did back then. I believe my narcissistic spouse cares about me in his own way, the way a narcissistic person can care about somebody, but that is not the same way I care about him. I feel my spouse does not love me as much as I love him (yes, unfortunately despite all that has happened, I still feel love towards my spouse... I wish I didnt, I wish there was a button I could press to stop my feeling, but unfortunately there is no such button). I realize that a narcissist can never love another person more than he loves himself. Well, that is what narcissism is all about so it should not be a surprise for me, since I have known for a long time that he is a narcissist... :(

So, I feel very confused now... I cannot start the mourning process, because I am still in a way "together" with my narcissistic spouse (we live in same apartment, are behaving normally towards each other, have been intimate as I said, etc..). But I cannot be totally happy either, because these things are in my mind, clouding my thoughts... I cannot forget his narcissistic rage attacks, his insults and mocking, shouting and all that mental and verbal abuse.
I will get back soon to tell how things are improving.... I am pessimistic, I feel its only a matter of time when there will be next big argument. Sadly a narcissist can never change. Like for example tonight my narcissistic spouse got invited to a party organized by his friend, and I imagine he would want me to go with him, so that everything would seem "normal" to these friends... Appearing normal is very important for a narcissist. But I dont feel like going. Usually if I refuse to go somewhere with my narcissistic spouse, he gets angry and upset and has narcissistic rage attack. Lets see what happens now... I certainly dont want to go, I feel unpleasant about the idea of going because my spouse has been insulting and mocking me also in front of these people. I dont want to go there as some kind of a puppet, who is again happy because narcissist decided to be nice for change... no thanks!

I will get back soon, until then take care and lots of hugs!

If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
____________________________