My story of relationship with narcissist, plus thoughts about cheating, mistrust and infidelity and how to get over them

This blog is collection of thoughts and events of my life. Feel free to comment and suggest new topics of conversation, your feedback is greatly appreciated!
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This is the beginning of my story of my relationship with a narcissist. One story of one human living on this earth. There are those moments in our life when we stand at the crossroad wondering which path to take. This is that kind of a moment for me in my life and that is why I am starting this blog.

Let me tell you a bit of a background. I have been in a difficult relationship with a man who has clearly a narcissistic personality (I am a woman myself :) for couple years. I fell madly in love with my spouse couple years ago, I say madly because my strong feeling towards him has made me to stay with him even tho all the signs of narcissism have been in the air telling me that this relationship is not good for neither of us. My spouse has also been cheating and lying in all his previous relationships, which has made it difficult for me to trust him... I have never cheated myself and I have always been against infidelity and dishonestly.

I am writing this blog to clear my own mind and also with a hope to get feedback and opinions from others who may have been in a relationship with a narcissist, cheater or mental abuser. I am going to add content on daily basis to tell how things are going with me. I wish that those of you who are in similar situation in their life, struggling in bad relationship (with a narcissist, mental abuser or cheater etc) and yet cannot finish relationship and let go, will get new perspective and new hope and strength from my story. Lets all help each other to become stronger in this life and break free from bad relationship!

Now let me start to tell you how things are going in my life. My spouse is very impatient and has very short temper, as narcissist often does. He gets upset and angry over very small things, things which should normally not make person to be upset. My spouse can also get into narcissistic rage mode, when he is only shouting like crazy.

I have understood that this is one feature often found in narcissist (of course this feature alone does not make a person narcissist). My spouse cannot control his anger, but he shouts to me and calls me with horrible names. This has been going on for so long that I have started to lose perspective and sometimes I am wondering if I truly am such a horrible person my spouse claims I am. We have had trust issues, I have never given my spouse any reason to doubt my love and honesty towards him, but he has given me some reasons to question his trustworthiness, honesty, loyalty and commitment to this relationship.

Our relationship started as a long distance relationship and during that time my spouse met a young woman in his hometown, with whom he started to go out to bars. My spouse kept this a secret from me. Some might consider this act alone to be cheating and infidelity, even tho he claimed they did not have sex. Later my spouse told me about it (I give him credit from that) and said that he did not want to tell about going out with other women because I would become so jealous and would suspect he was cheating me and lying to me, and it would be too unpleasant for him.

But the truth is that when my spouse went to bar with this lady friend, he put his phone into silent mode and did not tell me about it, but would complain that I am insecure and obsessed, when I tried to call him at night, without being able to reach him. I am sorry to say this, but in my world this is considered to be cheating... it certainly is lying and betrayal of trust. If one is dishonest regarding matters related to other women, in my mind it is counted as emotional cheating. I felt that the behavior of my spouse is not right in a relationship. Why would my spouse go to a bar with a young woman and put his phone into silent mode, if he loved me? But I tried to think positively about the fact that my spouse actually told me about this woman, and his actions made me feel he cared about me. He tried to arrange his life in such a way that he could spend as much time with me as possible. At other times he was caring and loving (but never very affectionate), at other times he turned to narcissistic rage mode and shouted to me like crazy over something very small.

Now I must leave for a while, but I will return soon to continue my story. Mental violence (and of course physical!), mocking, cheating, mistrust. lying, betrayal and all kind of dishonesty are the worst things that can happen in a relationship, I wish we all could live without experiencing them...

Take care, everyone, I get back to you soon!