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This blog is my personal diary of my relationship with a narcissist. I hope my experiences help others who are dealing with similar issues in their relationship, related to narcissistic spouse, physical and emotional cheating, mistrust, insecurity, infidelity and emotional abuse. I will write to this blog on regular basis. Please feel free to comment on any of my writings, I would greatly appreciate all feedback.
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Ok, I am still here... Now the end is really approaching. Thank you so much for your comments! They are really helping me. I tell you briefly the situation. I have been going back and forth with narcissist... other times I feel I want to try to make it work and we have had some good times. At other times we have horrible times. During last couple weeks, there has been fights almost every other day. Every other day things then seem better. But now I really feel the end is approaching.
Narcissist is going to leave the country for a really long time, because of his work, and after all these arguments, we both have a feeling that there is no point in continuing after he leaves. That will happen in two weeks now.
I have been in emotional roller coaster.. at other times I feel so good thinking that its finally over, at other times I feel devastated thinking I will never see him again.. why do I have these mixed feelings in me? Why cant I just simply see the truth, the same what my friends have seen all along, that this is just not working.... :( Why do I feel I am "dependent" on narcissist? I feel empty and sad without him near me... but even if he is near me, I dont feel happy.. all bad memories keep coming to my mind. I cannot trust narcissist. I cannot trust his words. I feel he does not respect me. So why do I even feel I would like to continue with him? I dont understand myself... I dont understand my own mind... why is it working like this? Why is my own mind turning against me? What could I do to change the way my mind works, the way I feel? Why cant I see whats good for me? Why do I want to hold on to this bad relationship? All these questions are going around in my mind... and I am feeling like I am dying inside... :( I feel so stressed, anxious and depressed.. but now I think its finally coming to some kind of conclusion, soon... no matter what I want. Because narcissist is leaving. I know I will feel pain for some time. I just wish it would not be too long. Thats what I am hoping for now. I can no longer hope for anything else.
If there is no trust, there can be no relationship.. and I dont trust my narcissistic spouse. Narcissist does not keep his promises to me. Narcissist is not telling me the whole truth about things. I have seen this so many times, and it has destroyed my trust towards him.
I dont know what is going to happen to me.. I feel very alone, and a bit scared, and very stressed, its hurting my stomach... I just wish that I would feel better soon.. :( sorry to post this sad entry, but this is how I feel just now. We just had another bad argument one hour ago...
If you wish to view all my posts simultaneously on one page please click on title "surviving infidelity and cheating in bad relationship" at the top of this page. This way the latest post will be displayed on top of the page and oldest at the bottom.
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Winnowill,
ReplyDeleteIt will get better after the decision is made and you break from the N. I won't lie, it is pretty horrible right afterwards...but once you get past the hurdle, and he is out of your life, you will start to remember who you are, and that you were a whole person before you met them. As you recover yourself, life only gets better. You will spend all of that energy on yourself, rather than wasting it on a relationship that will never fulfill you. N's are empty, they have nothing to offer a partner, he is draining you of all your positive energy...energy that you could be using on yourself and the fabulous new life that you will build yourself.
Stop wasting all that energy on someone that is so defective. Use that energy on yourself.
AT
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