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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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My narcissistic spouse is again out of town for some time. Things went ok when narcissist was around, no arguments. Narcissist was very loving and kept saying how he wants to be with me forever etc. But I feel in my heart its too late. Unfortunately I dont think I am able to forget and forgive all that narcissist has done. Too much has happened...
I have had this strange feeling for some time now, that my narcissistic spouse is somehow indifferent character to me. I do feel very sad if I think we must go apart, but I no longer feel devastated. Actually, when I think of doing things with my narcissistic spouse, I feel slightly disgusted... I no longer enjoy doing things with narcissist. Then, periodically, I feel I can enjoy the company of narcissist, but simply as a "friend". Somehow it seems that my narcissistic spouse is important person to me, because he has been in my life for so long, but I no longer think of narcissist as my partner in life. I feel I am slowly getting back the control of my own life, and it feels good! I am again enjoying when I do things with my friends, and I am looking forward to summer :)
Now you may wonder, that what the hell I am still doing living with my narcissistic spouse, if I have this kind of feelings... I dont have straightforward answer to that. I feel that even tho I am well on the way to recovery and "letting go"- phase, I am not yet quite there... still I feel sadness, and reluctance, if I think of separation and break-up. But slowly I feel it has started to change... So, I have been thinking that I will wait a bit, also because I dont want to put extra burden on me just now in form of moving. I need to concentrate on my work for some time now, since it has not been going well. My narcissistic spouse is not going to be around very much, so it makes it easier for me to get used to idea of being on my own.
Some of you may think that this is not a good strategy, that I should definitely leave my narcissistic spouse as soon as possible... But I have played around with that idea, and it feels that now the best thing for me is to wait a bit, and let my mind realize on its own that the best thing is to go our separate ways. If narcissist was living constantly with me, of course I would make this decision faster... but he is not. Also, I am not misleading narcissist, I am not going to look for another relationship until I really break up with narcissist.
Some might say that this what I am now doing is bad behavior from my part, that if I have thoughts like this, I should tell my narcissistic spouse about it... but strangely, I feel I get some kind of strange "satisfaction" when I think that narcissist no longer controls me, that I have a will of my own and plans of my own, which narcissist has no idea of, and that it will be ME who will decide when I will leave, not narcissist breaking up with me... I dont know why, but this thought helps me to feel that I still have some self-esteem left.. that narcissist hasnt been able to mentally beat it all out of me.
I will let you know how things improve. I am sure that life will smile to me again. I just must find a way to leave this relationship in "right way"...
As I said before, some of you may think that this kind of behavior is not right from my part, that I should just leave my narcissistic spouse. But different things work for different people. This seems to work for me.. I really feel i deserve to feel for a moment that I am in control of the situation, instead of the situation controlling me.... also, only those who have been in mentally abusive relationship with a narcissistic spouse or person who has narcissistic features, know how difficult it is to leave, even tho you know in your mind that is the right solution. It takes time to break that emotional bond, even if other person has been mentally abusing you... Human mind is a mystery.
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Bandaids ripped off quickly are so much more merciful than tearing them off gently, tentatively, little by little, for years....until you forget why you're removing it in the first place. Rip it off quickly, dear woman, and read about "No Contact." You are wasting your precious, precious life.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you are trying to rationalize staying with someone that is toxic to you. Yes...when they choose to N's can make us feel wonderful...but it is all an act. Don't you think that you deserve to be with someone honest and sincere? That will never happen while you are staying with the N and constantly concerned with whether you are treating him fairly. My question is, why are you treating yourself with such injustice.
ReplyDeleteYou say that you are slowly dissociating from him. Sounds to me like you are living a life as his dormat...you sit on the shelf at home while he is out of time..."living" your own life, then when he comes back you are his plaything.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but too many people put their lives on hold waiting and hoping that their N will come around. If you have decided that he is an N, and that he is toxic to you, then it is time to move on...before you lose years.
Also, don't fool yourself that you have control of the situation. If he chooses to D&D you, he will drop you without a second thought because in all honesty, if he is an N, you are barely a thought now.
Please take care of yourself. The life you are living is not healthy.
Thank you so much for these comments!!! The words you are saying are wise and true. I have been reading these comments through many times and it has really given me strength and hope that I can really do this... I can rip the bandaid off, and I will accept that there will be (hopefully) short pain afterwords.. I am just hoping that it will not last too long..!
ReplyDeleteI understand the gradual detachment strategy. Sometimes the increased strength we have as we move on in our minds and hearts won't be enough to to see us through the the practicalities involved in a permanent split. I have been able to do it and feel melancholy rather than devastation which previously nearly led to a loss of life. Take time to gather your power first if that's what you feel you need to do. Good luck! X
ReplyDeleteWhile I can understand why people have posted the comments above. I sympathize and understand your blog as if I wrote some of it myself, little creapy even :) I have been detaching from a narcissist over this past year as well.I am grateful that we do not live together at all, however- unless, you have been emeshed within the webb of a person like this it is very difficult to understand the entire scope of the situation. The best thing I was told by a Psychiatrist I work with who was married to a narcissist is, "You can't give advice or take advice that is given from the context that it's a bad relationship- that advice suffices for those who are in a bad relationship, not a narcissistic one". A "N" relationship is much more complex and difficult. However, there is this book (download) that I got online that a woman wrote that has helped immensely- it was the first time I felt like I was understood, not alone, or crazy. If you are interested in this info. Let me know.post it in your blog. I think this blog is a great thing, and you are helping people as you continue to help yourself, keep it going it is important!
ReplyDeleteHi interesting reading here, i too have spent NINE years of hell,im 99% sure hes an N al the traits point to that, i understand himm now and where hes comming from i have turned my life around from crying and begging him not to leave me to saying "theres the door" if you want to leave as he would always say to me, im play him at his own game and now i have asked him to move out and i wud just see him weekends, but as soon as he was out of my house he started writing stuff to young girls on facebook etc and I heard things he was up to and i KNEW this would happen, i dont want him now and have told him so, but hes texing calling and wont let me go, i HAVE TO BE STRONG NOW. VERY strong!!!
ReplyDeleteI am s glad I stumbled upon a website selling a book about the relationship with a narcissist. I had been slowly eaten away by a narcissist for the last 3 1/2 years. I always felt like I had to defend myself for everything that was wrong in our relationship. I am not vindictive, or revengeful, or psycho/crazy, a cheater and a lier as I was always told by him. All his personality traits he would mirror onto me and I felt at times I was crazy. I have only been away from him for two weeks now, but this time it is easier to stay away because I know he is sick and I cannot chage things in our relationship.
ReplyDelete