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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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I have been thinking today about many things related to relationship with narcissist... I went to see a nice movie yesterday, it was about love and loving and it made me think. In a movie older woman is advising younger woman to follow her heart instead of her mind when she is deciding whether to stay with her husband (towards whom she does not have strong feelings) or go to be with a passionate lover who she really loves. She is very conservative and ends up staying with her husband (which is of course very respectable decision!). But you can see that in the end she is not happy. She knows something fundamentally important is missing from her life. She has no feelings towards her husband. She feels empty and lonely inside.
I realized last night that I have actually not been in love with "my" narcissist for long, long time. Narcissist had become a part of my life since I had been with him for so long, and of course in the beginning there were strong emotions. I have been holding on to this relationship because I have wanted to hold on to those emotions, which I imagined were there. But now I realize that they do not really exist. I know that they were real for me in the beginning, about narcissist I do not know. I think narcissist did "love" me in his way in the beginning, but it was that kind of "fast" love that narcissists always feel. Narcissist became excited about me very fast, and the fact that I was excited of him as well made him fall for me even more strongly, because that was like fuel for the fire of his ego.
But then the behavior of narcissist changed. I remained strongly in love and kept showing my emotions to him. But narcissist grew gradually colder and started to behave in very cruel way towards me and abuse me emotionally. Narcissist did not care at all how I would feel about something. He would constantly complain, insult and mock. Of course in the beginning of our relationship narcissist would say that I was the "best woman he ever met", and that I could "read him" and "deal with him in gentle way and calm him down fast" when he gets upset, and that those things made him love me even more. But now all that is gone. Now narcissist says I am a horrible person, my personality is horrible, etc. So everything has changed.
Until yesterday I think I have been keeping this small foolish hope alive that perhaps somehow magically we could stay together with narcissist. But then I had unpleasant conversation with him on phone and also I saw that movie, which really made me think that I would so much want to have real LOVE in my life, not this kind of horrible emptiness, loneliness and sadness I am now experiencing. I would like to fall in love head over heels and receive love back. I would like to have a fresh relationship where emotions would be "pure" and not corrupted by memories of horrible events in past, shouting, insults, lying, other women etc.
I know that it is always a risk to get into new relationship, bad things can always happen, but frankly I think at this moment that nothing can be worse than this. Even if my future partner cheats on me, if he at list is behaving friendly towards me instead of this horrible inhuman behavior I am now experiencing, then I would feel that relationship has been worthwhile to live through, even if it would end. Now I see my past year as filled with mostly suffering and anxiety. So I think even if my future relationship (if I am lucky enough to find one) is not perfect, it still most likely will be SO MUCH better than this one that I have now left behind.
I am waiting for spring and summer to come..! I am emptying my brain from past, cleaning my mind after narcissist, getting rid of all old emotions towards him, so that I could fall in love again... I want to fall in love again (well who doesnt ;), I so much wish it would happen to me...! :)
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Hi, I have been reading your articles and I see the cycles that I am going through which is almost identical to your experience. At least I know I am not alone. My N and I broke up less than a month ago because he cheated with his ex gf. He has been calling me everyday for the last two weeks and I thought he wanted to give our relationship another try.
ReplyDeleteThen yesterday my friend bumped into him with a girl we all know. Obviously there was something going on between them. They were flirting when I was still in the relationship with him.
I can't believe how stupid I was, hoping and wishing that he isn't as bad as my friends said he was. Its such an addiction for me too. I know this is not healthy but here I am, still hoping to receive his phone call. I feel like I am mentally torturing myself too..
I hope you get over him really soon and find your true happiness. Best luck..
OMG, I've been with my narcissistic husband for seven years and about ten months ago after running into his ex he lived with over 10 years ago he has been lying to me and sneaking over her house and spending 2-3 hours at a time there. After the 4th time I caught him and after 3 conversations about how hurtful this is for me he PROMISED never to see her again the last time I left. I got an apartment and some of my belongings. Now he has told me he told her no more contact then I found he is still seeing her. He call's 10 x's a day, says he loves me and he is not giving up, he says he had no interest in her and he thought he was depressed, stressed etc as to why he continued a relationship behind my back knowing how I felt about it.
ReplyDeleteNow this woman is related through marriage to him and she is now acting as if I have stolen her man? I am angry, hurt, frustrated and feel as if I may lose my mind. All this while I try to keep up a very demanding job.
Since he started seeing his ex he became more distant, judgemental and hateful to me.
He goes from one extreme to another, he's sorry then he accuses me of wanting and/or having an affair or alterior motive for leaving him other than the reason's previously stated. It is as if anything that is said to him that doesn't fit into his lie isn't even said. I just keep repeating to him that he knew how I felt and he made the choices he made therefore he ended our marriage and not I even though I left.
I empathesize. The manipulation is so pervasive. I met my N 5 years ago, he was going through a seperation, we went out for 4 months and then he decided he wanted to go back to his wife and work it out. During those 4 months , the romance was over the top, swept me off my feet. I was heart broken but moved on, 3 mnths later I recieve a 100 roses for Valentine's day...but still with his wife..a year later he calls and says they have decided to get divorce
ReplyDeleteSo we get back together, he didn't seem to be a full blown narcisisst, maybe I was just blind, good looking very successful and charming. He said he wanted to marry me and have kids, but needed some time to get over his 18 year marriage that just ended
I agreed and was supportive , gave him space was there when he needed me. 2 years later..I was 41 ..I told him if we plan on having kids we should try straight awy he agreed , but I had difficulty getting pregnant. Initially he agreed for me to try fertility treatment, but always found some reason to back out or do something to upset me before the procedure...that was the first sign..but he kept saying he wanted to have kids me
6 months later, I find out he is secretly seeing , his ex, she had moved into the neighbourhood, I caught them going away for a weekend sking. He claimed it was nothing just old feelings etc...then he became abusive and later joined eharmony , one of friends saw his profile. I walked out...he came back a month later apologizing and wanted to come back, meanwhile I still wanted to have a child and I still loved him..he was supportive as long as everything was :natural:. I didn't want to get too stressed, though deep down I knew I was still seeing his ex...finally I confronted him again and he sneers that she was much better than me, more wonderful, more intelligent and besides he wanted kids and I couldn't give him kids and he didn't see a future then he acts sorry for being so mean and tries and makes it up in an over the top way, smothering me.
This goes on, finally short of my 45 b'day, the reality it's too late to have kids of my own with my own eggs ...I am sure all that stress didn't help. I got out and walked...in the end he made it very obvious his ex was part of the picture ...but for all practical purposes I was the official girlfriend that was my consolation and I should just accept his preconditons
I finally got the strength to walk out after 5 years...I feel utterly destroyed. He on the other hand continues to thrive without missing a beat
Only now I realise I ws going ut with someone with NPD
Better late the never
goodness, my 21 y/o daughter is experiencing similar N-behavior from her year long BF. My husband & I are trying desperately to bring to light the N treatment without her shutting us out. He has eroded away her self esteem & she's now seeing a psychologist to help her deal with her depressive state... of course N-BF thinks she's the one who needs help and we have been slowly disclosing that he is the source of much of her pain from his manipulation. we are on the verge of hiring a PI to trace him because they live in another state and we are almost certain he is cheating. She is not currently emotionally strong enough to investigate herself. We have spent countless hours walking her thru nightly hurt & tears and just do not understand why she continues to allow him to treat her this way for an occasional good day. N-BF is extremely good looking & charming and professed his love for her very early in their relationship - which was a real red flag for us... we working on moving trust away from N to us but it's torture to watch the pain she's going thru. We are coping the best we can and trying to stay grounded but is getting more difficult daily. Any recommendations in getting her to be emotionally strong thru making her aware of N destructive behavior is GREATLY appreciated!
ReplyDeleteI happen o fall in love with someone who regularly puts his plans, priorities, and needs ahead of mine. I finally noticed this when we got married and stayed in one roof. I felt as though I was doing most of the work to keep the relationship going and my husband happy and I got tired of feeling that way. I got tired of myself covering up for his inappropriate behavior.
ReplyDeleteIf you know you not ready for a relationship why get into one and still cheat and liar. I was dying inside for my cheating spouse, i had no prove, no one to run to. Everyone thought i was paranoid. until i was referred to a Private Investigator Mr James . I told him about my situation and He understood me well and helped me spy on my spouse.He hacked my spouse Gmail and Facebook account and linked all my spouse WhatsApp and phone conversation to me, to find out the truth.I saw all the evidence and i was heart Broken,I just want to openly say thank you to Mr James for helping me get evidence against him,i feel so hurt. If you need help please contact him Mr James (Worldcyberhackers@gmail.com) via Email.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and i got Married last year and we have been living happily for a while. We used to be free with everything and never kept any secret from each other until recently everything changed when he got a new Job in NewYork 2 months ago. He has been avoiding my calls and told me he is working,i got suspicious when i saw a comment of a woman on his Facebook Picture and the way he replied her. I asked my husband about it and he told me that she is co-worker in his organization,We had a big argument and he has not been picking my calls,this went on for long until one day i decided to notify my friend about this and that was how she introduced me to Mr James(Worldcyberhackers@gmail.com) a Private Investigator who helped her when she was having issues with her Husband. I never believed he could do it but until i gave him my husbands Mobile phone number. He proved to me by hacking into my husbands phone. where i found so many evidence and proof in his Text messages, Emails and pictures that my husband has an affairs with another woman.i have sent all the evidence to our lawyer. I just want to thank Mr James for helping me because i have all the evidence and proof for my lawyer,I Feel so sad about infidelity.
ReplyDeleteI suspected my wife of cheating on me but I never had any proof. This went on for months, I didn't know what to do. i was so paranoid and decided to find a solution, i saw a recommendation about a private investigator and decided to contact him. I explained the situation about my wife to him and he said he was going to help me.I gave him all the informations he required and afterwards i received all my wife’s phones Text messages and calls, I was hurt when i saw a picture of my wife and her lover. I feel so bad about infidelity. but i am glad Mr james was able to help me get all this information, you can contact him via email(worldcyberhackers@gmail.com) or Text/call : +12317945543
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